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stepping back in for a bit


cyblue
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hi all. i know i've been gone for a while. have been checking in on things once in but haven't been well enough to be much encouragement to anyone else much less myself.

guess i'm stepping back in because i'm not doing so well at the moment. march seems to be a great time for me to go manic - so i did. been to the therapist and the psychiatrist during this time. When i called in they cut my Wellbutrin back from 450mg to 150mg - i guess to take some of the edge off the mania. so when i actually went in to see them, the pdoc cut my Lexapro down from 20mg to 10mg. the therapist noticed i cringed when i told her that. i tend to lean heavily toward the depressive side of bipolar.

i think that now maybe i have entered a nice mixed episode. One of those where you have some energy and can be really up one minute and then have those awful low feelings and have just enough energy to maybe do something about them. i know this is a lot of rambling but my brain is moving pretty fast. just five minutes ago i was wondering what the hell am i doing here. Gotta just love the bipolar....no i don't.

so do i call the pdoc and, even though i checked in today and he thought i was pretty leveled out (at least i wasn't sounding like i would be right now with the fast talking and rambling), tell him that i'm really not doing so hot??? or do i wait until my therapist appointment and just see what happens?

i know i don't deserve an answer since i'm really poor about being here on a regular basis - but i thought it would be nice to just get this crap outta my head for a minute and hope for one anyhow.

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<shaking my head at the "I don't deserve an answer" bit>

Hi cyblue, don't think we've met before; it's always nice to meet another BeePea. :)

I'm in a mixed episode right now too. Yesterday morning I was all perky and bright with my thoughts moving really fast and many things touching me deeply, then my energy all vanished and I became a blob on the couch but still felt great and knew it was ALL good. Then 'feeling great' evaporated and the blob went squishy and amoeba-like. By evening the blob had dissolved in a very tearful but restless puddle and I was very, very unhappy and bereft, thought I didn't have anyone to talk with and couldn't post here because... well, I'm not sure why really... I felt like I had to keep it together ...?

Sound familiar? :eek: I also lean very heavily towards the depressive.

And calling the pdoc... it's like when your car engine makes a weird noise, but as soon as you take it in, the noise vanishes. The pdoc gets a brief glimpse of how you are, and when you're mixed that glimpse says nothing about the rest of the time!

You know what I did once and it was quite useful: For one day I kept a running commentary (on paper) about my mood and thoughts, annotating the time. I think I posted it here? not sure, let me check... (damn medication messes with my memory! It's the medication, not me! - I have perfect recall! :)) ... oh yes, here it is. I emailed it to my therapist. How far away is your next appointment?

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i think i resemble your remarks, Luna -

i spoke with some psychologist friends of mine and asked them what they consider a mixed episode...turns out it was totally what's been going on with me the past several days.

Next official appointment w/therapist is next thursday - kinda long time to wait when cycling so dang quickly, though.

Put a call in to the therapist (who shares an office w/the pdoc) today and will hopefully get some med adjustment...those friends of mine thought that a change in the Abilify might be of some use. they laughed when i mentioned that i had told the doc that i was fine *at that moment in time* and told me that i was riding kinda high at this moment in time. :rolleyes:

Thanks for your reply, Luna. Hope that amoeba stage passes quickly for ya.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Cyblue I too have the nasty bipolar with ultra rapid cycling with mixed moods like crying and laughing in the same breath. Or feeling depressed and suicidal and cleaning my house at the same time.

This is an aweful illness that just keeps playing tricks on us!!! And as my pdoc always says, its the illness talking so the things I do depressed or manic arent really me.. Ok a little validation to my crazy feelings and behaviors :(

I have found though I am no a affected by the weather but I do see a daily change in me when I am not manic. So for my mostly depressed state my morning is ok but then I get worse in the afternoon. When I used to chart, I saw that clearly so I charted 2 times a day and they switched like jeckyl and hyde....

When I go to the hospital I told my pdoc to see me in the afternoon when I am at my worst because if it were just for mornings, I would be home!!! All my panic attacks and crazy behavior is in the late afternoon and evenings...

You will see Luna and I are clearly medication resistant and we suffer from the same crazy mixed cycles and I just came out of a 2 week crash in bed...

I hope you feel better and I am usually around if you need to vent... :)

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