Overcomming Love Addiction

[Illusionist]

Does anyone here have knowledge or experience of overcomming this super destructive personality flaw that I have? Professional counselling is currently out of option because of financial situation as a student. If anyone have any self help tips or links... it would be great appreciated.

THANK YOU!

[Nelly]

I don't know if you are male or female, but either way the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood would be of great relevance. It has been like a 'bible'to me through most of my love relationships (usually when they end!).

Right now it is on my pillow right next to "Rebuilding - when your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. These books always help me to re-affirm where I am making mistakes rather than pointing fingers of blame at the emotionally unavailable partners I am attracted to.

I am slowly recovering - in the past there have been womanisers, gold diggers even psychopaths but after a long period of singledom and inner work I finally fell for a very good man, he is a very beautiful human being - 'jackpot' I thought - 'I have recovered at last!' Alas I was wrong, as he suffers from something akin to Avoidant Personality Disorder and slowly over time shut down on me. Emotional intimacy causes great fear in him due to his own very dysfunctional upbringing.

The good news is that I am turning things around - I now feel and know that I NEED and deserve emotional intimacy in my life or even this relationship is no good to me - good man he may be but if there is only one person (ME) trying to connect, then it cannot work. I am slowly letting go of my addiction to him, I am truly ready to have 'real' intimacy and closeness in my primary relationship - perhaps he will decide to 'join' me, but if not I am moving on and I feel sure that a little while in the future, the next relationship I have will most definitely have to tick all the right healthy boxes.

I know my repetitive behaviour of love addiction (ie always falling for emotionally unavailable men) was borne from an emotionally deprived childhood. Good luck in unravelling your own sources of maladaptiveness - that for me has been the key - discovering, accepting, forgiving and letting go. I continue to tread the path of recovery but I know I have improved greatly - even if it has taken me 23 years to get this far - a way to go yet but never giving up!

There are also support groups like Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) which I hear are fantastic (sadly not a group in my area).

Hope this makes some kinda sense, best wishes, Nelly

[lovejunkie]

Dear Illusionist,

I applaud you for having the courage to ask for help, and also for knowing this is about love addiction. I'm not sure whether you're male or female either, but still all the following should be helpful.

I am a writer who has struggled with this addiction for many years. But only recently did I even realize that is what I was struggling with. You are way ahead of the game. I have a new book, LOVE JUNKIE: A MEMOIR, coming out this fall. It's a personal narrative. I hope it helps wake a lot of people up to this elusive addiction. You can find it on Amazon.com for pre-sale.

Another writer, Kerry Cohen, author of LOOSE GIRL: A MEMOIR OF PROMISCUITY, and I are launching a joint website called Loose Girls and Love Junkies (http://loosegirlsandlovejunkies.com) this fall. It will offer a "forum for frank discussion of love, sex, relationship and romance addiction for men, women and teens." We plan to invite experts in the field as well as writers, artists, musicians and others who have insights to offer.

Books that helped me a ton are FACING CODEPENDENCY by Pia Mellody, FACING LOVE ADDICTION also by Pia -- and most recently, this amazing book READY TO HEAL: WOMEN FACING LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION by Kelly McDaniel. Kelly's book I think picks up where Pia's left off -- because it synthesizes so many thoughts on love addiction, and also gets in cultural context, and tackles the roots of this addiction in childhood trauma. These books are amazing.

I hope this is all helpful. You are not alone!

Good luck.

Best,

Rachel Resnick