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On Monday I got frustrated. I hadnt done it in a long time. Maybe almost a year. I wasnt thinking clearly, not only that but I allowed myself to become obliterated to the point that I didnt even care. I didn't even recollect the incident until later the following day after I tried to think back into the past nights intoxicated stuper. In a blind rage, I took my fiances pocket knife when he wasnt looking and started etching in the midst of my anger and emotion, isolated in my bedroom. He realized I was going on a tangent again and looked for his knife and found it missing. He ran into the bedroom and rescued me from myself again. He stopped me before I could really get going. I hid the knife under my sheets before he noticed. We talked and I guess I fell asleep.

I wake up and continue on with my life as though there was no incident at all. I feel as though there wasnt, until I allow myself to feel the shame of what I did. I pretend I didnt.

Why do my emotions, my anxiety, my rage allow me to do this? I didn't get a chance to truly hurt myself, but I thought those days were gone. When I first starting 'cutting' in adolesence I told myself it wasn't self injury (i take a knife and scratch scratch scratch or carve and etch until it forms what appears to be a 'cut'), it was just me being a silly teen. I started doing it more. It ceased in time.. i 'grew out of it'.

Sometimes people notice my arm and ask me what happened. They always speak too soon because the moment they say it they realize what it is and feel embarrassed for having mentioned it at all.

Why do I get driven into my past habits from time to time? They are few and far in between, but they are still there. I mean... is there such thing as 'relapsing' when it isnt even a substance?

Thanks for letting me share.

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Hi Taybkc88, sounds like you're going through a bit of a spell. I don't cut but I do use food to punish myself, so I do understand to a point I think.... Have you lived anything lately that triggered you, made you feel insecure, or like the person you were back when you used to cut??? I know that when I get into a binge there is usually a trigger... and then I slide downwards into hating myself and punishing myself. What do you think?

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