I think...

[Calla]

....I can finally explain how I feel. It's like my soul died years ago but my body just kept going. Does anyone understand what I mean?

[Luna-]

I think I do. Actually I'd imagine quite a few people do, perhaps they've just conceptualised it differently. But I know what you mean.

I saw a documentary about depression once in which one guy said that the opposite of depression was not happiness. The opposite was Being Alive. I thought that was insightful and speaks to that soul death you describe.

I've died like that quite a lot of times. Miraculously I live to tell the tale! I think our souls go into hibernation, which feels like death, but isn't. Another of the lies depression whispers in our ears.

[Calla]

Yes thats exactly it, sums it up perfectly. Being alive. Sometimes if I get moments of something happening that sparks a bit of life I feel better whilst not necessarily happy.

I guess it's similar to the thread about finding purpose. Finding purpose and being alive.

Maybe one day I'll find an answer!

[danni]

I think I know how you are feeling. I have many times just felt....dead. But something I've also realized about myself is that there is a piece of my depression that was a choice. Not a concious one, of course, but I realized that feeling dead was easier than feeling the emotions that were too intense for me to handle at the time.

I'm not saying it is this way for you. But it can be helpful to look at all angles of your depression. Ask some hard questions that will bring on some hard answers. What are your triggers? What are your fears? And at the same time.....what are the things that make you feel alive now or have in the past? What are the things that make your heart sing and beat a little faster? When you see a picture of you "feeling alive" in your mind, what are you doing?

[Lindamomof7]

I understand as well and I think depression is feeling that flat unemotional feeling of life. I agree Calla feeling that spark gets us moving but I think we have all been so "traumatized" from all of this we are almost afraid of "happiness".

I have been doing some soul searching on that and through all of my cycle changes I am more traumatized and even knowing that the spark came I still know or actaully I become so cautious of feeling good now that I am afraid of feeling alive or happy.

There are also the times when I listen to the birds, go to the beach or look at my kids and feel nothing. How can that be?? Why is it that in my whole life I felt "alive" and now I feel "dead"? And why is it so easy for a lot of us to want to just give it up and give in to suicide ideations? How can the brain go from "loving" life to "death".

I just don't get it and I don't believe that meds will ever help us really feel the happiness we used to feel...

[Calla]

No I don't understand any of it either. And I don't take any meds as I'm not sure thats the answer for me, plus my Dr is not very understanding and I don't want to tell him how I feel.

But I can't think of anything to make me feel alive. I don't have the energy to find anything I think.

I wonder if mind over matter can ever win the war with depression?

[danni]

Calla.... A trusting relationship with your doctor is so important? Has something happened that has made trust difficult or do you just not connect with your doctor very well?? Could you see someone else?

I certainly understand the motivation factor in finding those things that give you life. I actually have those things present in my life but there are times when they feel like "one MORE thing I have to do." But it always happens that once I get myself there....they continue to be life giving and I feel better.

Are there things you've had in the past that you can identify as life giving?

[Calla]

I do have a bit of a bad history with my doctor. I managed to get in with a female doctor last time and she was much better but she is always fully booked now. And to be honest I just don't have the nerve to say the words.

Can I ask aother stupid question.....I think a lot of my troubles come down to the fact I just don't inspire people to care about me...and I#m not sure why! I think I am a nice and funny person. I donate to charity by direct debit despite only working 4 days a month, I do volunteer work, I.m always worried about others feelings. And try and be respectful and good mannered but I feel like unless I am a bir horrible people won't respect or care about me. It's a strange world.

[malign]

Can you identify any people in your past who treated you that way: as if, by being "a bit horrible", they'd get better service?

Maybe you do, in fact, inspire people to care about you, but you don't see it?

[Symora]

I do get what you mean Calla. I too give, am kind, considerate, all that good stuff. For me it's often been than people take advantage of me. :confused: People who can see a good thing a mile away can spot me like a neon sign, and I don't know what I do to trigger that. So now I'm trying to be more assertive, tell it like it is, be a bit more horrible as you describe it, but I'm all thumbs and I'm bruising people all over the place. I don't like who I'm becoming. I don't know who the heck to be except me, but I'm so gun shy at being good anymore that I'm like in shock. So I stay away from people mostly...

Maybe I watched too many Disney movies growing up.... I've had many friends from various cultures over the years, and sometimes I think we are quite naive about the reality of life. It's just not like a Disney movie, it's hard, it takes work and determination, there is always something around the corner, relationships are great but not easy, and sometimes it just goes all weird and you don't know what to do....

I don't know where I'm going with this....

[mscat]

....I can finally explain how I feel. It's like my soul died years ago but my body just kept going. Does anyone understand what I mean?

I beleive I understand what you mean. I feel numb all the time , Calla. I have to go day by day not able to feel. I think of myself as a nice caring person too , yet something is missing. Missing inside of me , that helps me feel nothing.