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It is so hard not to SI right now.....


mscat
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I want burn myself as soon my son leaves for school tommorow am. I have everything ready , and I can't think of reasons to wait any longer . I tried to delay this for weeks , now I can't get a grip of this desire anymore.

I need to feel the pain to know I am alive .... oh well , it is not like I have not done this before a zillion times anyway .

AS long as it is not too bad It will be ok .... God I hate the fight all the time not to SI , might as well do a "good job" of it and get it over with , :o

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Can you tell someone IRL that you are having this urge? I know in this moment you may find it impossible to find reasons to stay safe for yourself, so maybe telling someone about your plans would be a good idea. What are you feeling right now? You are a worthwhile person Cathy. It matters that you are hurting. Please tell someone.

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Remember that thread, 101 or more ways to prevent SI?

Take the dog out for a walk ... If you don't have a dog, borrow one :)

Pick Roses

Turn on Music

Visit Someone Elderly

Read a book to a bunch of preschoolers

Go to the Library

Go on the Computor... Wait.. I always do that, LOL

Shoot photography

Use your video camera or mini cam.

Take a nap

Read

Exercise

Lift weights

Do yoga tai chi or Pilates

Stretch your muscles

Go for a long walk in a park or someplace else that’s peaceful

Go outside and watch the clouds

Go for a jog

Ride your bike

Go for a swim

Go play something that you can do by yourself while no one else is around, like basketball or hitting a tennis ball against a wall

Get outside of the house, even if you just sit outside

Get a massage

Visit your favorite websites

Watch a funny movie

Watch television

Listen to music

Create your own online blog

Go shopping

Go to a library

Go to the bookstore and read

Visit a museum or art gallery

Sing or learn how to sing

Write a song

Play a musical instrument or learn how to play one

Take photographs

Join a club

Make a list of ten things that you are good at

Make a list of people you admire and want to be like

Write a letter to someone who has made your life better and tell them why

Write in your journal about what has happened to you today

Write a loving letter to yourself when you’re feeling good and keep it with

you to read when you’re feeling upset

Write a letter to a friend or family member

Take a bubble bath or shower

Plant a garden

Work outside

Paint your nails

Sign up for a class that excites you

Draw a picture

Go for a drive in your car

Plan a trip to a place you have never been before

Sleep or take a nap

Cook your favorite dish

Go outside and play with your pet

Talk with a friend on the phone

Visit a friend

Go for a run

Do jumping jacks until to tired to do one more

Paint a painting full of colours to express yourself

If my kids are not with me, I go for a drive.

Dig a hole. :o

Take a hot bath or shower- there you can cry and nobody will know!

1. Call A Friend or hotline

2. Write in your journal

3. Use an ice cube where you might want to do it instead

4. Respond to someone else's post on this forum

5. Hug someone. Hug a teddy bear even.

6. Go out and talk to another human and just shoot the breeze.

7. Go outside and collect things that have scents: pine needles, pine cones, flowers, grass...

8. Meditate. Take deep breaths

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Hi Cathy, I sure hope you have the strength to do something else other then SI. Everyone has made some great suggestions and I hope you can find it in you to do some of them.

But I do know it is hard when thats all that is on your mind... Thats why just doing something totally different can help.

Do you know why the feelings are so strong? Sorry I have been away from the forum since the weekend, we had no power till yesterday.... So I might be a little behind here...

I'm thinking about you, Cathy and you have helped me when I was really not feeling well. I hope I can do the same for you..:o Keep typing to us... :)

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Guest ASchwartz

Cathy,

Given the strong urges you feel to self injure and your past history of being very seriously injured, I find myself thinking that a psychiatric hospitalization might be the best thing for you at this time. That would help you be safe and perhaps the psychiatrists can find the right combination of medications to help you. Also, it would give them time to find the right referral for you for after care psychotherapy.

What do you think?

Allan:(

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Thank you all for the kind replies. It was already 10:30pm when I wrote that , and just got back from my brothers home . I had a drink and we were listening to music , just having fun .

WHen I got home, the urge s were so strong and "alive" Well , my son and I slept in .. He missed his schoolbus this morning , and is still alsleep . I do not hurt myself when he is home , ever . but their is always that trigger or urge . that can lead me back into that direction .

I am guilty of keeping my child home when things gets bad . I was not going to severely SI , just enough to take the edge off.

I did not even talk to the therapist this am. We were both exhausted.

I rather not go to a hospital , moreso because of my son . And I am scared to go again, because I have been , and at one time did not get out for 2 yrs . :(

I still have burns that are not even healed al the way , and I want to SI . WHat the hell ? I sometimes truely can't stand myself.

I come on this fourm because I like to help others , but feel like a hypocrite for not being able to help myself.

I am on a lot of meds already , my Pdoc changes them around all the time , adding more or increasing the mgs . Meds help , I just wish I had more self control to stop this self harming behavior , and actually enjoy being around othres .

Thank u again for all of your wonderful feedback .

Cathy

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Hi Cathy

I'm so sorry you are still not feeling good and the urges are still there. Besides keeping your son home is there ANYTHING that helps you? Are you able to contact someone locally that can help you with an outpatient program like and IOP(Intensive Outpatient Program) or a PHP(Partial Hospital Program) they meet daily or 3 times a week and it is group therapy and counseling. It seems you know you don't want to go to the hospital so this I think might be a good trade off.

I know you don't like going out but this is a program run by professionals with others who have similar needs. Is there anyone you can call for the programs?

:)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Cathy,

You are not a hypocrite. It is always easier to help others than to help ourselves. Trust me, I know.

In addition to your many medications, do you have a psychotherapist? Sorry, but I don't remember.

Have you read any of the books by Levenkron? He was one of the foremost experts on self injury and his books are good reading. He is or was a therapist. He may be fairly old by now.

Allan:)

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To be honset , not really . But just not being alone helps me stay connected .

Unfortunately we are living in a small , i mean tiny town. Our county budget has baan slashed big time for mental health services . That would be great if their were a program like that around here .

Allen I will lok up the neame of thie author next time my son and I go to the librbary , thank you .

I kept him home again .... it is terrible I know , I know he ought to be in school . Ifeel guilty keeping him home, but my son loves it.

Still not healed from las t time , majory self harm incident . I really think I do need more help. that thing is going to kill me the way I hurt myself so severely .

I was only going to do it to the 2nd degree , and a good , big spot .... but have not . So that is a good thing .

it is a feeling of a matter of time though.

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  • 1 month later...

Wow, that sounds really, really difficult. My heart goes out to you. Here are some things that I've found helpful when I feel bad:

Meditation, yoga, strenuous exercise, dancing to my favourite music, lying on the floor and laughing (this can, believe it or not, be really great - you just laugh, for no reason, and if you do it long enough you can't stop).

hugs,

david

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Mscat,

I can fully understand having a drink at your brother's house. I just want to urge you to understand that even one drink could make you feel worse. It sounds like that is what happened.

There are no health care or psychotherapy centers in communities near where you live? My wish is that you could have intensive psychotherapy to help you with this. We care about you a lot and do not want you to hurt yourself.

Allan:(

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Allen ,

I do see a psychatrist and therapsit. I have not been able to see the therapsit for over 3weeks however, no transportation. They have been sending someone out to talk to me , just to see how I am doing , so I apreciate that the counseling center is mindful.

I live in a rual town. The bigger town is 45min away . That's where we do our grocery shopping.

Been bad about taking all my meds , which does not help matters. I got to do better . The urges to self harm come and go , sometimes are very strong . I do not have very many places to SI , the self harming I go is very serious . I got to get the thoughts out of my mind , then it is better .

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Guest ASchwartz

Cathy,

Do you have any friends in town? People you could talk to, go out with, socialize with, when your son is at school? Or, are there outside activities you could do when your son is at school?

Allan

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Truthfully ,

I am not a chit chatty person . Once in a great moon all talk to someone. A real person besides online. I have some major trust issues , so I am not really a social person , I changed , because I use to like others. but find that internet friends are safer.

I do have a routine each day , or morning which helps. I do not work and on SSDI. found to be disabled a couple yrs ago , due to the mental health conditions.

So when my son is not home , it is me and the dogs.

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