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I need some help!!


IWannaWakeUp
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This is probably going to be long, and I apologize.

I don't really know what I expect to get out of posting this. Venting if nothing else.

Okay, so I've been having intrusive thoughts for about 6 months now. They started out about inappropriate sexual assault and the first thought I had resulted in the most INTENSE anxiety attack I have ever had. And I've been going to therapy a few times but I'm impatient and feel as if I might go crazy. So now the old intrusive thoughts are fading away, slowly, but now I'm having very violent thoughts about people I love so dearly!!!!!! And this is even worse. These are the people I love more than anything. And I woke up this morning (and it's always worse in the morning) and I kept having the thoughts. and I didn't necessarily like them but I had them. and then I wonder if maybe I really wanna do these things and so what if i did and blah blah blah.. I've been questioning myself and my morals a lot lately because of all of this too.. and that's terrible on top of it. because I've always been a loving person and wanted the best for everyone. and then I wasn't that bothered by them, but then I got up to get on with the day, and I was like OMG what is wrong with me!?!?! Why would I think those things I love my fiance soooooo much. I feel so awful. like I don't know what to do I love him I do. and it's terrible. I'm crying right now because of it. I hate myself because of this. I just feel guilty and awful. and I want my normal life back. I had just graduated college when all this happened and they say that may be what has triggered this. and depression and anxiety problems run in my family. but I don't know anyone who goes through this. I love my fiance and this terrible I'm so scared. cause sometimes I feel like maybe I could do these things. and I don't want to want to do them and I don't want to I just don't !!!!! Please help me, I'm sooo confused and scared. and lonely. :[ I don't understand this and why it's happening.

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Hi Iwannawakeup, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I guess I'm not too clear about whether you suffered sexual assault which led to intrusive thought, or if the thoughts are about sexual assault and violence. I'm just wondering if you have perhaps lived something that triggered you, or if it started suddenly, on it's own. You sound like you have a healthy conscience so I would not be too worried about acting them out... are you seeing someone with whom you can discuss this?

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