Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Nelly]

Hi

Are there any spouses/partners out there whose mate suffers from AvpD? I'd like to share with anyone going through similar circumstances to myself. I am currently disentangling from my AvPd partner and its a painful business. It would be great to share stuff with anyone in a similar situation?

Thanks, Nelly

[kittenhugs]

Hello Nelly,

It must be difficult having someone you love with mental illness. What is the most difficult for you? Is your partner in treatment for avpd?

For anyone wondering what AVPD is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

[Nelly]

Thanks for your support Kittenhugs. He has had 7 years of psychotherapy in the past but not recently. He comes from a shame-based family and he is the 'scape goat'. His avoidancy comes from there I think, he shuts down a lot especially when in contact with his mother or brother. He hasn't been diagnosed AvPd (only by me!) but he does tick the boxes.

Meanwhile I am looking more into my own codependent behaviour. Although I reached crisis point in this relationship almost a year ago, I have hung on far too long, ignoring far too many alarm bells all because I am in love with the memory of the man I first met - before the shut down. When I met him, I thought I had dealt with my own issues sufficiently enough to meet a good man capable of sharing a loving relationship. At first he was very connected to me and he still is a very lovely person with all the qualities I ever wanted in a partner. I really thought I'd chosen right this time. So finally I am letting him go and it is super painful because I still love the man beneath the 'Avpd'. I guess I must be ready to truly face my own codependency issues. Do you have experience with Avpd? or codependency for that matter?

Regards, Nelly

[kittenhugs]

I've never been diagnosed with avpd, but sometimes I get paranoid that someone is going to hurt me especially around large crowds. This can make it difficult for me to go out in public and be social. Have you tried talking with him about why he isolates? Maybe it is something that is treatable. You need for him to change and not be so dependent upon you, right? Does he want to change as well? Maybe there is hope yet for the two of you. Have you considered couples therapy?

[xaq75]

I've been diagnosed with AvPD (In my opinion questionably). I have lots of feelings for people I know both good and bad but feel unable to share them with them and I probably come accross as indifferent and even cold, But I feel a lot, just afraid to show it and over the years have become extremely good at covering my true feelings up, sometimes to the pont where even I don't really know what I'm truely feeling.

[Nelly]

Thank you for responding to my post. I see so clearly what you say. When I tell my boyfriend that he isn't feeling anything, he says he is actually feeling very intensly. Thing is, his wall around his feelings is so impenetrable that it is impossible to 'read' him. I find him to be blank and unfeeling, this is such a hard condition to understand. Do you think any kind of therapy can help? if not I have no option but to give up on this relationship and the man I love, because quite frankly my emotional and physical needs are not being met.

[xaq75]

I'm tempted to try and advise but theres so much i don't know and even then, well, i'd be out of my league as i've never been in a sustained sexual relationship due partly to this problem. Not that I don't think about it a lot.

I suppose it depends on whether he's happy with the way things are between you as to whether he could grow out of it. He would need to be motivated to be vulnerable with you and for that he'll need to feel safe. Then the walls could start coming down. He must of felt 'safe enough' at one time or else the two of you wouldn't be a couple in the first place so I feel there is hope, IMO.

If it were me, I would attempt to arrange to be naked with him in a candle lit room, kneeling on the bed or somewhere associated with being relaxed, facing each other, eyes closed, no talking and no sex, no music, nothing that requires 'higher thought'. Just be with each other. Breath. Feel. Slow.

Thats one of my 'fantasy scenarios' for being in a relationship. I have no idea if it would good or useful or perhaps even dangerous, I just don't know.

In order for there to be therapy I would imagine some degree of diagnosis would need to be professionally arrived at. He would need to believe that there is a problem.

I think one of the moderators would be better at that kinda feedback.

[Nelly]

Hi there,

Thanks for your words of support.

Right now I have been looking at my own problems instead of focusing on his, I am learning to let go of expectations. I love my boyfriend, but the bottom line is that I cannot change him, only myself. He will only change if he chooses to do so himself. In the meantime he has moved out but we continue to speak on the phone and meet up on a friendly basis. Perhaps the space will give us both time to miss the positive parts of our relationship and feel inspired to work at it together - or perhaps not. Either way, i'm going to get on with my own life and happiness without 'pushing' him to join me. If he feels safe enough to come out then great and if not then I shall move on because emotional and physical intimacy are very important to me in my primary relationship.

I wish you well with your own challenges. I truly sympathise as it must be very frustrating living with AvPd. I do believe however that any personality traits no matter how deep can be challenged and overcome with time and patience.

With best wishes, Nelly