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Why do I go through episodes like this?


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I have been diagnosed with suffering from Manic Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Insomnia, Sciatica and Dyslexic. I am just a walking demick. Or thats how it feels!!!! I am on medication for all these symptoms and feel as though I rattle when I walk with the medication. What I can't understand is that I have suffered with all these symptoms for the past 18months and the Medication that I am taking, feel as though they are not doing anything for me. I have my up days and dread the down days because without a doubt, the down days always follows. I have tried to commit Suicide, but didn't suceed. I ended up on a medical emergency unit for 2days and straight after I ended up on a Physiatric ward for 2wks. I am under a Physiatrist whome I have regular contact with and have now been referred to a Phychologist. I am at present in one of my down days which will carry on for another week or two. I really hate this dreaded feeling that posesses me because it makes me have terrible thoughts of trying to commit Suicide again. It really frightens me to the extent that I am afraid to even go to sleep incase I don't wake up? after I start thinking these horrible thoughts I don't know, It's as if I have no controle over my feelings and before I know it I am contemplating On killing myself again. even going to the extreme of tieing a wire on to something solid and standing on a chair with the wire around my neck getting ready to jump and the only thing thats stops me is being interupted trying to carry out the task. I am really desperate for some advice, regarding this issue. Paula.

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hi paula just read your post and i really feel for you.

i don't really know much about depression it's all quite new for me and i'm just learning to understand it.

i totally understand about your suicidal thoughts. i went through the same thing from oct last year around june. pretty much most nights i would go to bed planning on how and when my death would be. it ranged from physically hurting myself in someway to taking some kind of overdose washed down with lots of vodka. all i can say from my experience is it will eventually pass and altho it might not feel like it right now, it will believe me.

fortunately for me i didn't make any attempt. every time i felt that way, after all that thinking and planning i thought about how my family would feel. i took an overdose years ago as a teenager and afterwards i thought long and hard about how i never considered how hurt my family would be.

so thats what keeps me going at times, my family and i think back to times when i've been happy and if i wanted to be dead then, no. and how it may feel bed right now but you never know you could get to those happy times again and you won't feel this way.

like i say i have been dealing with this for a very short time. i now know i've always suffered from depression, but i never spoken to anyone about it and i just thought everyone felt that way.i hope this helps.

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Hi Bluebell, Thankyou for your kind words but unfortunately it didn't help me in time. You see, I've just come out of Hospital, after yet again trying to take my own life. I can't even do a good job of that!!!!!! I hate it when I feel like this because strange how it seems, I feel like I have no controle over these feeling of trying to end my life. I really do feel like I am posessed. It's as if I am a ghostly figure looking down on myself as the hospital staff are doing all they can to bring me out of my unconciouse state. I can actually see everything that is going on. I never see any members of my family though! it's as if I have been left all alone. The next thing is that I come back to reality. I have been woken up from a long sleep. everything is still the same though. You know what gets to me the most? Is the lonelyness! Apart from my youngest son who has just turned 21yrs, I don't get to see anyone. I am not allowed to venture out on my own incase I go off the rails at the public. Not agressive or anything. I get so paranoid! I feel like everyone's talking about me. I've been known to confront people and ask what there problem is? They don't even know me. I would never harm anyone, I'm more scared of them than they are of me, but I can understand how frightened they must be. It's like i'm a Jeckal & Hyde with two split personallities. The best thing is that I can't recollect any of these occurancies that have taken place. it's as though I'm in a deep sleep and someone has just woken me up. At the moment I am under 24hrs observation so I don't follow through what I couldn't achieve on Saturday night. They have pumped that much medication in to me that I feel like i'm monged out all the time. Suppose it's so I don't harm myself. Here I am telling someone of the internet that I've never even met. All my problems! When All I really want is some one to get to the route of my problems and tell me what the hell is going on!!!! No dissrespect to you or anything. I thank you for understanding. That is something that I can't do . Maybe some day, If I'm here to tell the tale? Well I've got to go now. I've been given my orders! I've had my 5mins of reallity for today. Back to the medication to knock me out again. Hope to speak to you soon. Take care! Paula x

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