littlemisslost Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 hi. i'm 20 years old, i have a sister who's 32 (married with a child) and my mom is bpd. she doesn't agree on that point, but my therapist, my sister's therapist, and the psychologist at one of the hospitals my mom was at all agree... so, that's my best bet for now. most of my childhood, it was just my mom and i. she controlled my thoughts entirely and everyone else in my family noticed that i seemed unconscious. i always looked glazed, always seemed like her puppet. i did not know myself, but luckily when i realized that she was not really my mom anymore, never really had been, i locked the real me deep away inside of me and gave over to her manipulation, coercion and ownership. i finally got away when i went to school after surviving some incredibly fucked up times during middle and high school (asking me to kill her, me working to pay the bills, taking care of my incredibly sick grandparents, my cutting and suicidal depression which went completely unnoticed) and cut ties with my mom. i realized i liked myself less when i talked to her, and i rekindled my relationships with my sister, my dad, my aunt and uncle, and, indeed, everyone else in the world who i had previously been taught was against me and innately evil. i grew tenfold and lived far away from her, learned to love myself and, after falling deeper into the absolute worst depression i could have ever imagined, learned how to live and how to love myself. i see a therapist regularly and life is good. after a year's leave of absence from college, i return this fall... but things are not all okay.in these past 3 years, without me, my mom fluttered from boyfriend to boyfriend, falling deep into addiction with ambien, pharmacy shopping and occasionally showing up in various hospitals around the country with extreme memory loss and inexplicable bruises. she wrecked her car (my grandmother's car which she took once my grandfather passed away) and was arrested for a dui. she was anorexic (she claims because of the appetite suppressant in the drugs, i'm not sure of this, but i let it go. all i know is last year, at 52, she was 88 pounds and wearing a pair of my pants from middle school) and i cut all ties with her. this spring she was involuntarily committed to a rehab center, and since she's been out she seems better. she says she's no longer on the drugs, and indeed she seems more like her old self. i started talking to her on the phone and things were going well until... she moved in down the street from me 2 weeks ago. she has a job, which is great, but she's telling me now that i'm an alcoholic and i need to be in AA meetings. she tells me i'm so like her, i'm addictive like she is, i need this, why don't i do that, yada yada yada...i'm afraid i'm slipping. i don't want to run away, it clearly doesnt work...i want a mom. but i'm terrified that she's putting her thoughts into my head and i'm going to go under again. it was so hard to get out of that before... and now i am so fiercely protective of the life i've made for myself....i want to give her another chance, but what can i do?i feel lost. i know that i'm not an alcoholic. i know that i'm not like she is. but in some ways i really am, i mean, she's the only person i lived with from 0-18, and she and i were a team for much of that time. it was us against the world. she's manipulative, and she knows my weakness is my huge empathy. she knows how to play me, and i can't tell if she is or not...all she has to do is tell me what it's like to be her and i'm gone. i am no more a person on my own... just her daughter. an expression of her. a product.help!!!! what can i do??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.