suicidal yet again... :(

[lost_and_confused]

I had been doing so well, I hadn't had any real problems since August and now things fall to pieces again. Originally when I became suicidal I could see a clear connection to current events in my life (flashbacks and repressed memories) but as time passed the events became less of an issue, but suicide became more of an issue. This doesn't make sense to me, when issues are no longer a problem and suicide was connected, suicide should no longer be a problem in my mind. So having the ides of suicide remain is confusing to me and what is even more confusing is that it continues to get worse. At this point it feels like it's not connected to anything but floating there by itself.

What worries me the most is that these ideas have been around for almost 2 weeks at this point and are not getting better but worse each day. My coping strategies are not working like they typically would; when they work it's only for a short period of time and then I'm right back where I started. I know that at some point if things continue like this I will reach my breaking point, my question becomes when? It feels like it's sooner rather than later, which is a scare thought.

At times to try to cope, I consider self-harm, but I know that will not fix anything and really the only thing it will do is make things worse. It will compound the problem. Last time I used self-harm to cope, I became addicted to self-harm and I don't want to end up there again. I feel like I'm out of options though, what's left seems like self-harm or suicide.

[IrmaJean]

Hello, lost and confused. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down right now. I am also concerned. Is there anyone there with you? Does the college have a health facility that might offer you support and assistance? Have you also considered going to the hospital to get some help? Maybe these thoughts are a response of anxiety. Do you deal with anxiety and patterns of obsessive thoughts? Maybe try and distract yourself with something which gives you pleasure. If you feel you are in any kind of danger, please call for help.

[lost_and_confused]

At times I'm around people but not all the time, but when I feel like I need to be around people there are people I can hang out with. Yes, we have a health/counseling center and I have been there, so they know what is going on. But they have no answers for me either, there is no explanation for why right now.

I have spent time in the hospital in the past; every time I have been there I have become violent and then they keep you longer. I don't do well with restrictions on what I do when and where I go. If someone tries to restrict me then I have a complete meltdown and then I become violent to whom ever talks to me. That's not something I want to experience again. I'm not even sure that going to the hospital is what I need right now. The first time I was there it was because when I was suicidal I was so logical that I couldn't feel anything, there were no emotions at all and I didn't care about the future of the outcome of a suicide attempt (I didn't care if I died or not, nor what I did to people around me). And the last time I was there it was because when feeling suicidal one night while talking to a friend, I wrote a list of 60some ways to kill myself. Neither of these are the case right now though. At this point I haven't completely given up, I'm still fighting with myself but I'm worried how much longer I can continue to fight with myself and not give in.

Anxiety, I don't think is the problem at all. I'm as calm as can be, just fearful. Rarely do I experience any anxiety and when I do it is connected to something I need to do, like give a presentation. Thinking back, suicide is the only thought pattern that I have ever obsessed about, and that rarely happens any more. This time it would fit the definition of obsessed; I can't seem to not think about suicide regardless what I do, or if I can not think about it for a period of time, it is a very short period of time. I have been distracting myself with a number of things for the past 2 weeks, last week that endeavor was more successful that it is this week.

At this point I feel like I just need new ways to cope. But I have no idea what that would look like. So far I have been using the following as coping strategies which are not working so well now: video games (as an escape from reality), talking to friends, sleep, homework and research, tv, hanging out with friends at the coffee house, journaling, arts/crafts, sudouko/logic puzzles (to keep my brain active elsewhere), and meditation. What else can I do, that may help?

[SweetSue]

Hi Lost_and_confused.

Sorry you are feeling so lowper, maybe you could try excercise as a kind of distraction from your thoughts. Maybe go for a hike somewhere, and just take in natures beauty, I find that helps me when im feeling lowper, its relaxing and then easier for me to meditate. Or if your feeling really energetic maybe join a gym or go swimming. Have you ever tried Yoga ?

Just a thought and hope the suggestions give you a few ideas.

Take care

[IrmaJean]

L&C, it sounds like intrusive thoughts. You say you are calm, but also fearful. Are the thoughts themselves scary? As in you are worried about having the thoughts? Why do you think you are experiencing them now? You've spoken of your deep disappointment at losing your dream of becoming a runner. Have you discussed your feelings around this with your therapist? Coming to understand where the emotions are coming from and what they mean might be helpful. Maybe there are other ways to utilize the energy you would have received in becoming a professional runner and you can have those needs met elsewhere in your life.

Coping methods. I always try to find something which soothes me and eventually calms the thoughts. For me it might be helping a friend or getting involved with something else which keeps my mind focused on the task at hand. Sometimes something simple like writing poetry or listening to music can also be very helpful. I hope that you feel better soon.

[lost_and_confused]

The thoughts are scary but it's more what the outcome will be. The outcome has the potential to be either positive or negative. My fear isn't as emotional as most people would experience, mine is more logical than emotional. As for right now why I'm experiencing them (suicidal thoughts) I don't know, if asked a a week ago I would have said they were connected to the loss of my dream but now that doesn't seem to be the case. I have seen my therapist and we have talked about this, and his question was if this is connected to graduation and saying goodbye to people. But I'm more than ready to graduate and day goodbye, I don't think that is the case either. It doesn't seem to be connected to anything. Which makes it that much more harder to understand what is happening.

[malign]

I would suggest that characterizing your fears as more logical than others' is simply a side-effect of the fact that they're your fears. :-)

Have you tried to talk your fears out with other people, to check your logic?

You describe a difference between what you call "fear" and what you call "anxiety". How are fears different from anxiety, in your definition (since we all define words subjectively)? What do you actually experience, when you fear?

Perhaps it's too early in your thinking about them to go directly to why you're having them. Perhaps it would help to catalogue them, first.

[lost_and_confused]

Why I say that my fear is more logical is because if I'm presented with an emotional problem I can't even tell you that it's emotional, I only understand logic. My mind works like a computer (an unfortunate side-effect of too much programing), I only understand rules and facts not emotions and things of a subjective nature. It's rare that I actually feel emotions, I label my thoughts the same as what others label as emotions because of studying emotions and learning what others feel/think when they experience them. The label is more for others than myself, it allows me to talk about what is happening and for others to understand what is going on.

What I fear is the thoughts becoming so overwhelming that I can not handle them anymore and kill myself. I can't see any fallacies in my logic of being afraid of ending my life. I would say that it is a valid concern.

I see anxiety as a close relative of fear but anxiety is when you are worried about a definite action/event. While fear is more about the unknown, what may happen. For me fear is very debilitating; I can't function, I want to spend all of my time in bed in a ball, I don't eat much at all, I startle easily, I'm restless, I can't sleep...

[malign]

Well, if you think you're human and that you're logical, at the same time, you're already trapped in a fallacy. And I've been coding since before you were born. :-)

For instance, a completely logical being who had convinced himself that his death was the correct course would feel no fear. Now, that's not the same thing as telling you to just do it: I completely agree that a desire to die is a matter for concern.

What I'm telling you is that suicide is just about the least logical thing that a living intelligence might ever contemplate. Logic cannot predict the future, and yet you're trying to convince yourself, logically, that the future cannot get better.

In fact, if you remember a time when things were better, it would be logical to assume that things won't stay this bad forever, rather than assuming that somehow you're on a one-way downhill slope. What you are is depressed. One symptom of depression is what is called "flattening of affect", which is a fancy way to say that you feel drained of emotion.

What does your logic tell you about other people's suicides, if you accept that you feel similarly to other people who are depressed? Especially when fed the fact that many suicidal people recover and lead happy, productive lives, once they receive treatment.

What are you afraid of, do you know? Is it fear that you might go through with suicide, or is it fear of something else, which suicide is meant to prevent?

[IrmaJean]

Anxiety can be an all-around fear of everything. I don't think it necessarily has to be specific. When your mind is spinning round and round it can become a very difficult thing to turn off. What you have described and the way it has been interfering with your life sounds very much like anxiety...obsessive and intrusive thoughts and the surrounding discomfort... as I have personally felt this. The wording is unimportant, though. What matters is that this is causing you distress. One positive aspect is that clearly you don't want these thoughts. Have you tried altering your ruminations? Diverting your mind to something less concerning? What does your therapist suggest?