Trying to be here.

[katleen]

Hi all,

Just recently out of hospital, trying to do a few things different. PTSD and BPD with all the anxiety, panic, emotion dysregulation and depression that goes with it.

New meds, good crisis counseling, but, how to embrace the long run. After losing a job to injury that I'd worked very hard to succeed at, am facing chronic pain and disability. Low thyroid and estrogen issues. Nothing new but the ferocity of symptoms, and good friends, so am thankful. Grown children and grandkids, me watching them cope with life in part with ways of my teaching that I've now learned aren't healthy. Guilt, anger, but a growing acceptance that it isn't all due to bad character but illness. The results of genetics, environment and traumas. So want to be able to enjoy at least some of the rest of my life. And want a feeling of having contributed something worthwhile. My older sister says I pioneered the search for mental health in my family, but the swath of pain I've watched doesn't reassure me.

I realize we are the pioneers, our lives represent the models that future mental health care rests on. As long as it's economical. I keep hearing things like "only qualifying for pallitive care". And from a nurse in the hospital, psyc unit, "Do I believe in euthanasia?" Don't know his intent, treated me well, but as admitted suicidal his question has followed me. I've been learning to believe what I see over what I hear, and sometimes shockingly what I hear as well, and have been screaming. Sometimes people who are supposed to be caregivers are quite the opposite. People without money or voice suffer. About all I've accomplished is people wary of caring for me, I think. Have always thought I have been passive and agreeable and questioning my own reality. Lots of self blame when I wasn't, at least not completely, at fault. But angry and controlling with family, even though well intentioned. I finally see the evidence of my mostly emotional trail, but also the sincerity that I've lived trying to be a better person and make lives around me better.

The course of my life has come to a place where I can't talk in much details as other lives would/could be impacted negatively. I unloaded in the hospital a heavy burden and think, hope, I may get some reprieve from my obsessive fear and worry, but looking back, I'm 53, I'm probably not so lucky. My Mom died never escaping her fears, and MI has passed on to the generation after me, with serious consequence.

Anyway, I'd like to be here with all of you, to offer support and receive it, too. Am having a hard time of it, though, as I always feel inappropriate and am concerned about causing more harm than good. And with my own life such a mess, what have I to give? Should be in some PTSD classes, or at least receiving materials. soon. Perhaps I can share. I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Learning to breathe.

Love:)

katleen

[malign]

Hi again katleen,

I'm sorry it's such a rollercoaster, at the moment. It's good to see that you reserve a few glimmers of positive thinking, though. "How to embrace the long run?" Well, you can embrace something only one way: with open arms! :-) And, perhaps surprisingly, the more you put into it, the more you get out, which why depression is so difficult.

If I had to guess, a nurse in a psych ward that you were admitted to for suicidal thoughts would ask "Do you believe in euthanasia" for exactly one reason: trying to get you to see that, if you wouldn't euthanize someone else, why were you considering doing it to yourself? And even then, it's a question better not asked unless they know that you don't believe in euthanasia.

What have you to give? Well, at the bare minimum, your experiences. Knowing other people have suffered similarly is a big help to people. You don't have to go into detail or get intensely personal. And even if you don't feel like you've learned anything from all those experiences, you can offer support. Most people don't come here to be taught a new way to behave; they come for comfort, hope, and reassurance. I've often seen people give others hope even when they find it impossible to give it to themselves.

I wouldn't worry too much about the possibility of doing harm. It takes a lot to be so inappropriate that someone gets seriously hurt. And it's not like there aren't a lot of us here to serve as buffers. You don't seem that dangerous, to me.

And the freaky thing is how effective the attempt to give is, at giving back.

[katleen]

Thank you, Malign,

For your response. Sometimes I forget, but the strongest support in my life has come from friends sitting quietly beside me, not having suggestions but just being there. It so affirmed that I had worth of some kind. When I got word that my Mom died, my mate untied and tied my shoes while I was on the phone. Having that focus, that simple act made it possible to actually feel the loss, instead of stuffing it away to fester with everything else.

Coming here, where giving and asking for support is the norm, is soothing in its self.

Thank you for helping me feel welcome.

katleen