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I need to cut


WhereIsTheLove
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I need to cut RIGHT NOW and I don't know how to stop it. Right now I am looking through some distraction pages online that I found but the urge is getting stronger by the minute and I don't know what to do.

Eventually I have to take a shower tonight and that is hard because of the razors at my immediate use. I don't even know what is causing the urge, I just feel like I have to do it. Please someone help me. I don't want to cut but I can't keep this up much longer.

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Hi WhereIsTheLove

Im sorry you are feeling these awful urges tonight. What distractions have you tried ?

Would maybe listening to relaxing music help, painting, or phoning a close friend just to chat about normal stuff help to distract you at all ?

Are you at home on your own, maybe you coud call a friend to sit with you.

I know how hard it is, and just wanted to say we are here and listening, talk to us, maybe that will help some too.

Take care

Sue

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I have a list of distractions given to me by my therapist. I have tried a rubber band, eating, counting to ten, rationalizing, looking at funny websites...

I am a college student at home for spring break right now and my parents don't know. I can't ask them to remove the razors. No friends know either. And it wouldn't be worth it to talk to my therapist because I would just get her voicemail so by the time she got to it I would have either SI-ed or it would have passed.

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Hi

Do you have any coursework from college that maybe you could try and do, and use that as a form of distraction. (yeah the counting to ten thingy never works for me either)

Do you have more than one washroom in your home. Maybe you could forego the shower for one night, and just have a wash instead. Just a thought, not ideal I realise this, but sometimes its best to eliminate temptation.

Would maybe talking about something other than s/i help you, sometimes I know with me if I talk about the urges it makes them all the stronger.

What are you studying at college ?

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Well, I took my shower and got through it well. The only thing I am worried about now is that they will come back. But it is all good right now. I still want to cut but it is not nearly as strong.

The thing that confuses me is that I lasted four months before, but it seems that since then it is even stronger than before. Any clue why?

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Hey WhereIsTheLove :)

I think you should pat yourself on the back and get yourself some kind of reward for how you handled this: coming here, (in effect saying, "please stop me") and then managing to hold off. There may have been some trigger you did not see and you can explore this in therapy to find out why this came up.

But for now, you deserve something nice and a big dollop of compassion for yourself. You done good. :)

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hi Whereisthelove,

How are you feeling today? I hope the urges have subsided and that you are feeling more in control today.

I was talking to friend of mine the other night and she mentionned that animals also have tendencies to exhibit these types of behaviours to SI when they are under stress. So when I was reading your post I was wondering if you were feeling stressed, or if anything was happening or not happening in your life that may be triggering you?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Wherethereislove,

Welcome to our community.

I don't agree with your thinking that there is no use calling your therapist. Even if you leave a voice mail it might just help you. Many patients have told me over the years that hearing my voice over voice mail helps them in those types of difficult moments.

I know that admitting to self cutting is embarassing and there is a reluctance to confide it to friends. Yet, among the things you can do to resist the urge to cut, is to call and talk to friends. They could even meet with you.

Also, there are such distractions as going out for a run, doing meditation, going to the movies, etc.

Can you tell us more about yourself, like when you started self cutting and what gives you the urge, what part of the day, etc.??

Allan

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Hi, Jetliner,

I don't think you babble, but I can't completaly ageree with you.

WhereIsTheLove is in therapy, so he probably already knows "the reasons" of his SI. But he thinks he doesn't have an obvious reason to cut himself now, so it means that it might be no more than an addiction, or an obsessive-compulsive behavior: He is so habituated to self harming that even a small stimulus (that he even doesn't notice!) can trigger it. I'm not an "expert", of course, but I think that the habit of self-harming is so strong that it's comparable to a drug/alcohol addiction (=another type of self-harming).

The reasons are, of course, very important to know and to "discuss about" in therapy, but even understanding of the reasons (as "childhood issues") can't get you rid of the habit/addiction/OCD - the self-harming itself has to be also healed. (And WhereIsTheLove is in progress, he succeeded! He "only" have some "moments" when he fears he'll fail and do it again.)

That's my opinion, I might babble as well... :)

And: I appreciate very much the post from Luna - that WhereIsTheLove should "get himself some kind of reward"! ;)

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Hi everyone,

Jetliner: I actually liked that analogy. Very original and I never thought of that before but I definitely see the parallels!! Thanks. ;)

Aschwartz: I think the voicemail thing that you mentioned is also a good point. To answer your questions, I am 19 years old, female, and in my first year of college. I have been cutting since I was 15, but I used to scratch myself as self-punishment since I was eleven. With cutting, I do it for a lot of reasons -- punishment, relieving tension, anger, frustration... The urges seem to get worse as the day goes on, and I struggle most at night. Urges that I do get are easier to get through during the day. I am not sure why this is because I have roughly the same amount of activities in the day and early evening.

Right now I am doing well, but I am very afraid for when the urge comes back, because usually it is stronger after I resist. That's part of why it is so hard for me to stop. That is one thing I am not sure what to do with...

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Hi there whereisthelove,

I wanted you to know that I self harm too. For yrs > What I know is that SI is a very personal behavior , and that their are many ,many reasons behind it to people who self harm . Meaning it is not the same for everybody. I think you were or may have been triggered by something to want tohurt yourself . Do you know what that was?

Can you talk about some of the things that trigger you to SI? Were you able to stop yourself from SI ?

I have anther question for you , would you like to completely stop self harming ? Because , their are some people that do, but then their are some people who are not ready to fully stop. Either the person has to be fully commited to stop in order to overcome this behavior , or it is going to be nearly impossible to .

I can give you some alternative ways of coping , if you are interested.

Here they are:

call a friend

take a bath

write down your feelings on paper

be around people, because a sie'r is NOT going to hurt herself around others

go for a brisk walk

GEt rid of the itmes you can hurt yourself with .

watch a movie

watch a comedy

read a book

light a candle , and do some meditation

I hope a few of these things helped . You are not alone in your struggles .

mscat

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Oh, I didn't mean to suggest otherwise. I don't know the whole story here so thanks for filling in some of the blanks. Like any habit, something which initially was, "developed" out of a sense of desperation or whatever, a way to cope with a difficult situation, it can become addicting. And then you have two issues to deal with; the initial one that was the cause for the need to find a way to deal and, the method of dealing. Cutting CAN become a form of addiction too, as it releases endorphines and you may come to crave that in the same way one would crave alcohol or drugs or any number of other things. And that's only one aspect of it but, when it's a chemical or hormonal thing, it CAN potentially be more difficult. But not impossible.

And I want to apologize to WhereIsTheLove for responding without having the whole picture.

~ John

Hi John ,

you are definately right that SI canbecome addicting. To produce an endorphine rush , however , the self harm has to be painful enough in order for that to occur >

The addiction comes as a part of a way a person copes . IT becomes easier and easier to do the more the person does it , because it is the only way the person knows how to deal with his /her problems . Plus , it can feel good to self harm to the person who engages in the behavior often enough .

Anxiety, anger , depression , are common reasons. It is instead of taking your feelings out on others or expressing yourself , or emotions. The person takes it out on himself /herself. Their can be a gradual buidup of these emotions , until finally it feels like the person "explodes " onto oneself.

I have severely self harmed several times , and it is not the average way people look at SI . Not in my case . Like I wrote down before SI is very complicated without often easy answers or explainantions .

CAthy

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Jetliner: I really did like what you said, and I understand the endorphins and everything. And you don't have to apologize for posting without knowing the whole story--I didn't tell the whole story! And I appreciate that you responded, like I appreciate everyone else that has continued to read and respond to my posts. Thanks!

mscat: I do want to stop. I actually stopped for four months before, but couldn't handle it anymore. Ever since I tried to stop, I have been having an even more difficult time with it and am not sure why.

I think that day I was triggered by being home for spring break and dealing with family issues. Also, and maybe I should have mentioned this before, but I hear things that are like thoughts but I am not thinking them. I don't know how to describe them but they don't sound like they are coming from outside my head. Anyway, I have one that is very self-destructive who I "saw" (in my head, not actually in front of me or something like that) cut her wrists. I think seeing that triggered me more.

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Last night I really wanted to cut again but I got through it. I had my kitty with me. :)

However, I did purge this morning, and I didn't even binge. Sometimes this happens. If I focus too much on stopping one behavior, the other one resurfaces without warning and I am not prepared for it.

I am sorry you made yourself purge > It is trading one way to try and cope for the other , still very self destructive .

I myself are struggling right now not to self harm . It can be so difficult at times to fight off the urges . Hang in there.

mscat

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