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Ashamed Husband - Pedophile


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I posted the following in the New Member board, because I had to post there first. I thought I should repost here. The link to my original is: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?p=29261#post29261

I am embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, and scared.

I am a pedophile. The words are like venom, and poison in my mouth. My wife has known for years, because I told her. I said: “I am attracted to young girls”. We talked, and she understood. She was okay with it, even going so far as to role-play it in the bedroom (though I don't remember it). She would even point out attractive people, regardless of age.

I know this might be getting into more details then is necessary, but she would even prepare herself (shaving, Brazilian waxing, etc) so that I would like it more, but I think most guys like it bare, regardless of orientation. I even cleaned myself up, because I think it's more attractive to her. Not because I think she might like young boys.

She was alright with it as long as I didn't act on it.

Fast forward a couple of years, we are married, have a house, and we are 1 week ago from today. She finds out that I have gone into chat rooms for kids. She is embarrassed, angry, depressed, but mostly scared. I told her that it's not a big deal, and that I don't need to do it again. She feels that this is me acting on it.

I thought it would make more sense to explain that I pose as a girl myself, and talk to men. They think they are talking to some innocent girl, although most know it's not true. I can play the innocent teen, and they can play the adult. Mostly it's just talking, but sometimes there is cybersex or role-playing.

I didn't think it was a big deal because I didn't talk to kids, just adults. But she said I was sick for that. Sick that I would pose as a girl and help someone else live a fantasy.

We have cried, but in the end she wants me to leave. She said I can't live at home until I get help. I read some stuff, and it seems that everyone says it is incurable. It is a sexual orientation. It's like asking a gay to become straight, to go talk to a therapist and get it fixed. It is around this time that she reminded me that she tried role-playing with me, but I didn't recall, nor do I remember it now.

I found this forum and thought that maybe it is a start. At least until Monday when I can call the psychiatrist I found that specializes in “paraphilia”.

I'm not an emotional person. Except negative emotions. I've hated myself for years, wishing I didn't have this attraction, this disease.

But years ago my wife asked me if cybersex was cheating. She asked because she had started doing it. She even did it with people who have paraphilia to things like balloons. She even made a friend from across the country, and they started emailing. Just normal topics, nothing sexual, but they meet in chat. I think from talking about all the “crazy people” in the chat rooms.

I know a lot of people could try to make me feel worse, but I'm not a child molester, or a rapist. I don't condone sex with children, I'm not a monster. I don't go out of my way to look at kids.

I should also say that I am attracted to adults as well. Even much older women, some that people might call “mature”. But I guess my attraction starts around 12 and goes up. Probably around the 12-16 range. But as I said, I enjoy much older as well.

Other then seeking counseling Monday, I don't really know what to do. Maybe some people in here can help my understand this a little more, but maybe not. Is there a fix? Can a therapist rid me of this? How do I live with my wife now that she is sickened by me?

I'm scared to even post this...

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You have something very great going for you, the fact that you have found a companion, someone to share your life with, sunuggle up at night and share all the other joys of being in a relationship makes you a very lucky person, I am truly envious. Your obviously not taking it for granted as your trying to save what you have, and the more you realise the importance of your realtionship the more you will make sacrifices to keep that even if that means you no longer visit such chat sites.

The fact that you can also be attracted to adults is in fact what will save you I believe, for some of us the attraction is very exclusive and only towards younger people and because of that we suffer a life of isolation leading to depression and resentment, this makes you realise the importance of companionship and the sacrifices we would make if only we could find some hapiness with an adult relationship and it seems you have. No amount of indulging in chat rooms or persuing the idea of younger girls will ever be enough to make you satisfied or make your life feel complete, especially in a world where such desires are unlawful and outcast, which is why you have to find peace with what you have, especially the good things in your life. You have to accept the cards you have been dealt and accept that it might never get any better. This is a part of you, think of it like a disorder or a lifelong illness that needs constant managment, you have to stay vigilant with it because soon as you start giving up or giving in things will go down hill, its not going to be easy but it never is with such a twisted urge.

Let me put it into perspective for you, would you rather be a lonely guy without a companion and be allowed to spend 24-7 in chat rooms roleplaying and fulfilling whatever urges, or would you rather be in a loving real realationship sharing the joys and pains of life with someone right beside you but not be allowed to use such chat rooms ? I'd say you had the better deal already going for you before you entered the chat room and to have an amazing wife who is so willing to accept your attraction and to role-play in the bedroom to meet you half way, wow, are you crazy to jeapordise such an awesome thing you have ? There is no end to persuing hapiness in chat rooms, after a while you will probably feel frustrated with it and want to push it to the next level and all it takes is some entrapment by the law before you find that you find your life is ruined, so your wife has a right to be scared.

Unfortunately we cant have everything in life, especially when it involves a sexuality as unnacepted as ours, so therapy might help in making you come to certain realisations and to prioratise your needs and wants and learn to control urges but in the end its you who has to find contentment with what you have and not what you dont. All the best.

Edited by Endure
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I am thinking that we all are subject to urges at times that we know we can not act upon because the damage we cause, the suffering we create can not be justified by the momentary satisfaction we will achieve - so we decide to not do what we feel the urge to do.

Doesn't the key in all of this seem to be that you are not acting upon the urges? And that in visiting that chatroom you weakend your position in that regard.

You wrote that you were trying to get over the weekend until you see the therapist you have an appointment with. I'm hoping very much that you are still holding up out there and can start working tomorrow on what troubles you so much. Please consider for decisions about your actions in the meantime, that nobody (including yourself) should come to harm or experience suffering by what you decide to do.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Dispair,

Unfortunately, you have moved from fantasy with your wife, who has tried to work with you, to action by going into the chat rooms. What troubles me, more than anything you have written, is not that you pose as a girl to attract men, but that you have gone to those chat rooms. I am repeating myself but let me explain why.

Going to chat rooms is dangerous. It takes you into the area of enactment. It's a step in the wrong direction and is, therefore, alarming, in my opinion. I understand that you do not want to hurt children and that you feel terrible shame but the sexual urges you cope with are taking you a step towards doing things you will hate youself for even more.

Please, please, try to understand that I am not trying to be judgmental but realistic. Sexual urges are powerful and can break through to cause people to do things they would not otherwise do.

That is why you need to get help. You need intensive psychotherapy for sexual addiction and for pedophia even though you have not acted on it, yet.

I applaud you for your honesty with yourself and with us. This is a serious issue for you.

By the way, you need to be aware that there are a multiple of dangers in the chat rooms. Among them are the following: 1. There can be violent and sick people there looking to find people with your problems so they can attack and harm you. 2. There are undercover cops attempting to lure predators so that they can be captured. Even though I believe this is a form of entrapment, it is real, it is there and you could get caught up and arrested.

Get yourself real and deep help so that you and your wife can live comfortably. In other words, you need intensive help and more than once per week therapy.

What do you and others think? I hope I do not come across harsh or judgmental.


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I agree with Allan, that was well said. Sometimes the truth may hurt and it may seem harsh or judgmental but in fact its not, people are here to try and help you, the advice given is very realistic and its important to face the facts and take precautions before you get yourself into further trouble with your relationship, with the law and with your own life.

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