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notmary

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Guest ASchwartz

Notmary,

As a therapist with over thirty years of experience I want to encourage you to find a way to approach this with your therapist. Without revealing what is giving you a problem, you can tell your therapist that you are struggling with things that you are keeping back. You can then explain why: your fear that the therapist will think you really fucked up, etc. The point is, you need to start talking around the outer edges of the issue so that the two of you can cover important ground together.

Allan:)

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I thought about showing the posts but I won't do that. In a way it is like a diary and I need the privacy i feel even though it is a public forum. I did talk about parts of this, particularly the fear I feel of that little girl and the hatred. Feeling pretty vunerable... guess i am still that little girl in some respects because i want to curl up in a ball and have someone tell me i am okay. thanks for your thoughtful responses will try to be a better member of this forum

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right here in this vulnerable place, we stand with you! It hurts very much, but it does NOT mean you are not valuable, not loveable. This is a crucial part of you.... we know what it is like to run and to hate ourselves and to need help and support so we can come back together.... You are doing the work you need to do, mary, you don't need to be different for us:o

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Notmary,

As a therapist with over thirty years of experience I want to encourage you to find a way to approach this with your therapist. Without revealing what is giving you a problem, you can tell your therapist that you are struggling with things that you are keeping back. You can then explain why: your fear that the therapist will think you really fucked up, etc. The point is, you need to start talking around the outer edges of the issue so that the two of you can cover important ground together.

Allan:)

Allen,

Your response hits home with me personally and on behalf of Notmary because I feel it deeply from the standpoint of being a client in this situation (and think Notmary is in a similar situation). What David O and IrmaJean speak of makes complete sense BUT sometimes (as you seem to be saying in your post) the barriers that are keeping someone from being open NEED TO BE the main issue discussed in therapy before one can even get to the issues being withheld.

I personally believe that the therapist should operate on assumption with this area and consistently speak to therapist/client trust. I wish the point was driven home to the client as a normal part of every session. To explain to and remind the client often that it would be beneficial to both therapist and client for them to find the most comfortable way (journals etc…) to bring any doubts / deep shameful issues / lack of comfort into the sessions in my mind is the only (or most time saving) way to break these barriers. I believe if a client is left unable to bring out the serious issues (from discomfort) for too long ~ their self-esteem starts to suffer from the therapy experience and other factors start to offer a reasonable way out ~ money, time, lack of progress etc…

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David O,

I liked the "growth comes from reaching towards the light" description you give.

I am having trouble understanding something you wrote.

Unless someone is not in actual pain (directly from the shame) but instead is coming to you because society demands they change behavior or else (for example ~ maybe an addict, or a spouse who has drawn the line and demands some show of desire to change from your client) ~ why else would someone that seeks help hold back information unless it is due to shame, fear of rejection and/or inability to trust? An issue (of great importance) is presented to you in the very fact that they are not open with you. So why would that issue be reason for the client to be turned away?

What about the often most powerful way we impact another human being ~ in the planting of seed? What would warrant turning those opportunities away? Is my lack of knowledge with this blinding me to another side of it?

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Notmary,

I can offer you some of what I have learned about fear. I personally now understand that so many belief systems were set in place when I was three and my Mom died. I can logically (finally) see that the distrust formed from that moment DOES NOT have to have a specific place to land ~ no actions of another are always necessary to trigger it ~ it was the fear of loss. Notmary ~ if someone would have taken my Dad away after my Mom died (as you were taken from your Mom after losing your Dad) I cannot even begin to imagine the devastating impact that would have had on my mental well being. As it was, the rituals I created to keep those I dared to love alive were painful and exhausting – things that intellectually I knew had no impact on if someone lived or died ~ yet it was that fear of losing them that preventing me from even considering stopping. I beat myself up for this until only a few years ago. Your fears might be as unnamed as mine were to me but the fact is ~ the intensity of it is still very real. So in hindsight from that experience I feel it is BETTER to respect a fear (instead of faulting yourself for having it because it seems so illogical) because from THAT position you are better able to gain insight as to the source of it and the purpose it was created to serve.

I am crushed from the little you have described about your childhood history. It is painful to consider you as a child having to negotiate your way through the day in and day out of that ~ and the impact that must have on your life now as an adult. The thought that after all of that you ended up in the hands of someone that abused you is overwhelming. There is the flip side of that Notmary that speaks to what you posted earlier about this person that abused you taking your spirit. Your very life is to me such a profound tribute to the human spirit and with all due respect ~ I do not trust your perspective on that at this moment and wholly trust mine. I want with all of my heart for you to be able to borrow my trust in this. Life experience has put you in a battle and that spirit is in fact what has kept you standing and fighting the entire time.

I can relate to the second guessing you do about the posts you put on here. Honestly Notmary, I spend so much time on most every post I write on here that most would find it unbelievable ~ I second guess myself to death. I feel shame when I include anything about my past and so often feel that I am driving people bonkers with my thoughts. I can assure you though that I personally am disappointed when you have not posted for a while. I do hope you keep posting.

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Say Again, Thank you. Your words are like a blanket to me warm and comforting. I can't write more than this right now. Finding my way I feel lilke last night i fell down a very dark hole. I am going to work on breathing today. that is all just breathing.

Edited by notmary
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Here's what we can do. Here at this site, we can stand with you in this scene as the adults that are now present and functioning. You did not have what you needed then, but you do now. Can you feel us all around in this scene yet Mary? If you can, you will feel us reaching across to that little girl and taking her out of his power. He has been found out by the adult community, and he knows he is wrong. He is the one who is very, very afraid now. As for you and your little girl, we hold you, and listen to you, and tell you things are going to be all right. It is not easy going through this, but you are alive, and there is more to your story than this chapter.

I am wishing you well today.:o:o

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Thank you for your support. Things are more under control right now and I am able to put this away.

David, I wanted to respond to something you said. I am not trying to deliberately hide things from my therapist. She knows that I have a severe problem with trusting anyone, including her. I don't use my problem as an excuse to keep secrets or hide from her. My reality is that I freeeze and panic whenever it comes time to talk about myself and my issues. Thankfully she recognizes that this is where I am at and that sharing of anything about myself feels like jumping off a cliff without any certainty that something will catch me. Despite all that she has done to reassure me, I have a very difficult time in opening up to her. But she keeps supporting me and showing me care.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Notmary,

That was well said and I congratulate you on how you expressed yourself and explained yourself so David, myself and all of us can better understand. Good job.

Allan:)

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I wanted to check in and let people know that I am not in the frazzled panicked state that I have been as of late. I don't why I am calmer, and frankly it is such a respite from where i have been that i don't want to examine things too closely. I wish that I could be like this forever... not happy but able to breathe, and function and be present with my kids and husband.

I have been able to share a bit more of the feelings with my therapist and parts of the story that is emerging from my brain. I need to keep myself detached when I talk about it because if I don't I fall apart.

Thanks for your support and caring...

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The panic is back i had to do something for my job today that took me to a place where i had a horrible flashback the voice wins and i know that i will never be free of this shit he told me i was a whore and i am and i dont know why i ever think differently

i am failing at this and i am not strong enough to fight through it i just want the voice to leave me alone

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there will be setbacks, but that does not mean you are losing... you are needing a deeper integration, and that will happen for you:o. We are standing next to you in that scene, you are not alone and those days are over... a day will come when you see the adult support around you and he will look up and be VERY afraid because what he is doing is wrong:mad: and that story will then change...

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i feel like i am losing...i have lost i cant pretend that i am ok when i feel like shit and when i get lost in what happened it feels like i am there being raped the fear and pain and nausea are overwhelming me right now i need to make it stop

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I don't know your therapist, but for this kind of trouble mine would want me to call. She may not be available, but it would be worth trying.

This work can be so tough, but you are making gains on it. Allow in adult intervention to that scene...reach across to that little one, or let her stand with us until you can, or let us stand with you until you can... whatever way that works, dear mary.:o

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Thank you for the suggestion. I don't know why I didn't even think to call her It was like my brain was so f-upped at that time that I couldn't even think what to do. I didn't get through to her but just hearing her voice on the answering machine was like a lifesaver and at least brought me back to now. I couldn't bring myself to leave a message because I am ashamed that I am back here again. Which brings up the original question from months ago... how am I ever going to move past the shame and embarassment. I am sorry to bother everyone and I am sure you are sick of my whining. I guess I am a lost cause.

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you will move past the shame and embarassment by doing exactly what you are doing... step by step you are speaking up, you are gathering your strength to reach out for help when you need it, you are weaving a bridge to the trauma of then so the parts of you that are trapped there can connect to the safety of now.

I encourage you to try again to call your therapist if you can. It is ok to do that, even if she cannot see you or talk to you right away, she will care that you are having a rough time and will want to know.

You are not a lost cause. If you are a lost cause, then we are too. You hurt. :(

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