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katleen
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Hope I can still be here...sorry such a superficial list of whines in a world where I have so much. Didn't see it coming.

Love

katleen

Edited by katleen
Am embarrassed how shallow i seem, and didn't see the flood coming. Sorry if I upset people
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I have an appointment in the making with a PTSD counselor who is supposed to be very good. And materials from his groups. It's funny, but the last fifteen yrs or so, when I have been around somebody being abused, abusive or being bullied, this happens. I go a long time thinking it's me, I'm not approaching things/people right, whatever. Once I recognize the source, I can regroup. Emotions from the past when asking for help get triggered, I'm sure. Not good things happened

Don't know what to do next. Have lots of trouble making decisions anymore, esp when it seems they are all wrong. But whatever.

The crisis counselor told me to be rational about things, have difficulty with that when in flight or fight. And that's happening a lot. When I'm not, thoughts are how to avoid it. Can't seem to lately. Anyway, you've all heard enough, I'm sure. Thank you for being here to express a bunch. Sometimes puking helps. And ways you all deal with things do to.

Thank you

Love

katleen

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Hey Katleen

Sorry things are harsh for you today.

Good news about the appointment with the PTSD counselor. Hope the appointment comes through soon.

Its not easy to be rational about things, when as you say your in fight or flight. I find myself in that mode often. Kinda make a lot of mistakes too. If Im with it enough to realise whats happening I call someone to help me.

Is there anyone you can talk things through with, to help make your thoughts a little clearer, as to how to avoid these feelings ?

Would it help if you talked a little here about what is going on for you right now ?

Katleen we are here for you and listening, talk to us ?

Take care hun

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Hi Katleen :)

You have such a lot of things happening for you right now. No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed by it all. :)

Do you think that it would help if you tried some relaxation. I like to find a quiet spot. Either stretch out on my bed, or sit comfortably in a chair. And meditate. Just try and clear my mind of all the things that are troubling me, and imagine Im on a really hot sunny beach somewhere, where its nice and peaceful and the only sounds I can hear are of the gentle waves, and the occasional bird as it flys past. I imagine in tiny detail, little rock pools, the fluffy clouds in the sky. Infact I get lost in it all, and by the time Ive finished meditating, I have my very own Island fit for any princess, with all the latest mod cons :)

It helps me to calm my emotions enough to be able to see things a little clearer and more calmly. Maybe it could help you too ?

Hope today is kinder to you

Take care

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What a lovely meditation, SweetSue. I'll try it. I've been resisting,meditation, but my thoughts fly so fast I know I must. Have before, successfully, so can again. Letting out things I've been holding awhile has helped, so much. And the little stuff. Thank you, again.

Lindamomof7, my roommate and friend doesn't want me to leave, he's committed. Recently he said he'd do counseling, and we're beginning to work on communication skills, ( we've been together ten years, i have lots of resources from DBT. We've both been physically hurting, and me so rolypoly moodwise that he's not getting support I'm sure he needs. It's me that thinks I should go, I feel so worthless in our relationship because of my illness and lack of being able to contribute much monetarily, and he's quite independent with hobbies. Also, embarrassment and shame at not coping. I've run all my life, he reminds me of that and that it's myself I'm running from, can't I wait 24? He's a good man, kind and gentle, Cares and helps out two other homeless people, and when I met him was caring for an older woman who lived in a care home north of here. He'd go take her to lunch til his back gave out. She has a boyfriend now, for the last few years. As far as we know that was a happily ever after. Sometimes I forget how much I really have, and it mostly hasn't been my doing.

Am so grateful to have all of you in my life now. Have learned much and look forward to more.

Love yourselves, today. You make the world a better place.

Love

katleen

And bend my ear. Have been so afraid of people most of my life, now I find we're all quite alike and needing each other.

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Thank you so much, Lindamomofseven.

You are doing your job, sounds like to me..

I hope you stick up for yourself to your children. I had to learn from my sister to do that.

I moved where I am ten years ago agreeing to care for myself. He has family, limited income and resources and is 60. I wanted the freedom that comes from taking care of ones self. I'm 53.

He's cared for me and accepted me and (boy) I loose it over the dog! I am just wired more than him, and can be overwhelming, a lot of fear about dealing with people and new places and tempraments and outcomes. I didn't mean to be hard on him:o.

Thanks all of you.

Am reading more and more every day, trying to know all of you more. Have found gems everywhere.

I love to listen (almost as much as) talk.

OOPs. gotta go. Appointment.

Love

katleen:)

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  • 2 months later...

Wow. Did it again. Went into overdrive and bought supplies to leave. Am tired of my needs hurting others. Of being blamed, why don't I just quit doing...whatever,

My housemate's in bed. tired. Don't blame him. In most ways he's been supportive, but doesn't get it, and maybe doesn't want to.

My funding didn't come. Because of things I wrote and said and did, am only able to see PCP who's boss was L and I doctor that bullied and I screamed about. My fault. He was already my doc, I liked him, didn't see the future. Mental health people and DSHS people determined I don't qualify as needy enough for care from mental health. So I have emer services through the clinics behavioral health. Went twice, sobbing once, for sure, and they were annoyed with me. Well, it was grief I couldn't allow at home, cuz it upsets my housemate. That was awhile ago. But with hollering re care, evryone is writing everything down, and at this point not to my benefit. Can tell they were afraid of a lawsuit. An apology would have been nice. I'm flipping all the time. We have issues here at home, similar to issues at home when a kid. I can see I'm almost impossible to live with, I guess, deciding I need to leave all the time. Been told it's okay but doesn't offer help. Have written and written and am at this point powerless, both in making decisions and following through with them. Have been unable to work for two years, my grant is for 341.00 a month, not enough to support myself. Even with food stamps. Am trying to find help filing Soc SEcurity, but hasn't happened yet. My environment lacks structure. I try to create it, but am still unsuccessful even after two years.

Am ill, frightened of docs, and no family support. To talk to a bit is about it.

Went 18 years without symptoms of BPD, maybe no one wanted to tell me. Major depression, considered suicide seriously once but couldn't abandon my children. Since my divorce, and significant other things that happened since then involving trauma, I've overdosed on xanax three times. Once mad at my boyfriend using meth, wanted to scare him like he kept scaring me, another time in a relationship with a lawyer. Had melt down, went for help got on depakote and crashed. Life had been a disaster to that point. He didn't notice, either.

And then this relationship, which I thought would endure, has only stressed my housemate and there isn't a normal relationship any more. I can see I've been too dependent, haven't given enough, and keep getting more ill, in the wake of trying to be better. It's gotten to be this(the forum) is the only place I can honestly represent myself. With docs and professionals, there's so much inside then bits and pieces only come out, often further clouding the picture. Or maybe not. Maybe they see in me accurately what I don't. Consequences ae severe. He, my house mate, has a green card, I try not to use, but crashing mood is not good here and it's a quick lift. always been able to use DBT skills when needed, even though they've opened nrew frontiers for me. Also lack pain meds, can't do narcotics, and it helps that. But pay off is short term memory and disassociation is maxed. So, yes, I applied for shelter yesterday, thinking it best as there's no other way. Then got the judgmental, I just don't understand self destruction, from my sister. And what do I really want? Well, she's been buried in her stuff for so long, I've been the lisner for the most part, and afraid of her judgments and in survival when around her. My children are both very busy with their lives, no room for me and I couldn't be who they'd want anyway.

Am trying to stay up. Sometimes I talk, talk talk. Almost can't stand silence anymore, when with others. My housemate is silent a lot, not starting many conversations and short answers often, if any. It's really hard for me, esp since trying to stay out of my own thoughts. Am learning to do other things, mostly computer but will go to town some or walk around outside. Why does my existence have to hurt other people?

So, yes, I may very well go to the shelter Thursday. There's a cage manager to help with issues. We're a small town, with the rescue placce in the Methodist church so I expect relative safety. Not a huge homeless population here. I was self destructive in that I spent the only cash I had, but wanted to make sure I had basic stuff if caught in the cold. Go figure,

Any input appreciated. I keep coming to this place.

love and hugs

katleen

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Hi Luna

Okay? I guess. Wow. I went off again.

See my DOC this morning-we're going to see about what counseling we can get.

I do that. Am terrified of things sneaking up on me. I guess like not being wanted. We quarreled. I decided to leave and did a whole day and two nights of preparation. Have done this over and over. Am so tired of being a behavior problem, yet I am. But he got really upset this time, pulled away. I want to go. But so much is good. He says no, so have to break the pattern. Am going to ask about lamictal.

Don't even know what the other post says.

Got a scathing letter from my sister, got told, again, nothing but a spoiled selfish brat. Got that from my Mom at fourteen after being hospitalized and cutting.

You can move it over, I'll look at it. Thanks, all of you.

loves and hugs

katleen

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