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Don't know where it comes from


JustTrying
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It has been pointed out to me that I have been very angry and hostile lately. I must agree... but I do not know where it is coming from.... My life is good now ... I am almost happy all the time..... until I run across something that just crawls my ass.....

Been almost 5 months since I have been on the meds and really think I have things pretty much under control.... I quit the meds because in the summer I like to be Manic and I do not suffer very much with depression. I get soooo much done at 3 am while others are sleeping through this beautiful nights that we have been having. Sometimes I just sit outside and look at the stars.....

I want to apologize..... first and foremost and know that I will try to do better..... perhaps I just need to work on expressing myself better..... I do not FEEL angry..... just stating my opinion....

The world I live in we all talk that way and at first it use to hurt my feelings.... but then I started doing the same thing.... sorry to any that I offended.....

I need you all very much and are glad you all are here.... this is a great place! Heck! You all put up with me!!! LOL

Hugs, JT

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hey JT :)

Where I come from the way we all used to talk could be seen as hostile, I never used to see it. It was everyday speech. Infact it werent till I moved here that I realised just how bad it sounded. And how it could be interpretted (oops) Says a lot about me eh ? But its true, cursing every other word is the norm back home, and not offensive at all. Where as here, when I first came to the area, I had to explain that there is two types of cursing, one is everyday speech not directed at anybody, the other well yep thats offensive, subtle difference eh - you'd think they'd understand ;) Got fed up with having to explain myself in the end, and just tried to be more careful with my words. Hmmm dunno why I shared that with you, but well I know what you mean when you say that you live in a world where you all talk that way.

Im pleased that thiings are going good for you lately :(

Take care

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It has been pointed out to me that I have been very angry and hostile lately. I must agree. Thanks so much for being open and honest about this-- this alone can be a milestone for many folks, admitting that one has hurt others by their words.

JT, I used to have a trigger temper and it resulted in much damage over the years to myself and others. I used to become so angry that I would beat myself with my fists-- hit myself on the head, face and stomach. There were times my anger was so severe that I would run my head against the walls to the point of being knocked out. I was disturbed when I was younger and had such severe and complex PTSD that it interfered with everything around me. While I still have the temper, it no longer rules me, I've learned to self regulate and calm down quickly before I go "stupid". It may be that now, at my older age, I've become more of a left leaning marshmellow, as my kids would tell you.

.. but I do not know where it is coming from. It may not be as important, for now at least, to know where this is coming from--- a more critical piece is recognize that it's occurring. My question would not be why, but what: What are you doing to manage it? When does it occur and how often? What are the triggers and can you pull yourself away before the triggers result in an angry and hostile outburst? Does it hurt others?

... My life is good now ... I am almost happy all the time..... until I run across something that just crawls my ass..... This may be the key "until something crawls [up] my ass" since things don't just set you off-- it is how you decide or choose to respond, and I'm wondering if in this case it's less of a response and more of a reaction, one borne of not being able to self regulate your emotions.

Been almost 5 months since I have been on the meds and really think I have things pretty much under control. This is where I have trouble... if you had things "under control," then simple words on the screen would not affect you as they do. My thinking is that things are "under control" when nothing annoys, pressures, pushes or pulls you to a point of stress, and if even harmless words on the screen can set you off (such as when the Psych-nurse offered to join the forum), then your self-control may actually be very fragile at best.

I quit the meds because in the summer I like to be Manic and I do not suffer very much with depression. In another post you stated that your depresion causes you to SI or want to SI (I forgot which one it was), which suggests that maybe you may not see it as clearly as others might, or as your body will read it but your mind will not. Quitting the meds, especially for Bipolar Disorder, can result in what's called the Kindling effect, a very serious side effect of having relapses. If you get a chance, look it up, if you're interested-- it could easily save your life.

I get soooo much done at 3 am while others are sleeping through this beautiful nights that we have been having. Sometimes I just sit outside and look at the stars.....

I want to apologize..... first and foremost and know that I will try to do better..... perhaps I just need to work on expressing myself better..... I do not FEEL angry..... just stating my opinion....

The world I live in we all talk that way and at first it use to hurt my feelings.... but then I started doing the same thing.... sorry to any that I offended.....

I need you all very much and are glad you all are here.... this is a great place! Heck! You all put up with me!!! LOL

Hugs, JT

Thank you for this thread/post JT, my hope is that this awareness will lead to action on your part since being the at the other end of unwarranted hostility can be pretty tough and even painful.

David

Edited by David O
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Like I I said before.... sorry for the anger..... and hostility..... I really am a good person.... will do any thing I can for you .... even if it means I have to do without......MAYBE>>>>>>JUST MAYBE..... I should think about getting back on the meds.... but then I loose me..... I take Lithium.... Natural.... good for me..... but like I said I like being manic.....I don't know what to do..... I am happy right now with me... but I did not realize I was hostile... I thought I was having a good time.... JT

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Interesting. I got off meds on February 1st, after 5-6 years of taking an SSRI. Felt I needed to feel my feelings in order to get through this very challenging time. The people around me are also probably saying I'm edgy too. I've been keeping to myself a lot, but I have noticed that I'm very impatient when around others. Like if they chew gum I could just slap them ;) My cubicle partner is quite loud and negative, and I just want to go over there and give her a sermon.... so I'm being extra careful.

I too like being off the meds. I feel like I am coming alive again. I have more energy, I can make decisions and stick with it. At the end I was almost comatose with Celexa. I don't know where I'm going with this getting off meds. I don't know if I function better with them or without them since there are down sides both ways. Are you finding it a confusing experience? Is the criteria <as long as you function, keep your job and do your housework, then you're OK and you don't need meds>. Is life just plain tough, and I'm oversensitive to it because of trauma I've lived.

I thought Lithium was just a salt and in fact only balanced you out. I tried it for a few months when the psychologist thought I was bipolar. I put on about 20 pounds but otherwise nothun... What does it do to you that you don't like?

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Like I I said before.... sorry for the anger..... and hostility..... JT, the issue is not that one apologizes and all is forgiven, this short-circuits the real need to make behavioral and attitudinal changes-- one cannot un-ring a bell that has been rung repeatedly. My point is not to push you as much as it is to have you confront yourself, which is what I had to do, as have millions of other people when their behavior was challenging to others (and often themselves)

I really am a good person.... I'm not sure anyone questions this, I certainly don't! I think sometimes we do the best we can with who and where we are in life at that time.

will do any thing I can for you .... even if it means I have to do without......MAYBE>>>>>>JUST MAYBE..... I should think about getting back on the meds.... but then I loose me..... I take Lithium.... Natural.... good for me..... but like I said I like being manic. The question is not only if you like being you. My 1st wife of 18 years had Bipolar Disorder and loved the manic phases; however, we were a family, a community with 2 children and an extended family. My children were often confused and hurt by her behavior, as was the extended family, and I was constantly at a loss as to how to respond to her extremes in behavior (inclusive of the multiple affairs). Like you, she hated the meds, the Lithium robbed her of her personality, the Depakote did likewise-- but we could live with a little less personality and a little more consistency from day to day.

If you live in a vacuum, as a hermit, alone, then by all means, do as you want. If you want to relate and be in the world (family, friends, neighborhood) then like everyone else, there have to be compromises for all of us.

....I don't know what to do..... I am happy right now with me... but I did not realize I was hostile... I thought I was having a good time.... JT And this may be at the heart of the issue-- what you see is not what the world sees or experiences. The blinder one is, the more damage one can do if they are not careful. To some extent, we are all somewhat blind (read up on the Johari Window for fascinating way to look at this), but as our blindness increases, we can become careless and over time, even calloused and unthinking. I'm not at all suggesting this is where you are, only that this is the direction many take and the end result is much time by one's self--- isolated, separated and ostracized from others in ways a mental illness alone does not do.

In the end, the social responsibility is always ours when what we say is hurtful.

JT, please know that I shoot straight not b/c I'm insensitive and mean-spirited, but b/c it is compassion and honesty that is required here. To soften this and make it all seem as if it's just a minor issue is to deny you the right to see yourself more clearly. If you are denied this, then you are also denied the absolute right to make responsible decisions in relating to others. Would you have it any other way?

With great compassion and understanding,

David

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