I need a reason to live...

[Endure]

All the pain and suffering I deal with everyday has stripped away my will to live, I am scared for my safety because I am no longer scared to die and as a result I'm finding myself doing wreckless things with my pain medication and using opiates as a form of self harm by overdosing and making myself sick. I need to find a reason to live before its too late, not for me but for my family who will be left grieving.

People contemplate suicide when they feel like all hope is gone, and often there is the potential for things to get better and time to heal wounds but sometimes there is no cure other than death to end the constant pain, I feel this is the case with me, my life is one twisted tragic story full of bad luck without a cure...

The cruel thing is that not only am I a pedophile, but I am a pedophile who is also stuck with a permanent physical disability that requires supervision and care from my parents who take care of me. I have spent my whole life feeling outcast and lonely, I feel robbed of both physical and emotional privileges, I can never be allowed to experience the type of love people in relationships do.

Furthermore I suffer from a heart condition, multiple sclerosis and chronic pain everyday and a whole list of other symptoms and on top of all this I feel a constant sense of isolation and a deep painful yearning for love or companionship which I know can never be fulfilled in the way I would like it to. I am attracted exclusively and only to young boys and this creates all sorts of resentment and hatred at myself and at life. I feel like I dont belong here and I feel the burden I was given in life is more then one person should carry.

The thought of being stuck in a world where my feelings and attractions are so misunderstood and so unnacaptable hurts me in a way that I can not explain. Its almost surreal like I am trapped in an alternative reality where feeling love is a crime and I am labled a criminal without even leaving my home and where I am forced to supress any signs of love and my real human emotions out of fear. It defys logic and all justice, fairness and human rights that this world claims to have, which is why it feels all so surreal to me.

I remeber as a child I used to want to live forever but now I can't wait to die, I am so miserable every day, every minute is a torture. Due to my bad luck I also suffer from many allergic reactions to various drugs including opiates so when I take my opiate pain medication I experience severe adverse reactions everyday, I have now began to exploit the allergic reactions by taking higher doses which make me very sick, I have become hooked on experiencing severe allergic reactions as a form of punishment, but often I end up in the emergency room before I am able to die.

I feel like my parents are holding me back from taking my life, I am angry at them for this, because of them I have to keep suffering here and they dont even know how much pain I am in. It feels like I have taken a back seat passanger role to my life and I am just watching my self spiral out of control, I no longer eat or sleep properly, and I havent left my room or the house in many months because I feel like I dont deserve it and I just dont care about what happens to me anymore but I was making an effort to hang in there for the sake of my family but that effort is fading fast.

[Symora]

That's a tough place to be, I've been there, although for other reasons. I took have had physical stuggles to overcome and have felt terribly isolated and unloved. My sexual preferences are in 'normal', but I still know loneliness, deep loneliness.

I too have been struggling to find a reason to live lately. I've lost many of the important people in my life in the last 2-3 years, my kids are grown up and doing their own thing, I have been depressed a good part of my life, and sometimes I just don't get why I'm here either.... But we are alive, and ending it is not a option for me since I cannot impose such a terrible thing on the people I love, so I do the best I can to try to uplift myself, for the sake of those around me and in the hopes that things will improve...

I hope you feel better soon. Is there something you enjoy doing that could make you better?

[Endure]

Hi, thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your experience. All I can do is try to keep myself busy with hobbies and kill time as best I can everyday in the dungeon I call my room, but after a while the reality of missing out on life hits you pretty hard.

Ocassionally with some supervision I used to go outside, but after a while I realised it was doing me more harm because everytime I saw a beautiful face walk past I would feel like I wanted to die literally and then I would try to rush back home and take a large amount of opiates and lay there feeling ill and just wishing to die, instinctively I became more homebound to avoid those feelings of pain.

I just can't come to terms with being a pedophile, even if I lived a thousand years it still wouldnt be any easier knowing that I am stuck in a world where I am not allowed feel love or even look at a boy in an admiring way or be allowed to feel the emotions I do is truly painful and heart breaking.

I am as much human as an avarage heterosexual male, the love I feel in my heart and the feelings of loneliness and the need for companionship is as strong and identical as any felt by an avarage human, yet the restrictions imposed upon me whilst the freedom and ecouragement shown towards a heterosexual person is worlds apart. Whilst an avarage hetreosexual male is allowed the ultimate indulgence by being encouraged to look at females, target one he likes, persue her, befriend her, flirt with her, feel love, show signs of physical affection, express his love, have sex with her, marry her and still be allowed to look and admire other females...... I am given the ultimate reversal of that process by being restricted from any such display, of course I don't want to ever have any sexual contact with a minor because that is just plain wrong but why I am I not even allowed to use my eyes or my heart by seeng, admiring or feeling love from afar? Where is the humanity and fairness in that ? Why am I expected to be some emotineless robot whilst other exploit and flaunt their sexuality.

It disgusts me to think that a police officer who has sex everyday with his wife or girlfriend and then flirts with other females or goes to strip bars with his friends to relax and indulges in love, sex, lust wouldnt hesitate to ruin my life for simply looking at a boy or confessing that I felt attracted to boys, even if I never had any physical contact with a boy just my eyes would be enough to be condemned in such a way by others, such hypocricy, such double standards, such discrmintaion, and this is why I hate this world so much, I hate being stuck in it with such ignorant, selfish, evil, illogical and sensless creatures who fulfill every single one of their own greedy desires whilst trying to strip me of even my most basic human rights. What else is one to do when the absurd nightmare their stuck in is in fact the real world ?

[Symora]

I can hear your pain Endure and I'm sorry that your trapped in a situation that seems out of your control.... I can understand it because I am judged and rejected by my husband's family and clan because I am white, non-Muslim and can't have children. I have no control over that either and I too am now isolated because I took myself out of that situation.

I think it's a mistake to see our worth through other people's eyes, and I think there is a danger in focusing too hard on those things so that it becomes all encompassing. Life is filled with lots of stuff, experiences, activities, and giving too much power to sexuality for example can become quite negative and self-destructive.... Are there activities and interactions that you enjoy that are no focused on the face that you are a pedophile???? Surely there is more to life than focusing on what others think of us....

[Endure]

All my activities to keep busy are just various forms of entertainment such as music, games, movies and other hobbies but in the end its all just one big excuse for distraction from life and the real problems. Sure some are content with such leisure but for me it all feels like fake diversion to avoid life, it worked for a few years but now Im frustrated with it all.

I would agree with you that often we should live our lives for ourselves without concerning what others think of us but in this instance what others think has the potential to be life changing, because when your a pedophile a suspected glance of admiration towards a boy or rumours or people in your neighbourhood hearing about your sexuality can have life changing effects, even if you never acted on your feelings just people knowing could cause problems and involve action from law enforcement so as much as I could try and not care its not that easy and thats exactly the type of messed up standards that apply to my situation and has me living in fear.

[malign]

Well, if art and entertainment are just diversions from life, what's "life", in your opinion? What would you be doing to give your life meaning, if you could? And how is that impossible in your current situation?

It seems to me as if you remain so focused on the feelings of being treated unjustly that you never relax enough to live ...

[Luna-]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, Endure

Regarding what malign said about Art:

For me, art IS life. All the rest is peripheral. (Please don't be offended, anyone, by me saying you're peripheral! You're not THAT peripheral!) But going out to work, earning money, buying food, eating, doing dishes - all of it exists to sustain me, so I make art. Work is a necessary evil so I can support myself, so I can make art.

With a chronic illness as I have, I never quite seem to get out of the woods. Just as I think I'm starting to get a grip, my feet are knocked out from under me again. I've struggled to maintain any kind of career and do a bit of this and a bit of that. My heart isn't in any of it, really.

But I've developed a focus, a passion, something that I can do throughout the cycles (except in the deepest depressions when I can't do a thing) and that passion is to express what I am experiencing. Often I am expressing anguish! I don't know if anyone will ever buy any of my anguished art but since I have a day job (well, not right now, but usually) I can make what I like, without pressure to sell. It is the making of art that is my life. If I could, I would spend every day, all day doing this, but there are all these silly interruptions: eating, sleeping, bathing, errands and when I have a job, working and a bunch of other things! Annoying!

I don't mean to trivialise your experience at all, or make light of it, but speaking for myself: frankly, when you've been on as many anti-depressants as I have, for as long as I have, your libido dies a very quiet and inconspicuous death. Mine has dwindled and dwindled over the years, aided by my being single the last 9 years and depressed much of the time. It surfaces briefly when I'm manic. And I mean briefly. From time to time I get sad about that, but most of the time, I don't think about it at all (since, erhh, it doesn't exist. )

With no libido or sexuality to speak of (just get onto an SSRI or what I'm on: Efexor, and you, too, can become asexual!) my driving passion, and my life, is art. And it's very, very fulfilling...

Is there some way you could express how you feel and throw your energies into that?

[Endure]

Good question guys, but for me art and entertainment would have more of a meaning when you choose to do them alongside life, not when you use it as total replacement or substitute to life to fill in the gaps. For me it life would also have much more of a meaning if I had someone to share it all with.

For me life is about having soul mate to make you feel alive, someone to share the joys and pain, occasionally engaging in art and activities, spending quiet time together either at home or outside in new different settings, or just talking, then time alone would be much more appreciated, if I had my health too I would then have goals, I would be able to work a boring job and come home to someone to chill with and on the weekend someone to go for walks and a weekend away somewhere new, life is about variety and perusing things your passionate about and putting up with things you don't like in between, life is about joy and pain but at the at the moment its all been about the pain and it is all so monotone and repetitive, the entertainment I do is all forced to fill in time and to forget about the loneliness and the health problems and sometimes I find myself doing the same activity for up to 15 hours a day which is why those activities have lost its appeal. Also entertainment and art would take on a new meaning if I had someone special to share, discuss, evaluate with, I would much prefer to sit with someone I love and play xbox with them for 15 hours then have sexual contact.

Luna I understand the libido and personally only a small proportion of my attraction is sexual, the majority is more a longing for a soul mate, romantic time together talking or just hanging out so I need to ask you does the meds also suppress the feeling for some company or non-sensual or non-physical time together?

[Luna-]

No, the meds don't suppress that. My depression does that, it suppresses - well - everything. So meds are, for me, the lesser evil. I'll never get it all, it'll always be a trade-off. But as your desperation level rises, you accept greater and greater trade-offs.

May I ask what medical problems/disabilities you have?

Life and happiness are all about perception and attitude, aren't they? You're probably not going to like what I'm going to say, but it seems to me that you've set a whole lot of conditions which you've decided you must have, before you can be happy. That's a very tall order. If this is your decision, and you don't get those conditions met, then the prognosis isn't looking good... It may help to set fewer conditions?

... For me life is about having soul mate to make you feel alive ...

Eeks. You're not alive without someone else making you feel alive?

Now that I'm alone, I've learnt a secret to living without a soul mate. Friends. They go a very, very long way towards making me feel connected, not lonely, not alone. Being a friend to someone really takes you out of yourself.

The other thing I wanted to say is that it seems you find your days very long. Are you able to get out at all? I was going to suggest doing some low-key volunteer work, helping out somewhere. It gives you a break from your own head (which if it's anything like mine, is a good thing to escape from for a bit! - those thoughts go round and round and round...) How does that sound to you?

[Symora]

Hi Endure,

Although I think what you seem to be longing for is typical of what most of us want, someone to share life with, but I'm confused about this need that you express and the fact you are pulled by feelings of pedophelia. That is confusing to me??? Do you want an adult partner to share you life with, spend time with, travel with? If that is the case why are you not going to find that? I guess I'm confused about the needs you express.

[Endure]

May I ask what medical problems/disabilities you have?

it seems to me that you've set a whole lot of conditions which you've decided you must have, before you can be happy. That's a very tall order.

Are you able to get out at all? I was going to suggest doing some low-key volunteer work, helping out somewhere.

I have a heart condition causing Fibrillation and Arrythmias as well as leaking of blood into wrong valves, Multiple Sclerosis which effects many functions, chronic pain due some problems through out my body along with a few more other conditions I dont feel comfortable specifying because as ridicilious as it sounds I can't help feel that being more specific about it all could result in law enforcement to identify me because of my attraction which makes me forced to live in fear which is what I'm so mad about in the first place.

Your right I probably do have a tall order and I do feel like I can't be happy unless I have that order met but I also believe we are all different when it comes to coping with loneliness, some of us can be quite content by ourselves living up in cabin in the wood with nature whilst others cant spend a minute away from the person they love. You seem quite content with friends that are able to fill in any void and I agree if I had friends it would take the edge of it a bit but by nature I am a hopeless romantic and the hole I can sense in my heart feels like it can only be filled by true love, but I know I'm being unrealistic.

Volunteer work sounds great and I'm sure it would help and I apreciate your advice but I can't get out without supervision and even then the elements get the better of me very quickly before I feel the need to lay down, my health problems are a bit complicated but its very restrictive.

[Endure]

Hi Endure,

Although I think what you seem to be longing for is typical of what most of us want, someone to share life with, but I'm confused about this need that you express and the fact you are pulled by feelings of pedophelia. That is confusing to me??? Do you want an adult partner to share you life with, spend time with, travel with? If that is the case why are you not going to find that? I guess I'm confused about the needs you express.

Correct me if I'm wrong but whats confusing you I believe is that your hearing the word pedophile and at the same time your hearing some real human needs "that is is typical of what most" humans want, some how you find the two idea conflicting and for this I blame the media and all the propaganda created about pedophiles.

First and foremost I am human which means I have real human feelings, I share the exact same sense of empathy, loneliness and the need for companionship as any other human despite being a pedophile however I am exclusively attracted to teenage boys and not adults but when I get that feeling of loneliness I don't put a face to it because loneliness and longing for companionship is an emotion and a sensation without a face, its what I feel deep inside but if I went in pursue of fulfilling that sensation its only then I realize that I am a pedophile, so basically its a misguided sensation its like taking an average heterosexual romantic male who loves long walks on the beach and sunsets and making romantic dinners for his girlfriend and then waving a magic wand to replace the girlfriend with a younger person whilst allowing the male heterosexual to maintain the exact same feelings of romantic love, well the outcome would be confusing and that's how it is with me, I share the same feelings but its misguided.

I want the same things most heterosexual and homosexual people want, a soul mate and a companion to love and be with but I know i can never have because mine happens to be inappropriate so basically I'm living a paradox where what I feel and what is acceptable and realistic are two separate things.

[Luna-]

Ya, I hear you - that's a tough situation; I hadn't realised the extent of your health problems. I will write more, but I just woke up - it's around 3am, not sleeping well, what else is new - and I'm not thinking straight yet.

[Luna-]

I guess I still don't agree that the hole in your heart can only be filled with true love. I thought so too, but after two divorces and several failed relationships (I guess I wasn't easy to live with either, with my mood swings), I realised that no-one else can fill the hole in your heart. Sounds trite, I know, but the freedom that you get from filling the hole yourself, lets you explore other parts of you and find another role you can play in the greater scheme of things.

[Endure]

Thank you for your advice, I guess you are speaking from experience since you have trialled several relationships and all, and I agree being by yourself has a lot of advantages too, especially the freedom of doing what you want whenever you want without having to compromise anything or trying to please anyone else, I sometimes enjoy that because I'm an indecisive person and often I just make plans as fast as I cancel them depending on my mood and I don't really have to answer to anyone for it.

[Endure]

I'm having another horrible day, the feeling to harm myself or end it all is stronger then usual, it all started after I saw a beautiful boy walk past me earlier today and now it feels like my insides are bleeding, I know I am over reacting but it can't help it, he was just so amazingly perfect and flawless it made my heart race and took away my breath, for a few minutes I felt alive and imagined how great it must feel for those who are lucky enough to be in love, and now I just don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to live this way and it so painful and torturous, Ive just come home and taken a large dose of my painkillers and I'm already feeling very ill from the effects, I just want it to kill me but at the same time I don't want it to hurt my family.

I really need some urgent help from a therapist but I cant gather the courage to talk to one about this shameful and embarrassing problem, I am scared he might jump to conclusion and assume the worst about me, I am scared if the therapist starts asking me questions whether I have ever had sexual contact with a minor I will end up snapping at him, because for someone to assume such horrible things just because of my sexuality would be devastating for me and very frustrating for me, even worse what if he didn't believe me or reported me to law enforcement or to my referring doctor about my sexuality as the only way to consult a therapist here is through referral from a family doctor and if he said anything to my doctor about I am afraid it would jeopardize my relations, the whole thing is so dam risky, what a horrible dilemma to be stuck in.

Last time I wanted to see a therapist I had to make up some story to my family doctor and after 5 consultations with the therapist I still couldn't bring myself to say what the problem was, all I could tell him was that there was something bothering me but it was too difficult and embarrassing to talk about. Even with that vague information the therapist still reported back to my doctor telling him I was a confused person with trust issues and deeper problems. I don't even know if therapy could have helped but I'm so desperate for some relief from this suffering that I am willing to try anything, I cant take it anymore, what a horrible life to have, out of all things to be stuck with such a disgusting, twisted, shameful and misunderstood thing as pedophilia. I just wish I could dissapear.

[malign]

Endure,

I've been to the point of deciding to die, and I've made the decision not to.

But I can't give you a reason to live; no one gave me one.

It had to come from inside.

I can give you lots of reasons to postpone the decision, though. One of the biggest is that you can't rule out the possibility of things getting better.

Let's look at your worries about talking to a therapist.

They might ask you an embarrassing question, or one that makes you angry.

So, it's better to die? Somehow I think that no matter how difficult it might be for you to approach someone about this, it's something you would survive.

The best argument to postpone suicide is that there's always time to kill yourself later.

[IrmaJean]

Trust takes time to build, Endure. I don't think I started truly revealing in therapy until 10-12 sessions in. I am surprised that the therapist said you had "trust issues" after so few sessions. I imagine it's very difficult when you are suffering and need urgent care but don't feel ready to reveal all of this to a therapist yet. Maybe try and get yourself to one anyway. Try expressing to him/her that you are in pain and need support and acceptance. The idea is to have a safe place to express your emotions, a place where you won't feel inhibited in talking about your difficulties and challenges. You also expressed concern about potentially becoming angry. You would also want to freely release any emotions that you may be feeling during the sessions. If any particular questions arouse an angry response, there is meaning behind this response that is informative and may be beneficial to take a deeper look at. At any rate, maybe having someone to talk to would be helpful until you reach a point where you are ready to open up further about your life. I'm sorry you're hurting, Endure. Maybe try giving therapy a chance.

[Endure]

Thank you Malign and IrmaJean, you guys are right and I think I was in a pretty bad frame of mind when I posted this, I think I've made it this far in life by infact postponing suicide and giving life a chance and hoping it will all get better but unfortunately there comes a time when you realise the longer you live the more pain you feel, the only difference between me ending it 10 years ago and me ending it now is that I got to feel 10 more years of hurt, regret and suffering and it feels like the longer I wait the more Im exposing myself to more pain to come, its unfortunate that my perspective of life is so grim but I know life can be amazing too but just not mine.

I hate how negative I've become, I'm suprised you guys are even making an effort to try and help me, I apreciate it, but sadly I can't even help myself, Im just stuck in a loop and all I can see are the things I dont have and Im so lost in all the pain that I cant even apreciate the good things in my life, I feel like there is no hope for me.

[malign]

Well, the first step is postponing suicide (it's good to see you made it!)

The next is to stop waiting for things to get better.

Sometimes it happens, but it takes a long time, without help.

What can you do, today, to make your existence less of "suffering through", and more of "enjoying"? Not all of life is focusing on what you can or can't fall in love with.

[Luna-]

Here I am again. Have you thought of starting off saying something like "I want to tell you something, but first of all, I need you to know that I have never acted on this." Then look at them and see them nod or acknowledge this and that they have got this point.

Then talk about it. Then they won't be wondering or jumping to conclusions. What do you think?

[Endure]

I just got back from the hospital....earlier today I over did it on the opiates and as much as I thought I was ready to die I went and seeked medical attention when I felt like I was dying and could no longer breathe, I feel like such a coward and even more frustrated with myself, my mum was furious at me, even when I was at the point where I couldnt walk and I was asking her to call me an ambulance or take me to the hospital she was still yelling at me about being so wreckless and stupid. Now I feel worse about myself, my parents are upset, and I feel confused because I thought I wanted this but I freaked out.

Thank you guys again for your help, I am going to try and see a therapist and Luna, that seems like a good way to start the conversation but there is so much Im hesitant about and what if he thinks that my attraction isnt a sexuality but just some disorder that occured in childhood (which I know it didnt) and he thinks he can fix it and tries digging for some starting point when there isnt one. I just dont want to be handled in a wrong way, or be categorised and I am afraid of being misunderstood and told there are cures for things there arent.

[IrmaJean]

I am glad to hear that you sought out medical attention, Endure, and that you are still here with us. It seems that you have a will to find your way through and this is a positive thing. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

If you aren't comfortable with any one therapist, you can keep looking until you find the right match. I really believe this is essential for a successful therapy.

Good luck, Endure.

[Signe]

Endure... I know you from another forum. I've been worried like crazy because you were so suicidal and then you haven't posted for so long. I really hope you're doing OK. I'm just trying to get in contact with you the best I can right now, just want to make sure you're still around and didn't hurt yourself. You can get better.

Peace and Love,

Signe