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.....and I wave tomorrow goodbye


SweetSue
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What happenened to tomorrow ???

I realise how "doo lally" that sounds, yet even so, I cant stop myself wondering. Been thinking about it for some time, my conclusion - I threw it away.

Have worked so hard to just try understand, to cope with yesterday, breathe my way through today, that tomorrow simply dosnt exist. It cant.

Obviously there is going to be another day, there always is, just so hard to accept it.

Im tired of having to fight things, constantly having this inner battle with myself to keep going. Conning myself that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow the hard work will pay off. That tomorrow things will be better, easier, and like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, all the parts will come together, make me complete again.

Force myself to erase the pain with a smile. Erase everything. Forget. Make myself forget.

Sure I can hide it, getting quite good at pretending everything is fine. That Im dealing with the loss of my children, and having my world torn apart. Im moving on. It dosnt affect me. Im strong. I can do this. That Im chherful, and in good spirit. That nothing can knock me down - for long.Get up, move again, and damn it smile, coz then all is ok. Laugh it off Sue, look hard enough theres humour to be found. Lifes a joke.

But just for today, I dont want to pretend. I need to be allowed to feel what Im feeling, without the fear of being judged, or the fear that I am letting people down, coz Im not as together as I should be. I want to be myself and not have to hide me away.

Im sad, hurting and dying inside, and today, I just need for that to be ok.

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You can be you. But be good to you doing it. Take a hot shower, get out the bandaids, and grieve. Don't pretend for awhile, that life just doesn't totally suck sometimes, for a long time. But good will come again, surely. It does to everyone, so don't forget that when today's pain feels like forever. Can you find a grief and loss support group online? I'll go there with you...

Have a caseworker appt, then will be home. I'll check in.

Love

katleen

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Im tired of having to fight things, constantly having this inner battle with myself to keep going. Conning myself that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow the hard work will pay off. That tomorrow things will be better, easier, and like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, all the parts will come together, make me complete again.

Force myself to erase the pain with a smile. Erase everything. Forget. Make myself forget.

Sure I can hide it, getting quite good at pretending everything is fine. That Im dealing with the loss of my children, and having my world torn apart. Im moving on. It dosnt affect me. Im strong. I can do this. That Im chherful, and in good spirit. That nothing can knock me down - for long.Get up, move again, and damn it smile, coz then all is ok. Laugh it off Sue, look hard enough theres humour to be found. Lifes a joke.

But just for today, I dont want to pretend. I need to be allowed to feel what Im feeling, without the fear of being judged, or the fear that I am letting people down, coz Im not as together as I should be. I want to be myself and not have to hide me away.

Im sad, hurting and dying inside, and today, I just need for that to be ok.

Sweet Sue,

I believe that we have lived with 'masks'. We, somehow, are taught to hide our true feelings. And after all these observation, I find why should we live with all these masks? The truth has to come out one day. The truth emerging from these masks and layers of lies hurts dearly while trying to come through. The truth is light. It has to emerge or come out of darkness, dark places to be seen. It will be seen. It will rise like they say the pheonix does. When the light is shown all darkness is cleared up. Darkness goes back to where ever it came from. We must live in the light in order to grow like the flowers, like the trees. To be who we really are. We cannot bloom in the darkness, behind these masks. We cannot live in the darkness, in the tunnels. We must come out.

Is there pain in the light? I don't know. But I do know, when I sit out in the sun, some of my pain is healed for then.

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Interesting that this is the <No judgement> day. I was judging myself big time just ten minutes ago before I got online ... I wish I had known earlier...:)

I think that sometimes we just need to acknowledge our pain, not pretend it's not there. It's part of grieving - acceptance... and it hurts, feels like seering pain in my abdomen and I can't pretend it's not there. But I know I can't wallow in that place for long or it takes me to places where I have a hard time finding my way back. No matter what, one needs to hang on to hope, it is what opens up the future in a positive manner, makes the possibility of a better tomorrow propel us forward. It may not be true long term that it will all be rosy, but then I wonder if life ever is. We could make out the future to be all gloomy and filled with hardships, but then what good would that do except make things worse anyway :confused:

So what the heck, go for hope. It's what kept my grandma going until her recent death at the age of 100. She went through incredible harships all her life, became a widow at the age of 29, 8 months pregnant, two kids it tow and ten cents to her name. Struggled through the depression, abject poverty, no one working. Eventually lost everyone of her family members by the time she passed, including 2 children. But she said she was always hopeful that tomorrow would bring something better, especially when she was on the edge of survival. And she would add - and you know, something always happened and we got through it. She was an optimist that woman and it sure worked for her .... so I figure why not... the alternative is nothing to rave about anyway right?????

Edited by Symora
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Sue, I am so sorry for what you're dealing with. I was captured by your post because I was just saying some of the same things to my pdoc yesterday! How I'm tired of struggling just to exist, how I'm tired of wearing a mask, how I constantly feel judged. Honestly, I think we wear our masks for the sake of others: so they won't feel uncomfortable or compelled to respond/react.

I am glad you are taking time for yourself. There is definitely no judgment here, only support.

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Hello, Sue,

Look - the "tomorrow" is here and as you can see, your yesterday's decision to express your feelings here shows it's fruits: You induced great ideas and memories in many of us, some of us shared them here! This is what you need and this is what we need :)... I hope so much that it brings you a pleasant feeling at least for a while!

Take care and... always feel so free to share what you need to share... ;)

L.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sweetsue,

Instead of worrying about the past and thinking of tomorrow, what about focusing on now, here and now. In that focusing on now, you can breath in, smell the outside air, listen to the sound of children playing, walk to the park, enjoy the sun now that Spring is upon us. What about just Now, with no worries and no judgments?

Allan:)

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Sue, if I had the authority, I would award you with a medal from our country, the Purple Heart.

You deserve ACKNOWLEDGEMENT for all you have suffered, so you no longer need to pretend nothing is wrong

You deserve HONOR from the nation of humanity that shamefully failed to protect you as a child

You deserve RESPECT as a vetran who has survived horrors that most of us cannot even imagine

You deserve the SUPPORT from the nation of humanity as you face tomorrow with all you have been through

I wish we could attach this medal to your name, so people would know and you wouldn't feel the need to pretend for us.

Sue, I am honored to know you. I fully acknowledge what you have been through and respect your pain. I support you the best that I know how. I hope you are well today.:)

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Ever wondered like what the heck went on, and then find out its like days later.

Thought I was doing ok, well I knew I was sad......

Dunno whats worse, feeling how I feel now, or realising that I couldnt even do that right. useless, hopeless. So frigging clever Sue, failed at failing - classic.

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