Emotional/Physical Abuse by Mother

[WhereIsTheLove]

I am really upset right now. And right now it isn't even with me. I actually feel anger at my mother. I actually think this is a good thing, because usually in these situations I would cut myself or purge, but I haven't done that yet.

It is just really hard right now because I am very upset with my mother. She says horrible things, which she says she does without thinking. However, I still think she has some control over it. She says obviously mean things and then tells us we are misunderstanding her. She spent the past two days upset that we were sad because she said something stupid. It hurts and I am afraid of her so I hid in the basement. I know that sounds dumb but she scares me.

Wow. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't like my own mother. I am supposed to love her and I can't. She hurts and I can't do it. I want to cry but I can't. For the first time, I actually want to hurt her. Not something I would carry out, and nothing specific, but I want her to feel the pain that she caused and still causes me. How could she do this to her family? How could she do this to me? Why do I keep hurting myself because she hurts me?

Now she is not speaking to me because she overheard me talking to my dad about how she told me when I was 6 years old that my dad wasn't going to love me now that my sister was born. This was all true, and I wanted to ask about it but didn't know that she was near enough to listen. Normally, I would feel like I betrayed her but no, she betrayed me.

She hit me with a wooden spoon. She hit me with a rolled up yoga mat and when I sprained my thumb I had to tell kids at school that I did it while playing basketball. She blamed me for it because she said I shouldn't have put my hands up to defend myself. She faked her own death multiple times and I would try to wake her up and she would stay laying down until my dad made her get up. Then she would laugh at me for crying. She blamed me for her heart attacks and told me that she would die soon if I was bad. She told me never to tell anyone what went on in our house.

There is so much, but I can't right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. I just want to feel safe, protected, and cared for. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I feel so vulnerable, like a little child. And I don't know how to make this go away.

[LaLa]

Hi, WhereIsTheLove,

Firstly; that's great that you managed not to cut yourself in this situation! Well done! You was able to write here instead of SI - several times! I hope you can appreciate it and do the same in the future!

What your mother does and tells is horrible and you have the right to feel very angry. But... evet that you feel like a little child sometimes (what is understandable in such a situation), you are a big girl and... you are not as vulnerable as you was as a child. (I wonder when your mother began to behave like this. Could you, please, be more specific?) Don't let your mother to ruin your life!!! Considering her as somebody who has a psychical problem and who you mustn't "irritate" by any way/means and who you should avoid if possible could be a bit alleviating, what do you think? I know is't easy to say but hard to do. (I'm not familiar with your situation, so it's hard to advise more precisely .) Just try, firstly, to write why this approach seems to be useless to you.

Do you have any adult you trust and like? Is there anybody who you can speak to about this all?

Take care!

L.

[Mrs. Wife]

First let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you seem to be a very strong person. I haven't read any of your other posts so I wonder how old you are and how long this has been going on?

I want to tell you a bit about myself that may shed a little light on why your mother might act this way.

About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was placed on an antidepressant by my family doctor and told that I should see a psychiatrist. I took the antidepressant but didn't go to a mental health practitioner of any kind at that time.

It didn't take long before I was no longer laying around in a haze and crying all the time, but I felt more anxious than ever and became really mean. I would scream and yell the most horrible things to my family over things that shouldn't have upset me, like the dishes weren't stacked correctly in the cupboard. I then began to feel as if I wanted to hurt somebody and even made plans (though I knew I would never carry them out but it felt really good to make them) how I could kill my husband without getting caught! I wanted to physically hurt my children and the children I cared for to the point that, out of fear of my own feelings, I had to give up my daycare business and get myself into therapy.

After a few weeks of therapy, and laying it all on the line, my therapist suggested that I immediately get to a psychiatrist becuase I needed to be on meds to stabilize my moods. I did go this time because I was scared and I was diagnosed as bipolar (the antidepressants likely threw me into a state of mania). I was given mood stabilizers, which did help, but I was also given information on Bipolar Disorder, which helped me understand my feelings, and helped my family understand that my sudden bouts of anger weren't something I was able to control at the time.

I wonder if your mom realizes that she is treating you this way, because for a long time I didn't realize that I was being so hurtful to my family. If you are able to talk to your dad, or another adult who knows and can talk to your mom, do so as soon as possible and try to get your mom some help that it seems she desparately needs. I am sure that she loves you (at least, if she is feeling the way I did back then, I'm sure she does) and once her eyes are open she will hopefully be willing to get the help she needs.

Now my children are my best friends and they know they can come to me with absolutely anything because they know how much I love them. I can only look back and wish that we had always had this kind of relationship, but the memory of my children hating and fearing me keeps me from relapsing, keeps me steady. Love can be that powerful. I don't even take any meds anymore because I have found the inner strength to control my feelings and with the understanding of my bipolar (which has never been as severe as it could have been if left untreated) my family is able to point little things out to me when I start to act strange.

I hope that, if nothing else, this can give you some insight that perhaps your mom doesn't really understand what she is doing to you or why she does it. I hope you can get the help you need, and that she gets the help she needs.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Whereisthelove,

I have posted a number of articles here, at Mentalhelp.net on the Borderline mother. We also have many articles by our other fine writers on abuse. I urge you to read them.

Sadly, you are not alone in having a mother who is abusive (or was). Clearly, it has been difficult for you to feel anger at her and that is understandable. But, your anger is normal. So is your fear.

I don't know if you still live near your mother or not but it would be a good idea to put distance between you and her. Also, psychotherapy is something I strongly recommend. Did you say you are in therapy?

You have a right to feel safe and that means you need to get away from her and gain self confidence through therapy.

[WhereIsTheLove]

Thanks for your responses!

Just to answer people's questions, I am 19, this has been going on my whole life, and I just started therapy last month. I have a 12 year old sister, but she is not as affected by this as me because I seem to have taken the role of my mother's confidant. She tells me about all her issues and I have to help her raise my sister. My father lives with us, but if he is at work and my sister has some sort of issue, I have to help her work it out because Mom can't handle it.

Anyway, Aschwartz, I would be interested in taking a look at a few of those articles. Could you please tell me where to find them? I clicked on your profile but couldn't find any articles. I am new to the site so maybe I just don't know how to navigate. Thanks!!

[LaLa]

Hi,

I found these articles forom Dr. Schwartz about this topic:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28642&w=5&cn=8

- the links to the others are below this one.

And here are some other, maybe some of them also useful for you:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8476&cn=2

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8474&cn=2

But... what about the advise form "Mrs. Wife"? You didn't mention what you think about it... (I find it very insightful.)

Wish you good luck with your therapy! (And don't forgot: Patience is crucial... )

L.

[WhereIsTheLove]

Lala,

Thanks for the articles. That was helpful! (And thanks for reminding me to reply. I wasn't in a good place emotionally to reply using much thought before. That's why I just asked for the articles.)

Mrs.Wife,

Thank you for your reply. It was interesting to read something from "the other side." I do not think she has the same illness as you do, but I can see some similarities. This has been going on for my whole life, and actually before I was born. I hear stories from other people about the way she was before. I do not know if she knows what she is doing, but I think that she does. She has given verbal clues that she knows what is going on but hasn't actually acted to stop it.

Her mother is actually the same way, and sometimes my mother does the same things that her mother does. Sometimes my dad will call her out on it, but she will be more concerned that it hurt her to hear him say that than that her behavior was hurtful toward us in the first place. So I don't know where to go with this.

But anyway, I am glad that you are able to have such a great relationship with your children now, and that things seem to be relatively under control. I think it is difficult to act in a healthy way when your mind and brain are not healthy. But I also think that if you are unhealthy it is your responsibility to get help for it so it doesn't continue to hurt yourself or those around you. At the very least, look outside your bubble and see how it affects others. I am glad that you were able to do those things and have good relationships.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

[Hermitt]

I understand. Some women should never have children. My mother was a B*tch on Wheels. A appreciate now what she was. She withheld love from me and food. I was always hungry growing up and dangerously thin. I was always passing out in school for lack of food. She didn't love me and made sure no one else did either. She interfered with every relationship I ever had with anyone, male or female and found a way to end it. She really didn't want the best for me. She wanted to make me suffer because SHE didn't want me. I was a thorn in her side. My childhood was a misery because of her. I actually hate her now. She drove a wedge between me and anyone I cared for and made sure no one associated with me. She was nice to everyone else in her life except me. When I was alone with her it was torture. She bullied and belittled me, humilated me in public every chance she got and gossiped about me in ways no mother should ever talk about their own daughter.