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Ridicule:


nearlydead
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By engaging with women, my secret has been revealed to three different socail circles, resulting in me re starting my life three times, and finally just giving up on life altogether, I now have no friends or anything else.

I had an expeirence where a woman I slept with stood up in the middle of the pub on a friday night and shouted out "ND cock is the size of my finger, come on ND show everyone your tiny little cock" (or words to that effect)

everybody laughed including strangers, everyone in that pub knew about me. I often think about killing that bitch.

I can convince myself that size doesnt matter that much in the bigger picture, there is always this memory of ridicule and humiliation, and other incidents too. In hindsight, I know I added to this truama by walking away from the lives I have had.

Now the mechanics: I realise that the ridicule of others over size hurts me because I buy into/give value to the insults. I do this because I fully agree and identify with what they are sayingabout me, they are not lying, just stating the truth. This is why the ridicule hurts. The belief that they are right is supported by my self hate for my ridicoulus looking little cock.(edit: This is where this site gives me the most benefit. I often re-read what I have wrote, and think "feck me, this guy is really mental") I have answered my own question in that I need to stop the self hate.

If I didnt agree with what they are saying then the ridicule would just be like water of a ducks back, a shrug of the shoulders, and its done.

Can anyone give me a formula of thought that allows me to just shrug this shit of? and still leave me with some dignity.

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The reason it hurts so much, as you said ND, is because you believe it to be true. But what is "small" really? One man might think 6 inches is small while another might feel 4 inches is average. Maybe try and stop thinking of yourself or seeing yourself as "small". Or changing your definition of "small".

You speak of self-hate at the sight of your penis. Do you get "triggerish" feelings when you look at it? I know you say it's because it's "small", but maybe there is some memory or something that goes deeper than just "small"? Maybe not. But getting to the "whys" can loosen things a bit. If you are feeling shame and this shame then leads to feelings of self-loathing, the source of the shame needs to be explored. Am I making any sense here with this?

I was thinking more about the woman in the bar and tried putting myself in your shoes, ND. Maybe there is more to it than just believing what she says. Your trust was betrayed. You shared something of yourself which was very private and personal and her behavior was disrespectful to that and you. It leaves you feeling exposed and not valued. I can understand your anger and upset. Knowing this doesn't help you deal with any further potential ridicule. But, I would suggest again, that you try choosing carefully who you share yourself with. Also maybe try and value the act as a bit more sacred or special. Give only to those who you know will respect you and who will respect the sanctity of what you have shared. Sharing with a woman who has little value for such things may put you (or any man) at greater risk for this type of cruel behavior.

Edited by IrmaJean
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Maybe, (trying to find I different angle here) the reason why some women would say a thing like that is because they do not fully understand the extent of the humiliation and hurt. I know there are some very cruel people out there but I do think that the majority are good. From what I have read and talked about with other women is that the penis to most of them is not something they particularily like visually. Maybe they do not see the emotional force a penis holds for a man. Maybe expressing just how you feel with a woman before you sleep with her is the answer. Would someone really out your secret knowing how much pain it would cause you? Maybe I am just being too hopeful

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I'm also an optimist, dyinginside, and believe most people are decent at heart...or that at least the potential to be kind is within them. I think there are a lot of different reasons why someone might potentially display this kind of insensitive behavior and it always reflects on the person who is being insensitive and not on the person targeted. They have their own insecurities and rather than face that, they choose to put someone else down. They push away their own fears by projecting stuff onto another. It makes them feel powerful if even only momentarily. Someone who needs to feel powerful at the expense of another denies their own weaknesses this way. I would suggest the laughter of the patrons might be a result of their own discomfort with what had taken place. I do think it's helpful to understand that every person has doubts and insecurities, however buried. Something I've mentioned more than once, but it is the truth. None of us is better than anyone else. We're all flawed. Another person's opinion of us might not hold as much weight if we were aware that this opinion was driven by that person's need for self-protection rather than being based on actual truths.

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Yes we can screen our women, although not 100%. Its not thier motivation that counts, its the resulting ridicule by women and peers.

The point of this thread was to find an answer to how we lessen the affect of ridicule by others on ourselves. Ridicule is inevietable and we need to find a way of dealing with it when it happens. Avoidance is no answer.

The ridicule affects us because we believe what they say as true. If someone where to call me big nose, it would not bother me at all, because I know its not true or I dont percieve a big nose as a problem. (This comes from Mark, David or Malign, thanks)

To beat the ridicule, I have to believe that "size dont matter". As of now, I believe size does not matter MUCH to women (Job done on that one) But at the moment I am stuck on "size matters to me" I now know where I have to work.:)

Beat Ridicule = A) Believe size doesnt matter MUCH to women, and :) Beleive size doesn't matter THAT MUCH to me. (A self delusion that could be accepatble to my mind)

This then minimises the importance of size to me, which then takes the power away from those who ridicule me. Besides which, anyone who ridicules me over size should also be prepared for a sore face, as its then open season on them too.

Edited by nearlydead
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Beat Ridicule = A) Believe size doesnt matter MUCH to women, and B) Beleive size doesn't matter THAT MUCH to me. (A self delusion that could be accepatble to my mind)

This then minimises the importance of size to me, which then takes the power away from those who ridicule me.

Sounds like a good plan, ND. :)

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ND,

I'm impressed with the way you keep trying. Yet another quality of a good man that you have, and many don't. Stuff like education or income doesn't matter nearly as much as things like determination and integrity.

And I think you've hit on the exact point: it isn't about perceived size or sexual ability nearly as much as it is about the things people might say. If you had the same penis, but no one had ever said anything, life might be completely different. You don't have to change the penis, then, but rather your reaction to people who might say something.

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You speak of self-hate at the sight of your penis. Do you get "triggerish" feelings when you look at it? I know you say it's because it's "small", but maybe there is some memory or something that goes deeper than just "small"? Maybe not. But getting to the "whys" can loosen things a bit. If you are feeling shame and this shame then leads to feelings of self-loathing, the source of the shame needs to be explored. Am I making any sense here with this?

When I am thinking "clean" ie not negative about size I feel positive and can come up with resonable arguments to help rationalise my negativety away. I can think this stuff, but I dont absolutely believe it, but it is getting more believeable. So there is an element of repeating the positive over and over again, which forces the negativiety away. I have had most success with the "size matters to me, more than it does to women" aspect. After years of beleiving the absolute opposite of this, I can now at least believe it as mostly true. Its a case of keep reviewing the type of evidence I put in the other thread, and keep discounting the little voice in my head saying "yeh but!" This is my way forward.

The self hate is what opens me up to the effects of ridicule. This is the most pressing part for me now, as I dont have a fully thought out solution. The trouble is whenever I see, feel or think of my penis I get the hate. If I catch myself in the mirror after the bath, or look at it when erect I get a kick in the stomach like when you drive over a hill, or realise you've forgotten something really important. Then the stream of negative thoughts kick in, and the spiral downwards begins. Erect, its just so short it looks ridiculous, I imagine what my penis looks like when Im performing and it just looks so small, its not much bigger than my thumb. I also get angry when I hold my erection in the palm of my hand, as it only just clears my four fingers, its pathetic, stupid, child like, then I start thinking how it compare to an avearage penis and then a large penis, and that I will almost certainly be the smallest a woman has seen, then that Im going to be rattling around inside a woman (I know this is not true) or that if I recieve oral, she must be thinking tiny. These are just some of the negative thoughts that go through my mind, I can keep going and going with this stuff. It is an ugly disfigurement, and there is no way I can change the way it looks.

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Its a case of keep reviewing the type of evidence I put in the other thread, and keep discounting the little voice in my head saying "yeh but!" This is my way forward.

ND, your way is the way. You have to find your own path with this and if you find it to be working, than this is the way to go. Good for you!

The self hate is what opens me up to the effects of ridicule. This is the most pressing part for me now, as I dont have a fully thought out solution. The trouble is whenever I see, feel or think of my penis I get the hate. If I catch myself in the mirror after the bath, or look at it when erect I get a kick in the stomach like when you drive over a hill, or realise you've forgotten something really important. Then the stream of negative thoughts kick in, and the spiral downwards begins. Erect, its just so short it looks ridiculous, I imagine what my penis looks like when Im performing and it just looks so small, its not much bigger than my thumb. I also get angry when I hold my erection in the palm of my hand, as it only just clears my four fingers, its pathetic, stupid, child like, then I start thinking how it compare to an avearage penis and then a large penis, and that I will almost certainly be the smallest a woman has seen, then that Im going to be rattling around inside a woman (I know this is not true) or that if I recieve oral, she must be thinking tiny. These are just some of the negative thoughts that go through my mind, I can keep going and going with this stuff. It is an ugly disfigurement, and there is no way I can change the way it looks.

I think you're being very hard on yourself, ND. There are many women out there who would appreciate you sharing yourself with them and who wouldn't judge you in any way. (I know... I've said this before.) Maybe think of your penis as fitting you. It belongs to you just as it is. The way that it is is the way it's supposed to be. It's ND's. Part of ND. Part of you. Is it difficult to be gentle with yourself like this? I know it sounds corny and all, but maybe look at this part of you as a beautiful part of yourself and not as any kind of disfigurement. Your view is distorted in that. This is yours and it's a very natural part of you and everyone is unique. You're unique and this part of you is something that makes you a unique individual. I know it's not easy, but try and talk to yourself kindly. You deserve kindness and it's okay to be kind to yourself.

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the way it's supposed to be. It's ND's. Part of ND. Part of you. Is it difficult to be gentle with yourself like this? I know it sounds corny and all, but maybe look at this part of you as a beautiful part of yourself and not as any kind of disfigurement. Your view is distorted in that. This is yours and it's a very natural part of you and everyone is unique.

This stuff all sounds very nice and jolly, but it is not supposed to be like this and its not beautiful, and all this "were all unique and to be celebrated sounds like some kind of idealism based in the land of the fairy's.

If I was here telling you I had a disfigured face with 3 eyes and 2 noses, you would still be tellling me im beuatiful and unique. Its rubbish. I dont want to sound harsh, but this type of stuff just riles me.:) although I know you mean well, and say it with a good heart.

Inorder for me to change, the new mindset I aim for has to have some semblance of truth or logic for me to begin work.

"my penis is good enough to please a woman" based of evidence gathered from female physiology, female feedback, and my own personal expeirence. Using these fact based arguments allows me to logically accept that my thinking has been wrong. and allows me to accept the new idea as truth.

I need to stop this self hate. I cannot stop it by looking at my penis and telling myself that it is not disfigured, that it is not small, that it is beatiful. Yes it is part of me, but I would gladly exchange my arms, legs and eyes inorder to change it. There is no truth or logic in telling myself this "my penis is wonderfull" stuff, so it cannotwork for me.

Where I can make a change is to conciestly stop the negative thoughts by strength of will and distraction. This at least gives me a kind of holiday from it all. I can also believe that my mindset is perhaps unnessesarily harsh in veiwing my penis, but it is largely correct. I am small, misshaped and scarred (from the undescended testicle op)

This part, is the same problem they are facing on the disfigurement site that I have been reading. The problem has a phsyical reality, and at the end of the day just has to be accepted. How I acheive this fully, I dont know yet.

As always Irma, I appreciate your feedback and good intentions, youre my own personal, Deanna Troy:D and I do value your counsel.

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This stuff all sounds very nice and jolly, but it is not supposed to be like this and its not beautiful, and all this "were all unique and to be celebrated sounds like some kind of idealism based in the land of the fairy's.

If I was here telling you I had a disfigured face with 3 eyes and 2 noses, you would still be tellling me im beuatiful and unique. Its rubbish. I dont want to sound harsh, but this type of stuff just riles me.:) although I know you mean well, and say it with a good heart.

I've come to understand that you and I have very different types of personality. Undoubtedly I'm an idealist in my beliefs and feelings, you are correct. I know that you don't share my views and I totally respect that. I do hope, though, that you know that when I express this type of stuff it is completely genuine in the place where I am coming from. I really feel this way about things.

Anyhow, I'm no pro at this and probably need to learn to turn myself down a bit. The best way to offer suggestions would be in a way that works positively for you. ND is a thinking man. Logic and proof. Clear-cut objectives and a plan of approach.

Maybe try and focus on the belief that your mindset is unnecessarily harsh, as you have stated, and allow this thought in your mind a little bit at a time.

I might also ask why you value this more than an arm or leg. Your eyes? What if you did lose your sight and could no longer see your penis? How do you think you would feel about it then? I can't help but wonder if looking at it reminds you of past pain, rejection and the disapproval of others. These negative associations may make its appearance seem worse than it actually is. I am throwing this out there as a thought to potentially consider. You may consider things and then determine that they are not valid, but maybe first give the thought a chance. In doing this, even if you decide the thought is untrue, it opens your mind a bit to challenging your beliefs.

Deanna Troi, huh? Cool. :)

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Logic and proof. Clear-cut objectives and a plan of approach

Thats it in a nutshell. This method is the one that best fits my way of doing things. The way I get most things done. Im not a faith, hope and love kind of person. Its in this, that I can relate to Alans article when he mentions, rigid thought patterns and emotional immaturity, perhaps I need to explore my emotional side (I only do angry with any skill).

looking at it reminds you of past pain, rejection and the disapproval of others. These negative associations may make its appearance seem worse than it actually is

It certainly does. and your probably right, its a logical argument for why I may parshally view my penis from a slightly dysmorphic viewpoint, perhaps I do have genuine SPS. The self hate is made up of three elements, phsyilogical hate about the size, look feel etc, 2) focus of blame for other peoples ridicule, and 3) Focus of what I have lost, wasted, might of been etc. Once these thoughts start, they become automatic, I have a script of favourite self talk that I can make last for hours. This constant tirade is what I know I can stop conceistly or with distraction. Its then a case of filling that gap with something else. something about "two things cannot ocupie the same space, at the same time"

This is good stuff, By breaking thoughts and feelings down into individual parts, give them labels, then thinking of ways to dismiss or validate stuff, seems like a formula to work stuff with. Cheer's Irma.

Edited by nearlydead
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  • 4 weeks later...

hi nd

i understand how you feel. i was teased and ridiculed because of my penis all my life. my latest ridicule was about a couple of months ago. i went to a local store to buy a condom. the store clerk told me that i should buy the asian brand condom because it will "fit better" for me. i guess me being an overweight asian was a dead give away that my penis is rather small. there was several girls behind me at that time and they tried very hard not to laugh. i should have cursed him out but i wanted to get out of the situation so i just agreed and bought it. the sad part is that it did slightly "fit better" for me and im thinking about using that particular brand again. although the length of the asian condom was about the same but the width was little smaller. i never went back to that store. anyway, my point of the story is that there are people out there who will make fun of us. they are an idiot but idiots are everywhere. it's life and we have to learn to carry on. it's difficult as hell but we have to live with whatever we have. we can't let our size to define who we are as a man.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello blue laser,

please help me out, I'm having difficulty understanding something. When you went to a pharmacy to buy a condom hell would the clerk know what size condom you need?

:confused:

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Hi Blue,

This is exactly what Im talking about. If we interact with the world we have to deal with ridicule over our size. It is inevietable that eventually someone will let the cat out of the bag and expose us to ridicule.

As has been said before we all have to develop a stratergy of "so what" and actually believe it to the point where other peoples opinions of us carry no weight. I think it was Malign who said the ridicule over size only hurts us because we buy into and believe what others are saying is true, which is why ridicule over size hurts us. but if we did not believe size to be a problem then, other people ridculing us would not hurt. Example, I dont believe I have a big nose, so if someone shouted at me "Oi Beaky, you got a face like a smacked ass" I would just dismiss it because it has no emotional meaning for me.

However, pulling this type of reasoning off, is a real trick. But at least it is a goal or a method of dealing with stuff, which is something we did not have before. something to think about and move forward with, instead of ruminating on size as a hopeless situation. The trick is to focus on whatever positives we can, no matter how weak an argument. Because when we are thinking positively, we are obvoiusly not thinking negatively.

Rec, another PM

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