Incest?

[genesis]

Okay, I am sitting here torn between stuffing it in the darkest recesses of my mind and freaking out. By it I mean my circling thoughts.

Today I saw a family member that I was molested by when I was a kid. His immediate family was over with him and it was just me and him and my brother in the room and I started feeling the victim syndrome edging in on me. I don't know what else to call it.

What i felt today was like a victim staring the vitimizer in the face and feeling that old 'bond' from years ago. i'm really freaking out that i reconnected with him in an off-kilter way like from when i was a little girl.

A bit of back story:

He molested me for years until I reported it in elementary school to my couselour. however before i ever reported it - i molested another family member. and i had this huge guilt over it: it kept me up at night.

i had a screwed up childhood sexually speaking. between these two other long term encounters there were two other people that did similar things - but before now i never labelled it 'molesting' i don't know why but uh i just never did.

what the hell is happening to me? we (me and the guy from today) after i reported it avoided each other (after our families started talking to each other again), then i started feeling sort of off about him avoiding me. sort of like i felt offended or hurt because he was avoiding me. but in the past six months we've been seeing more of each other. and today we finally starting talking with eyecontact. if it had been a conversation with any other guy i would have said we were flirting. :eek:

i'm just scared of what would happen if we were alone together. would he try something? would i want him to? what do i do? what was he thinking during the conversation? does he still think about those times? does he still 'like' me? do i want to know?!

it was just a big freaky deaky deal for me and i'm not sure why. :confused:

[David O]

Good morning genesis,

I read your post when you 1st put it up and came back to reread it a couple of times. I wasn't sure how to respond to it, so my hope was that someone else, maybe a braver soul, would respond so I could get more information.

To be honest, your post was very confusing to me and it may just be me and others understand it much better. Speaking as a victim and survivor of 100's and 100's of incidents of abuse, molestation, torture and beatings, I found your post a bit troubling. Please let me explain.

There is a small part of your post that speaks of feeling revictimized (i felt today was like a victim staring the vitimizer in the face and feeling that old 'bond' from years ago) and yet, you used the word bond to describe the relationship. As I read on, it dawned on me that there was a part of you that was feeling perhaps threatened by the experience--- BUT, there seems to be an even larger part of you that relished in the experience of seeing the victimizer again. It reminded me of someone who has Stockholm Syndrome, but in reading your words again, it seemed to be less of that. I'm not sure where the place is that your words come from, but it seems that you are ambivalent or maybe even wishful that something would happen.

i'm just scared of what would happen if we were alone together. would he try something? would i want him to? what do i do? what was he thinking during the conversation? does he still think about those times? does he still 'like' me? do i want to know?

I'm not trying to be calloused in my response here, but this does not seem to be the typical reaction one gets when the person who molested them comes near again.

Can you talk about this more, I think I may be confused.

David

[genesis]

David,

Thanks for responding, first off. When I said 'bond', I have no idea what else to call it without confusing the issue further; if I said 'relationship' it would still have a positive connotation. I think, for me, over long term abuse it does sort of show up like Stockholm, I guess. I spent the time I was being abused trying to maintain a seemingly healthy relationship with him and his family. Only when the lights went off it was a completely different story.

By bond I guess I mean is... well, in my experience there is a bond of sorts between the abused and the abuser. The threatening nature of the abuse for one, if they can steal your childhood from you what else can they do to you? Does that make any sense? I'm really bad with the explaining.

I guess we shared secrets that was the bond I spoke of.

I think part of the confusion in my writing originally is due to the fact that to this day (almost ten years later) *I'm* confused by it.

I can't say that you're wrong in your summary of my intial post. And though part of me wants to go rabid and defend myself and try to just explain it away, try to just wish it away, but I can't in all honesty do any of that. You're not wrong and that's just it.

I don't know what to do now, I mean I can't rightly avoid him the rest of my life (other than how it would appear to others, I'm just not that kind of person - if I hide from everything that scares me or makes me realize what kind of person I try to deny myself to be I'd be hiding under my bed until my dying day). I just want to know am I a danger to someone else in this manner? To myself? I mean a girl can only play with fire so long before the fire starts playing with her.

-Genesis

[katleen]

It will be nice when sexuality becomes an easy thing to discuss in our culture, without the shame. It is such a powerful thing. Genesis, I wish you could say no to being around someone that has hurt you in such a way and may again.

love

katleen

[JustTrying]

David... I hate to keep on BUT there you go again talking about something you know nothing about........

BUT any ways I was raised in foster care.. the youngest of 38 kids... got to see some of ,my family once a month... I slept with my Brother for I think about 5 yrs.... when I see him now I wonder does he still think about that? and if he doesn't why not??? But I was also molested from the time I was 12.... been in 2 abusive relationships.... one with many trips to the hospital..... broken jaws.... and wrists etc....

I also wonder... I am fixing to leave myhusband.,,.. but how can I have anything to do with a dark haired man??? Hell he may be my brother.... Like I said I am the youngest of 38.... that I KNOW of.....My daddy was a whore hopper and my Mother was a whore.... that is not to say that I don't love them .... but that is facts....

JT

[IrmaJean]

I don't think it's beneficial for anyone here to attempt to undermine the experiences and feelings of others. JT, you have been through a great deal, as has David. Everyone's voice, insights, thoughts, wisdom and knowledge are welcomed and appreciated on the site. It is also important to remember that no one is immune to being hurt or upset by what any of us write on here. Sometimes there may be harsh reactions to words which have been hurtful as well. So I think that all of us should try to be mindful of that when we are posting. I've always felt that this is a place to share our thoughts and offer one another support. The spirit I have always sensed on this board is one of caring, understanding and acceptance of one another. Offering kindness to others often begets more kindness. Something to think about.

[JustTrying]

I WAS not undermining anyones feelings.... I did not know until he sent me a PM what he went through... DAVID..... But anyways thanks so much for understanding me and my trying to help a fellow suffer..... MAYBE JUST MAYBE ... DAVID , NEEDS to think about his approach.... at least with me... I am a suffer too... I was here years before he was......

Gonna put it out there... don't like David.... or at least the way he talks... might be funny... in the long run we may end up being good friends... once the whole truth comes out...... but right now we are at odds..... not saying he is bad and I am good.....or that I am bad and he is good... just two diffrent personalities crashing//// Sorry for those that got hit by accident.... gabs

BTW .. most of my best friends where my enemies first

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Genesis,

When I read your post I felt very protective of you. My instinct was to hasten to advise you to no longer see this person. I still have the same feeling and that is what I am advising. Listen to your own instincts. You do not feel safe with this individual. Why should you? Protect yourself.

Are you in psychotherapy where you can be getting help with these awful past experiences? Guilt is always a major issue and more so for the one who was abused. I suspect you real guilt lies with you blaming yourself for the abuse you received. It wierd but true.

Allan:(

[genesis]

Allan,

The irony is that I can't avoid him. I stil live at home and him and his immediate family are over sometimes a lot [usually once or twice a month] but this month they've been over twice so far and it's only the eighth.

I'm in therapy in general for my depression and occasionally we hit on this topic because sometimes it has a great deal to do with other things we talk about.

I don't know if I blame myself for the abuse. I never thought I deserved it or whatever. I don't know who I do blame for it though. I mean from what I read and what I know abuse is a cycle. And when a victim becomes an abuser it's to make sense of the abuse they receieved, so that makes me wonder if he'd been abused. I know it's probably not good if I trying to rationalize his behavior!!!

So far they haven't even inadvertantly left me alone in a room with him which is good because at his age of the abuse it was just abuse. Weird but true. Even the thought of it [being alone with him] scares me. I mean, it's ten years later for the love of god. Certain aspects have changed that would make him much more dangerous to me if that should ever happen.

During the tail end of April he was over by himself to do some stuff around the house with my brother. And I felt like I was being attacked personally by my grandma [the one who had asked him over]. I mean the more people in the general vacinity the larger the buffer between he and I. I mean back then they weren't horribly observant, ya know? But thank god, nothing happened.

He scares me mostly. I mean to this day he still affects me no matter where I am or how far away he is.

-Genesis

[kaudio]

Hello Genesis, my first suggestion would be to stay clear of this family member of yours. If he is ever over, keep to yourself in another space with some measure of privacy. You understand yourself well enough to know that there are still some very strong, bad memories associated with this guy. To stay away from him is not an act based on fear as it is one of reason.

A reasonable person would not make effort to have an attacker visit him. I understand how you felt under attack when your family members seem to encourage this guy to come over and visit. As Allan suggested, can you talk to someone about this? A counselor? Someone who may be able to lead you to other resources you can tap into at your community? Perhaps you can arrange to spend time elsewhere when these visits happen.