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Im freaking out help :(


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Idk what the f is wrong with me. I was an idiot and blew 40mg of OC along with my daily dose of zoloft & buspar. Im gonna just come out and say it. I smoke weed every single day.. every morning before work and every day after im off. Ill blow OC maybe once every 2 wks and everytime i do it i throw a damned conniption fit. I just put 2 and 2 together. I never realized the oc was doin it to me. I gotta stop doin this stuff and NOW. my therapist told me on wed. that if I really want to get going on the right track that Im gonna have to stop smoking weed if I want to get the best out of treatment for my social anxiety. I have it intensely, along with a seriously short temper... Especially on this stupid drug.

Basically, this evening I was trying to have a serious conversation with my fiancé about something that really should have been discussed when Im not under the influence... I really shouldnt even be writing this since I blew it like an hr and a half ago but this is the only thing thats calming me down at all. I already made my fiance leave just so that I can cool off which is absolutely ridiculous. Every response that he was giving me over the duration of our discussion made me completely agitated, nothing that he said was good enough and I absolutely cant hold in my anger. Under normal circumstances Im sure that things would have gone down completely different. =( I kept yelling and screaming and jumping up off my bed and getting in his face while he was trying to stay completely calm. I yelled at him at the top of my lungs to 'get out!'... I bet everyone in my apartment complex either thinks I'm a complete lunatic or that my poor fiancé is beating me UGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! So he left... and he still isnt back and its been at least 45 minutes now :(. I shut myself in my closet before he left. I always do that when I freak out. I used to frequently bring razor blades with me but I'll leave that to the SI forum =/. I've slowed down on that junk but I guess not completely. Idk why i always run into my stupid closet. Ive done that at every place ive lived. at least now I have a walk in closet. jeez. Im such a child. What the f*ck is wrong with me?!?!? The only thing that made me come out was remembering that i joined this site the other day. and that people actually respond. I hope someone will respond. I need somebody.I just need someone to tell me its ok. That im not f*ckin crazy. I cant take this.:eek:

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Good morning taybkc88,

This feeling out of control can be one of the most nerve wracking, difficult and dis-empowering experiences one can have. I used to have rage reactions in which I would break and throw things, hit myself and at times ram my head up against a wall until I was unconscious. This has been >25 years ago, when my PTSD symptoms were so complex and severe that successful treatment seemed impossible to imagine.

As I read you post, Tay, one thing really stood out, that fact that you have a history of SI... this alone speaks to deeper issues than simple rage and impulse control, it speaks to deep seated problems that simply may not disappear on their own thru time. I know this was not what you wanted to hear (I just need someone to tell me its ok. That im not f*ckin crazy), and I'm certainly not suggesting you're crazy or have a severe mental illness; however, what I do recommend is that you see someone professionally to rule out the possibility that there may be more to this than simple anger issues.

Please understand that I rarely suggest seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist (for this rule out, these will be the only 2 who can do a thorough job of evaluating you-- later on you can choose to see a counselor), I think we are an over-therapized nation of people who've lost their ability to problem solve and become self reliant, handing this aspect of ourselves over to someone else (yes, I realize I'm one of those clinicians who is saying don't see a clinician). My suggestion comes from a place of compassion and understanding, and from 30 years of experience in the field.

If you value your relationship, and place a premium on maintaining it, you should do this now as opposed to later, it may just help save your life.

Good luck and I hope this helps,

David

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Thanks for the advice. Yesterday & today have been much better. I've been trying to relax all weekend. The therapist that I saw last week suggested that I get involved with a psychiatrist b/c my regular physician isn't quite understanding the depth of what's going on here. The therapist mentioned that the meds I'm on may not be the best and a psychiatrist will have some better options. I kind of want to continue treatment w/ the therapist and see how things improve before I got messing with my medications though. We'll see how things go! Ive only seen the therapist once and I'm going back the beginning of april so Im looking forward to making some kind of progress. Again, thanks for the words of advice. Its good to know im not alone.

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  • 5 months later...

i think u just described in all possible words how i felt when i got upset unfortunatly i have little words of advice expect i know wat its like and eventually its slows down mine had nothing to do with drugs imagen that im just that crazy on my own! i know its a scary thing but eventually u sleep, come down, cry it out, or pass out either way it always ends just think of that it will eventually end on its own u dont have to think of suicide the crock of $h!t people tell u that "this too shall pass" unfortunatly they r right u always come down off the bad highs just like u do off the good ones use that feeling to help u quite just like u use it to keep going to keep looking for the next high eventually i looked to re direct my addictive personality into getting better having less blow ups less freak outs less time in the "closest"

ps my place was the bathroom

i used to always run for the bathroom floor of every single place ive lived too idk y but it was comforting i still hide in the bathrrom to cry i do less flipping out and more crying now a days but its alot healthier then the drugs the cutting the physical and mental abuse we cause around us dont be ashamed of ur closest just use it in a lil different way <3

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