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This is where I ended up...


ThePetPerson
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Well, not yet. I can feel it growing on me. I have too much to deal with, and I want to do something to get rid of it all. My whole life its been about keeping everything under control, so what can I do? I cant lash out, I cant even lose my temper, I must keep it all under control. I am about ready to burst and it seems so... inviting. I must control my emotions but I must let it all out. And this is where I ended up. Self harm.

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Pet, I'm going to approach that one from two directions.

First, if you start hurting yourself, how will that help? You might bleed, you'll feel pain. But nothing will actually have been gotten rid of. You'd control the hurt, but you're in just as much control not doing it.

Second, who says you can't lash out or lose your temper? Everyone else does, and most of us aren't dealing with such large issues. In fact, have you tried approaching your dad, not about his issues, but about yours? I don't see how self-harm is a "normal" teenage issue.

Either way, you've got to take command and do what you want. You see self-harm coming, so you get the opportunity to decide whether you want that.

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Oh, no, Pet! I'm so sorry you've fallen here :)

I also hurted myself (but it was "only" beating and bit(e?)ing, "no bood"...), so I know how could it feel. But ... do you understand what self-harming means for you? Please, think about it! Try to explain it to us. What does hurting brings you? What does it really mean for you? Why do you do it?

I guess that you are not yet aware of it, but it's only you way of crying for hepl. And probably also a way to cope with your overhelming emotions - I used it to "outvoice"/overcome my psychical feelings by physical ones. But WHY to add another pain instead of get rid of the first???

Please, think about it. Try to understand yourself. Do you really consider yourself soo bad that you deserve suffering and pain???

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Well, not yet. I can feel it growing on me. I have too much to deal with, and I want to do something to get rid of it all. My whole life its been about keeping everything under control, so what can I do? I cant lash out, I cant even lose my temper, I must keep it all under control. I am about ready to burst and it seems so... inviting. I must control my emotions but I must let it all out. And this is where I ended up. Self harm.

Hi there,

I understand ... ANd have had many experiences of self harming personally. The problem with SI that I am stronly aware of is that it is only a temporary release of unexpressed emotions and feelings.

About control issues , SI is actually when the individual has lot control over ones thinking and body, taking it all out on herself or himself. Losing control in this manner is and can be extrememly serious . I welcome you to read a few of my blogs regarding self injury and my own personal experiences.

SI in the professional world is about lack of coping skills . It is so much more then that though. however their is a good point here.

aND THAT IS YOU HAVE TO FIND DIFFERENT , alternative ways of coping . that is the key of controlling the strong urges to self harm.

If their is anything I can do to help u get through all of this , I like to be supportive to you. I have self injured extensively , and know a great deal about it ...

Cathy

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I can not lash out or lose my temper. I live with the constant feeling of sadness and anger, so what am I to lose my temper at? My dad? How would that help things? If no one does anything wrong, if nothing ever changes then what am I to do? Shout and scream for what appears to be no reason? I have no way to express emotion since there is no cause. So I will take the anger out on myself, I release the bad feelings and the pain will now be on the outside. And then I am in control again. Do you understand?

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I think I do (understand). You described it very well - this is a typical "mechanism" of "coping" with such situations; typical for many people B).

I know it can help for a while but I'm sure you also know that it isn't a "systematic" solution.

"P.S.": I wrote you more in comments to your blog, so... I hope you'll reply someday :)

Edited by LaLa3
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Hi again,

I'd like to remind you the post of David O from your 2nd thread, here is one paragraph:

<<What we're doing is having you "fill your own cup" so that you can better cope with your Dad's illness and your own pain over it, and your isolation and loneliness. There is no easy escape from your situation, and there are no mental games and gymnastics to lessen your experience, but what there is are ways to lessen it's damaging impact on you. Having a support system, which is what is lacking in your life, is the very best 1st step--- and staying busy with things that while anxiety producing at first may be life saving later, is crucial.>>

I see that some things in the plan he proposed are almost or completely impossible to do for you (e.g. you wrote that in your school, there isn't a councelor), but the principle of the plan is important and inspiring. You should fill your time with enjoyable activities - not with crying and self-harming. It might seem that it doesn't make sense (="how to enjoy something when you are so depressed"), but... I'm sure you can believe somebody with so many experiences :( and try to "obey" his advise.

And I can add one information: Scientists have prooven that when we "force" us to act happily, we become (IF we are not ill - and I hope you only feel depressed, because you have such troubles, but you are not mentaly ill!) more happy (at least a bit).

You say you love your pets and like horseriding. I hope you still can enjoy at least your pets. And have you a possibility to ride a horse every week? Try to think more about what can make you feel good...

Take care,

L.

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I am not doing well at all :) For the past two days my father has been talking to himself every chance he gets, my brothers are being how brothers are, annoying and stupid. I am feeling angry, lonely, scared and upset. I understand SI isnt the best solution but its the only one I can come to. Id like to say I dont want to SI but I do! I have always been aware of the risks, I have always thought it was stupid of people to do, I didnt understand why people did it. Until now. LaLa3, thank you. I do go horseriding every friday, exercise used to be a good outlet but as things have developed its no longer helpful :)

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Hi, PetPerson,

Did you read the thread in the forum "Urgen need" called "I need to cut" by WhereIsTheLove? I recommend it. It's a young girl who suffers from SI and as she describes, she has to cut herself even when he doesn't have a clear "reason", when she's not in such a bad situation where it would be a bit "understandable".

I consider it important for you to read it carefully, because: You are "at the beginning", you started with SI and are not yet "addicted" to it. As the story of WhereIsTheLove and many other prooves, it's a kind of addiction. Same reasons and almost same consequences as alcohol or drugs! Please, don't let yourself to become addicted! That's the worse thing one can do when depressed or desperate! You're such a wise girl! I know you realize this all, but feel I need to remind it to you because your troubles and pains had taken control over you. Don't let them to win! You don't deserve such a fate! :)

I know I'm writing too much, but... I'd like to share one more idea, probably unpleasant to you ;) : When you dad will (nexttime) be in the situation you described in the "Urgent need" forum, call the emergency, or a psychological hepl-line! That's the only situation (when his illness demonstrates clearly) when somebody can interfere - when he's fine, it would be hard to persuade somebody to come and hepl him.

Oh, sorry, some more things came to my mind:

- The psych. help line would probably be very good also for you when you're feeling the temptation to harming yourself!

- You said you don't konw your dad's psychiatrist, but you could contact his doctor (I mean the "practical doctor"/"family" doctor - I don't know it in English...). I know that it would be difficult for you, but maybe you should try!

- SI really is a reason that "alows" you to go to your doctor and ask for hepl. If you felt that your "depression" is not "severe enought" to seek a professional hepl (-what I never thought!), now you don't have any reason more to refuse a medical hepl. I don't believe that you are not allowed to see your own doctor alone (without a parent). You wrote that your dad has to agree with your therapy and he would not, BUT there must be a way to solve this kind of situation, when the parent(s) are not in a psychical state allowing them to do such decisions! You and I don't know about it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! So don't give it up without trying!

Hope it wasn't too much for one post... (I have to go now...)

Take care!

L.

Edited by LaLa3
WhereIsTheLove is a girl - I didn't know it before (I wrote boy)
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Hi ThePetPerson, ;)

Sorry you are feeling so low, and arent doing too well :)

Its a very upsetting time for you at home right now, and I can understand your frustration and hurt. Please try not to take your pain out on you, by harming yourself further. S/I might seem like your only way of being able to cope, but hun seriously it will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Is there something you can do to try distract yourself from the thoughts of S/I ?

Maybe take up a new hobby ? Is there any activity that you enjoy, that maybe you can focus your attention too when you are feeling so low ? Maybe drawing, painting or trying to express your emotions through words of poetry or song ? Just a thought.

We are here for you, and do care.

Take care hun

Sue

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I am not doing well at all ;) For the past two days my father has been talking to himself every chance he gets, my brothers are being how brothers are, annoying and stupid. I am feeling angry, lonely, scared and upset. I understand SI isnt the best solution but its the only one I can come to. Id like to say I dont want to SI but I do! I have always been aware of the risks, I have always thought it was stupid of people to do, I didnt understand why people did it. Until now. LaLa3, thank you. I do go horseriding every friday, exercise used to be a good outlet but as things have developed its no longer helpful ;)

I just wanted to say that you can lean on me. I will try help you and be supportive . SI sucks , and trying to fight it sucks even more . HUN , I know all to well .

your friend ,

CAthy

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Thank you Cathy :( Im sorry that you are having a hard time lately :( I am dissapointed with myself. Everything has been getting worse at home and today my so called freind said that I should stop being an "emo" and that my entire family is wrong in the head. I trusted her, I let someone in and this is what I get. I feel that I over reacted, I dont know why it hurt me so much but it did. Then I came home to my dad who did not talk for over an hour, only talking to himself when he was alone. I cut. And now I hate myself. But I want to do it again. I am so ashamed.

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Pet, I'm sorry you felt bad enough to hurt yourself, but I don't think you deserve to feel shame for it.

Was your "friend's" comment really worth it, though? Notice how silly their comment was, too: they think it's okay to imply that "wrong in the head" is your family's fault (even if that phrase were a valid description of the situation), but that a family history of, say, heart disease wouldn't be. It's treatable; it's a disease like any other.

What part of the experience makes you want to do it again? Did it solve any of the problems you face?

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Hi, Pet,

I wonder if it's possible that your "supposed friend" is a real friend and you argued only because you didn't (and still don't) understand each other, none of you had done an effort to understand. I can imagine that hearing "such things" about you and your family causes an overreaction, it's normal. But... have you considered to give the girl another chance and speak to her when your emotions will be calmed down? She can not understand your situation, as she doesn't have any experiences like you have. But wouldn't it be possible to explain it? You already mentioned that people, including your friends, don't want to know and understand this all. But I don't know yet, what effort have you done to explain it. Maybe this situation could be a starting point: You could apologise to this girl and explain her what caused your overreaction, describe your feelings.

Why do I suppose that she can be your real friend? She said you "should stop being an "emo" " - so it means she cares about you, she noticed your self-harming and doesn't understand (nobody does, who has never experienced it - remember what you thought about SI before!!!), but she understands one important thing: It's not good for you. She tried to stop you, by her own, "thumby" way. Don't blame her because of the way she has done it (comparing you to an emo, what is logical, as people often "couple" SI with emo)! Try to take it in a positive way, as a starting point for a discussion about this problem. You can explain her that you feel ashamed, that you also know that SI is "not a solution", but... - quoting this thread - "this is where you ended up"!

What do you think about this?

Good luck!

P.S.: Sorry for not posting sooner; it's because I try to post only at weekends. But... I'm going to look for you answer every day!

Edited by LaLa3
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She called me an emo because I am depressed, she does not know about the SI. All I told her is that I think my dad has schizophrenia after I came into school with red eyes and face (from crying). I was talking to my older brother and his girlfriend and then later she was asking if it was his girlfriend and I said yes. She then started laughing saying that my brother must be mad and my entire family is wrong in the head. I then told her she should not have said that and she said it was just a joke and I should stop being an emo, that everybody has problems and I have no right to be depressed. How is it a joke? How is it funny? Maybe I overreacted but my emotions are so out of whack at the moment... I have made up with her, I even apologized for overreacting but now I regret it, should I have been the one to apologize?

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Oh, I can see now that it was more complicated than as you described it previously :). I just wanted to be sure if there wasn't any misunderstanding at your side (of what she said)...

<<should I have been the one to apologize? >> - Of course not, but... maybe sometimes it's better to do it to show to "the other side" that... you don't like conflicts and are always ready to "settle disputes" - your apologize is the chance/occasion given to the other part to apologize to you. If this (apologize of that girl) wasn't the case, then... she certainly isn't a firend :).

I've just read your new blog (not before today :-() - it's great that you decided to enjoy the pleasant feeling... (with your icecream :()! You should "indulge in" something you like more often!!! Preferably every day. It might seem strange, but... why not to try this: Instead of doing yourself harm, try to "do yourself something good, even if you feel very bad and thus don't want it at the moment"! Hm? ;-)

I hope the weekend is/was fine for you!

Take care!

P.S.: What about the film "Beautiful mind"? :o

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