triggers and thoughts about SI >

[mscat]

It has been a good while since I have wanted or thought to self injure. Especially scince the last major time .BUT here it comes again, and it is so difficult to fight it off.

I know I have to at least until Tuesday .Tuesday works for me. I am in a difficult financial crunch that has been going on for a while. Just unable to get a head that really is getting to me. My son has abig IEP coming up on MOnday am , and I have to go hear all the great , but the difficult issues he has in school. PLus , reciving his report on the neuropsycholgist , has not helped my spirtis at all.

I know what I am planning on doing and it is ritualized. .. something I have used before in the past , to feel at least better for a while/ even though it hurts like hell to externalized the inner pain that I feel .

But that is really the only thing I know how to do to help me feel better. talking to my therapist helps me, but not like SI does. I am not much of a talker , but do like to write , but even that does not quinch my thirst to feel better on the inside >

Punish myself for having a disabled child, punish myself, for not managing my $ correctly, in which I thought I had. Punish myself becaue I am ugly , fat , stupid , and that is what I am good at is to SI . Enough of the poor me shit . I know what needs to be done , and it will.

[ThePetPerson]

OK, I know what I am about to say is probably not useful or helpful but im going to say it anyway. I am here for you. To be honest SI, even to me, sounds like a good solution. But its a bad idea. I have considered it myself but I know its not a long term solution. You may want to self harm because it makes you feel better on the inside but in the end you will have to face up to the problems that made you self harm in the first place. Then, you may feel better but then you will have those scars to remind you of what you did, you will realise it was a bad idea. You may even begin to self injure again. If my comment wasnt welcome then I apologize but I want you to know that I am here to talk and to help and so is everybody else.

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy

If writing helps even a little, write all you need to here, we will listen and we do care. I know that there is nothing I can say to stop you from harming again, but know that I do care and always have, and for what it is worth Im here for you too, just like ThePetPerson and all of your friends here.

S/i is such a lonely scarey world to be lost in. If I could I would pull you from it, just as you would for those of us here who know that lonely scarey world.

We are all here for you Cathy,

Sorry I dont know what else to say, but know that my heart is with you, pulling for you from across the oceans.

Take care

Sue

[finding my way]

Cathy, can you talk to us about the part of you that punishes? You know how much the punishers in your foster parents hurt you, so you have experience with the effects of that dynamic.

We are listening. Can you lean on us a little more? I'm overweight, do I need to be punished? My finances aren't great, my house is a mess, should I be harsher with punishing me?

It sounds like the punisher part of you has a deep fear. We are listening. Can she tell us what is going on? If the real thing is needing a method to pull out of dissociation... let's talk about that. I know it is so hard

[mscat]

SI is some thing that I agree that I deserve. DEserve to engsge in self injury because I have never been good enough , never fit in , never felt a part of a happy world, socially , and relationships, well I have none. I am not lonely , just feel that I am different from others and deserve to be punished when I screw up , or can't handle my emotions .

It is my fault , I take full reponsibility for the SI I engage in. It helps me cope, even if I understand how disgusting and painful this really is to me.

I hear my foster mothers words in my head, how she told me ,, how fat I was, and the stares , looks, and kicking , pulling hair, blaming me for things I never did, and scaring the hell out of me. That was yrs ago/I think I got over that part of the abuse , we never talk or are friends, however their is a part of me that feels something was damaged because of her constant reminders of what a low life I was .

I was not good at giving hugs , my dad wants to give me a hug , I would cringe. SHE saw that, I was morrtified . They had fights over me.

My foster parent the mother would be so cruel , that dad would step in and then they would fight because of me. lots of yelling and screaming about the way she treated me .

Then she would come back to me, so upset, it scared me. Their was so much fear in our home , that looked so pretty and beautiful on the outside. AND on the inside was hectic . The place was imaculate , always clean and nice, foster mother was a perfectionest , so things always had to be to her liking. AND we had money , they had / DO have $$$ .

But, ya know what $ is just needed to get what u want ,materialistic stuff, and of course food , and things for survival . '

They have too uch money , and still are the same way when it comes to people. They have to look good on the outside to impress those around them.

They know famous people too. BTW , met them and been around them. They also travel a great deal out of the country .

SO they have a good life.

MINE , my life, well It needs to be better, not as much financially as my inner thoughts need to quit trying to take over, and help me feel badly .

[mscat]

I am not planning on hurting myself severely enough to have to have surgery or anything, just use cigars , and burn the fu** on my forearm , that is my plan. WHen I use this method it is more of a ritual , things are set up , and the lighters are ready to enage in such horrific behavior, and when I start , I start, and will not stop until I get it right.... THen it will hurt for days on end, which of course that is what I get for SI'ing like that . THis tyoe of SI gives me about 2 degree to deep 2nd degree burns. I have everything to treat it with > it is difficult not to when I have then menas to , and the feelings, and emotions are there .

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Cathy I wish I could help you more but we are only here for you via a computer screen... Please try and find another way to cope. You are a beautiful person and any self harming as you know is not the answer...

Yes other people really suck for what they say and do to others. There is a place in this world for everyone and you know you have found a place here and we care about you, no matter what....

I know we have talked before and I know you love animals and your son loves and needs you. Yes you have heard it all before.... but we will keep syaing it... I reallly hope you take the time for yourself, volunteer, maybe at an animal shelter, a womens shelter etc, a parents support group for autisic children, a book club, church group etc... You will find a place to belong.....

I know you have struggled with this for a long time, and I know you mentioned cigars but have you tried something totally different like putting rubber bands on your wrists and just keep snapping them against your skin? I read you have rituals with the cigar, can you come up with a ritual for yourself that is not harming your body but soothing your mind?

I'm not at all an expert on the self injury piece but I would like you to know I am here and you can PM me anytime you want to talk. I know how Sucide Ideation feelings take over my mind and how it becomes the forefront of everything in my life so I assume self harm is the same thing, just trying to feel different?

Please try and think about what we have all said...

[finding my way]

Would it help to unburden more about the things that are bothering you and pushing you to such hard conclusions about yourself? We are here to listen to your financial worries, your struggles with weight, your struggles parenting your son, your struggles with your relatives. These are things others here can relate to. So many of us relate to negative self talk and the damage it does, also. You have been so alone, I know it is hard letting others help. The struggles you had growing up were extreme.

I have such a hard time when you take such a harsh tone with yourself, Cathy:(. Cruelty is the last thing you deserve.

[mscat]

Would it help to unburden more about the things that are bothering you and pushing you to such hard conclusions about yourself? We are here to listen to your financial worries, your struggles with weight, your struggles parenting your son, your struggles with your relatives. These are things others here can relate to. So many of us relate to negative self talk and the damage it does, also. You have been so alone, I know it is hard letting others help. The struggles you had growing up were extreme.

I have such a hard time when you take such a harsh tone with yourself, Cathy Cruelty is the last thing you deserve.

wohah, finding my way , u know so much about me personally. I think more then many people combined , even those who are suppose to know about me do not know as much as u do. Kind of takes my breath away. ALl u guys do.

using my laptop right now because my son ruined anther keyboard , he spilled his cereal and milk all over the desktop one ..... AGAIN kids! I tend to mispell using the laptop so bear with me.

well this morning is Matthew's IEP , and those are always hard . Esp after his evaluation , and it will come up today. Meeting with all these school professionals is always a bit nerve racking.

My money problems, have been an issue for a while, I can't get a head right now. Live on a fixed income an such , things get to be intense by the end of the month.

my son is a big teenager, who likes his food , LOL. Costs me a lot just to put meals on the table lately. But, thats life .

I have no cigars to burn myself with , but it is quite on my mind , literaly. SO that it is hard to escape from the desire to self harm , want to and a need to believe and feel pain so I CAN continue on coping with life;s everyday pressures.

Shoot, my brother, he drinks too much , i lok at it as nearly the same thing as SI. It is all bad for u , and too much is bad . I think in all or nothing terms. Good and evil .... so when I am evil I have to do something extrmemly bad to myself , do not know why, just do. sometimes it is a way to feel real again and not to dissacioate so badly , to nOT be numb anymore, is how and why SI works for me. Of course their are other reasons behind it too, but those are the main ones.

caathy

I really do not waNT TO go to this IEP this morning ....

[finding my way]

Here is what I wonder. You mention the dissociation, and how it's a big part of the dynamic here. In my experience, it is not a calm event when that happens. For me, I get very panicy, knowing something is wrong, even though I might not display any noticable emotion on the outside. I feel confused. I feel very off. I feel desperate. Possibly this is because on an unconscious level, that part of us that is unplugged is screaming "EMERGENCY". The horrible dynamic, though, is we are dissociated!!!!! We are numb. We can only dimly sense that there is big trouble brewing.

For me, that is a crucial time to shed light on things, and ideally, have help doing it.

If I continue on the vector of being unplugged, it does feel "evil." I choose not to use that word, though. I can see why you do because of how it feels. I don't call it evil, because in the past I've been successful with figuring out what's happening. I've had an awful lot of therapy, and tons of different therapists. Some good, some pretty lame, some great. My trauma is also not the holy hell terror you've had happen to you, so the dissociation is not as tough to reach into.

Is it possible that it's the dissociation that feels evil, Cathy? Do you see what I mean?

Because if that is what it is, punishment is the LAST thing you need. You need help ending the dissociation. SI sends the wrong message to that alienated part of you. When you are feeling that "evil" feeling, the gesture needed is reaching out with understanding, not punishment. You need help reaching out to that rejected one, to understand her and why you need her. Being afraid of her or being cruel to her will keep you stuck.

As you know, I'm no expert. I'm just a fellow sufferer trying to puzzle things out.

How was that IEP?????????????????

[mscat]

I know the dissocioation is a large part as to why I self injure . However, it n umbs me , and makes me "unalive" makes it actually easier to SI in this state of mind because I am not feeling a thing.

I do suffer from panic attacks and anxiety too. WHen this happens I need to get away and "run" from the feelings that arise in me , to get away from the certain sounds and noises that are setting me off into panic mode. I need to get out of there. It usually happens in a crowded store, grocery store inparticular. '

I am use to the feeling of numbness inside. It has been happening for such a long time I just shut down emotionally and can't feel myself even being alive. It is a horrible thing, not to be able to feel . PTSD , is a word often used to describe this issue.

I take many meds and in therapy to help cope with all of what is going on, yet only I am suppose to be able to nOT SI . WHich I understand nobdy can help me .

Thearpy is good but, even the therapist is stck with knowing it is up to me not to self injure, and when I do It can become so out of control that I have lost control completely ... Those are the times when I will self injure at it's worse.

The cigar burning is more ritualistic because I go and buy the cigars , have the lightsers, and always SI in the same place. In fact, it is always the same place regardless how serious the SI becomes.

THE cigar burning actually hurts more, becaue it is to a lesser degree , so I can feel it for days on end. SO if it is pain I need to feel in order to know that i AM ALIVE , it is most effective, and painful.

I do not advocate SI at all , because i have and know what it is about and have lost control over it. It can be dreadful and absolutely disgusting. That is what I know about self injury.

I hate the fact that I zero on a part of my body to destroy , and it won't go away until I do so .

This is why I write about it because It delays my behavior to a certain extent to read the feedback of others , and the support that is given on here.

Cathy

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy

How are you feeling today hun ?

Hope that you are feeling atleast a little better.

Take care

Sue

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

Have you and your therapist explored the strain that the self injury places on the therapeutic relationship. It is my strongly held belief that it is the relationship in the here and now that cures. The therapeutic relationship is a real thing and what happens there, the feelings, statements and reactions are extremely important. If you believe your therapist is stuck, have you said this, discussed it, explored it?

Allan:)

[mscat]

I saw my therapist today and did talk to him about how stuck I feel about the self injury I pertake in. He asked me I I hear voices that tell me to SI , and I did inform him I had talked to the Pdoc aboutthis very issue. I did tell him how I feel torn up and in pieces , that people are laughing and staring at me all the time in public places , and how this feels. I dissociated I am and do not feel real when I self injure or feel real to the point I do not recognize my own voice or look at myself in the mirror.

I honesltly talked to him about these incidenses , and he knows I am not fully recovered from the last si EXPERIENCE .

I talked to him about how I feel so responsible for my child , and sometimes blame myself for his disabilites and even bringing him into this world, and what the future holds in store for us as he ages . How I am going to manage a man who is disabled and how the dynamics will change then. ]

I understand that nobody can control the SI but myself, but when I do become so out of control , and cannot keep it from happening , the when body parts are disconnected from myself , I need to put myself back together in order to just feel alive.

I have not completely explored the fact as to how stuck I am as to not SELF INJURE WHEN i GET IN THIS STATE OF MIND. mAINLY BECAUSE I understand that when I am alone i am the one who is control of the SI , and nobody can truely stop this from happening.

I do believe that the therapist knows I am killing myself gradually , I mentioned this last week , so he is fully aware of this concept.

I wish I could stop the SI from occuring, and not participate at all in this self destructive behaviors , yet a lot of times it becomes too out of control and I feel as though it is out of my hands anymore.

This is why I primarily seek feedback on this fourm becaue it opens my eyes to others , and they can help me through these rough times.

[malign]

The therapist is fully aware, Cathy, but only you can make the choice, that not doing it gives you even more control over yourself than doing it.

The ultimate form of control is to live your own full and happy life.

[finding my way]

Cathy, I have had many, many therapists, and I do not regret any of my decisions to move on to find what I need. I know that sounds tough, but maybe you could see another therapist? You don't have to never see the other one, just give another therapy a try? This is your life on the line here:(

At any rate, I'm glad you can talk to us here. I wish you had more though. I wish someone could be with you in person. When you feel accepted in a relationship, have some fun even, some of the pain of being upset at times eases. It also becomes more possible to let in parts of yourself that you haven't been able to before.

Wishing you well today, mscat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mscat]

I ended up having fun ysterday afternoon... Now I feel even more trigered t o sElf injure:( it was not the fun part , it was meeting a man , and how things quickly progressed, too fast. The drinking did not help , but it wasss fun. I do drink on occassion.

Got sick , cause I drank too much and became wasted. But that did not bother me either. it is meeting a totally nice guy , that has me bothered ., , he is too needy, and I need my space. I can't deal with a "lost puppy " too maNY OF my own crap going on.

I do not feel real good about how i LOOK either , this guy could have someone a lot prettier, and cuter, and someone who has it together . I hav eto do something fast to break this off with him, because it has only triggered me evenmoreso . DAMN

[mscat]

I know that you are right Malign... It does not make things any easier though.

Finding , i have tried to find anther tharapsit and this one told me to go back to the one i was seeing !

Sometimes Steve, my theraoist is extremely helpful , it is in the SI deparment that I feel he can't help me with .

I am evn more triggered now , becUSE OF A GUY WHO LIKE S me , an d I just am not ready for.

If my son was not home from school today , I'd si the crap out of myself .

[finding my way]

you've mentioned that you live in a remote area, and that limits your choices for therapists. How about keeping your therapist, but traveling to see a SI specialist once a month or so? You know, SI also stands for Sensory Integration, and it would be SO COOL if you could try that. We've touched on it before, and I think you associate it with autism and things your son has had, but truly, it could help you........ and your son too!!! It could be a mother & son thing that you guys do to feel better. I'd be happy to talk more about that stuff if you are interested, Cathy

[mscat]

I would not know wherere tofind help in sensory intergration for adults. I am one who does not like to be touched at all by others though . Hugs creep me out and even a touch can send shivers down my spine. Iam also extremely hypersensitve to noises , so is my child , but moreso.

I know I am not on the autistic spectrum myself, however,have a lot of sensory issues ever since I was a little child. I always thought it had to do with the enormous child abuse experienced .

WHen my son was little the had him wear weighted vests , and used feathers to calm him .

I like the idea though, if I were not so hypersensitive. ..

My son has been sickand out of school ,so I had not self injured yet .... I feel it coming onlike a freight train though, and the desire is still there . Finding ,it would be somuch better if I could be nicer to myself and feel good . Instead of pain and torture as my way of being calmer ,nicer ,and feeling better. it sucks , and frankly , I do get so darn tired of me .

[finding my way]

Well if you were to look one up, you could look for occupational therapy, sensory integration, and see if there is anything that would be reasonable for you to travel to.

The hypersensitivities you mention are precisely what sensory therapy addresses. There are other names: Sensory Processing Disorder is the most current one, I think.

Your struggle to feel good about being you has a physical component to it. Not only would this therapy address your hypersensitivities, it would be a way to feel better in all ways, because a calm body can support a calm mind.

Just something to consider. I really wish someone could try it, then share with others if it was helpful. I'm involved with it quite often working with kids in the schools, but it is helpful for anyone.

Hope things are ok for you today, Cathy.