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Sweetmom2
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Its good to share a feeling other wise it gets trapped inside of u. My m.i.l gave the keys to our house to my broth and sis.i.l to get a squash racquet. I was not aware of this and it happened last week when we were at the sea. I only found out about it tonight. I feel naked. My house wasnt in a good condition when we left and now i fear they saw that ugly side and got something to talk about me behind my back. My trust in my m.i.l has been broken. And i feel a huge disapointment towards myself together with regret. She didnt even ask our permission and the key was there for emergencies only! They are visiting us 2mor and ill hav to face them

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Hello sweetmom2...

I agree....it's good to get those feelings outside of yourself. Thank you for feeling safe enough to share them with us!! :(

I'm so sorry you felt your trust was betrayed by your mil and understand why you feel that way. Please don't beat yourself up over that. My house looks like a cyclone hit now too because I've been working crazy hours before going on vacation and after to catch up. (I can't believe the housecleaning fairies missed my house AGAIN!) But if it's something that you feel sensitive about then its a big deal!!

What would happen if you took the direct approach and explain to her that the key was for emergencies and that you don't feel comfortable with her lending your things or letting people into your house when you are not there?

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I was wondering if you have reason to believe they are judging you. I know that I sometimes freak out because I think somebody will judge me because of this or that and then it wasn't true.

I was wondering what a squash racquet is.

Also did you give your mother in law instructions on how to handle the key - what to do with it and what not to do with it? It usually helps to be clear about ones wishes. Your mother in law might not have realized she did something to cause you pain and fear.

Oh.. and I never apologize for the condition my house is in. If you like the way it is, you are so welcome to be here. If you don't like it, 'get out' (I don't say that, would be a bit too rude and into your face, but I don't try to accomodate other's judgement of me).

I hope you will adress the issue of the emergency key and the conditions which are attached to hand it out to others, not the issue of what state your house was in. I hope that the conversation goes (or may be went already) well and you find clarification and all of you find some understanding of what is expected and what is not permitted.

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Hi SweetMom

Know the following is wordy, and could probably be delivered in a softer voice, but this issue sparked something in me.

I also would have felt very violated, and so would your MIL I suspect had the same or similar occurred to her. 'Emergency' carries fairly clear connotations, and her inability or unwillingness to recognize appropriate action needs addressed by you to prevent further, possibly more severe, violation. Whether on paper or in person, can you establish clear guidelines for her future decisions, and let her know how you felt. If she is unable to participate in this conversation, get your key back or change locks. Period. It's your home.

My father's wife consistently failed to respect his daughter's lives, with gossip and nastiness and lies invisible to my Dad. Of course, we all blamed ourselves a great deal over the years, I mean, wasn't she just the perfect person, hair never mussed, always nice clothes, house clean and organized, never depressed,a do gooder and a hard act to be around, And my Dad's wife. But, she just got meaner and meaner and did incredible damage in the end. Her values and habits were hurtful. Am learning not to make excuses for people who hurt me, and to stop behavior effecting me negatively as soon as I can. Whether behavior triggers new pain, or pain from the past, I think we need to acknowledge boundry violations and respect ourselves now by saying no. Perhaps with time and trust we can expand, but only when we know people are willing to respect us. Standing up for ourselves when inappropriate things occur will bring respect in the long run, and maybe teach others more appropriate ways of acting, too.

Thanks for the space to share

love

katleen:)

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Good morning Sweetmom,

This is my 3rd attempt to get my head around this issue and I'm still struggling with how I read it and your reactions to your M.I.L's behavior.

My 1s mother in law interfered severely with our marriage, starting with her telling my new wife that she should have married Sam the attorney, or Micheal the MD, or even her least favorite boyfriend of years gone by, Steven the engineer... but, "Nnooooo, you married a Mexican (no mention that I was actually of Jewish roots, even tho I grew up in MX)!" She was destructive from the start, telling my children that their "Mexican" father was a loser, which is why he was abandoned in MX as a baby. In the end, she was simply a nightmare and I eventually stopped going to her home completely-- I voted with my feet. But you make no mention of your relationship with your MIL, so we are left to conjecture that it's an intrusive in-law and that there have always been problems when in reality it was your brother who went into your home and saw it, not your in-laws (although she gave him the keys).

In trying to view it from a reasonable adult perspective and this is what it sounds like: your brother needs to get a squash racket, your M.I.L. has the keys to the house where it is-- it would seem logical that if she has the keys that she would give them to him so he could quickly go in and get the racket (after all, he is your brother). This is what most adults would do, it's the reasonable and responsible thing to do: an unreasonable person would say nothing knowing they had the keys, pretend to know nothing, or say they had the keys but were not going to give them to him b/c of... I'm not sure what the rationale would be, but it would be hurtful to that relationship now (more so than a messy house) and there could be no avoidance of it. This seems very normal to me, he goes in, gets the racket and leaves. Your house is messy and he sees it in this shape. Essentially, the missing ingredient here is the context for your relationship with yuor in-laws and brother-- w/o this we're left in a vacuum. Please help me understand these connections and your response, it feels as if we're missing something, or at least I am while the rest of the planet has already figured it out.

So, I'm wondering if this is a disproportionate reaction to the situation or if this is an expression of frustration with intrusive in-laws that has gone on too long. I'm very familiar with overbearing and extremely intrusive and rude in-laws-- 18 years of familiarity; but, I'm also cognizant that some folks are extremely territorial and feel easily violated by the slightest of movements from elsewhere. And there are many variations of this in between.

Sweetmom, I realize this sounds challenging and even insensitive, and this is certainly not my intent. I just want to be clear b/c I'm not sure where the issue really is, and it could be that I'm very dense-- which is not unheard of.

David

Edited by David O
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Good morning Sweetmom,

This is my 3rd attempt to get my head around this issue and I'm still struggling with how I read it and your reactions to your M.I.L's behavior.

David,

there is a thing that might be a little tough to understand for a man. I usually try to not make a difference between man and woman, but there are still a few social rules that apply to women and not to men and to men that do not apply to women.

(what I started to write and deleted the rest)

---------

hm... something happened. In writing the response to you and in posting it and then reading it again, I realized 'this is wrong'. So I attempted to edit and make it 'right' and I can't. I got a knot there in my understanding and I need to resolve it first.

One thing, I could fully related and 'understand' sweetmom's feelings there, but no longer so sure about the possible explanations.

Edited by Unbekannt
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You're right... and there are so many things each of the genders misses that the other picks up easily, to the stunning amazement of the other gender. This may be where you'll have to educate me b/c despite my unfounded belief that I'm an intuitive and insughtful male, I still can't escape that evolution and biology. So, please help me understand... and this is open to everyone for I'm the only chico who responded.

Like you, I can understand Sweetmom's reaction (although she's been absent for a few days now) but the logic behind it escapes me... so I assume there is history we don't know about, or context we're missing, or something else.

Edited by David O
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I have to laugh at you David, yes you are a chico but you seem to be a "feminine" guy :D and I mean that in a very complimentary way.........

Thats good though we good women like the guys who are sensitive and gentle and respectful but yes you can easily say we women have some kind of intuitive thing going on that you guys just don't get. And woman to woman ugh some of us just clash like you would't believe. As you know it is because we are wired differently, right??? :)

Then add a woman who thinks she is queen of the family mearly because she is the oldest and then add more women to the mix like daughters, nieces and grandkids and you have a very overbearing queen bitch!!!

Now I have to say I have seen some mother in laws that are wonderful and I wonder why there aren't more around!!! So the generation clash continues and the saga goes on and I only hope I am not like my mother in law to my kids and their spouses.... :(

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Hi,

I think giving someone a key to my home incase of emergency is clearly not in case somebody needs a squash racquet, be it a brother or anyone, mil doesn't have permission based on other family members wants or perceived needs to allow others to invade the home for convenience,.

Being a woman, and having PTSD, I am sooo sensitive to personal boundary

violations, and home is a big one. It is sanctuary. I guess I feel Sweetmom acted, and reacted, appropiately, unless there is something about a squash raquet being an emergency that I don't know. MIL acted, probably without much thought, but she failed to respect Sweetmom's instructions about the key.

love

katleen

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Katleen, you're right, I stand corrected. I missed that "emergency" word... major difference now. And, being a man also with severe and complex PTSD, I too am sensitive about boundaries, and I try to make sure my peculiarities don't rule how others have to behave around me. But since it was made clear at the outset that the key was only for emergency purposes, then Sweetmom's reaction is in fact understandable. Thanks for clearing that up.

Linda, my kids tell me I'm no chico, but in truth, I'm metro-sexual-- WTF

Edited by David O
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David O

Thank you for helping me recognize something in myself, I'm ignorant re men and PTSD, other than seeing my father break at one point re the war.

Had a conversation with my 30 yr old son, he mentioned a metro/goth angst representing youngsters today? Do you know more about this, David O? I apologize if I seem blunt. I am. But not with any unkindness. Being able to talk back and forth like we have is awesome. Linda, I agree to your choice. Can only guess at how difficult it must have been. We as one time victims have to learn to say no to inappropriate behavior in our lives to grow and heal.

Anyway, let's do his again soon, if everyone's okay?:().

love

katleen

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Linda, where have you been...? :( Ask one of your older children. :)

David will love this definition:

"Metrosexual: Modern enlightened, sort of renaissance man. Secure and confident, capable and cool, typically well educated and stylish.

Technically, the word was created improperly and is very much misnamed. Sexual should be taken out of the word because the sexual part of metro sexual is merely to relate the term to homosexual. In actuallity, metrosexuality has nothing to do with sexuality at all. A metrosexual is just a man who cares a great deal about outward appearance and sensitivity.

From Urbandictionary.com.

I can imagine you this way David! :D And I'll be so happy if you aren't one of the macho types, somehow that doesn't fit with the image I have of you. Please thank your children for the info. :-D

And Sweetmom, I apologise for this hijack of your thread. FWIT, I think I get how you felt. There are people I wouldn't mind hunting through my house for anything and then there are people who I would not want scratching around past the entrance. :mad:

Edited by Luna-
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Good grief this entire thread has taken some turns and leaps-- this is what I love about our family, things flow smoothly (99% of the time) so often despite the great disparity among us all. And yet, many people's needs are met, problems solved, issues discussed, compassion and soulfulness is shared.

You guys are such a gift!!!!!

Sweetmom, see what you've started, a big ole love fest!!!!:eek: Never thot there would be this silver lining on that cloud.

So back to you sweetmom, how are things going now, days after the initial concerns you had. How did it go with your visit with your famil;y and M.I.L?

Ciao Chicas muy lindas,

David

Edited by David O
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Her good side...fab looking, great taste and great cook.smting my mom isnot. So i look to her for guidance. She doesnt have sensitivity and she lacks showing love. My mom has those. Yea she is a dominating, perfectionistic bitch! Though she does admit she isnt perfect and apologises if she realized she messed up. Luckily for me our gate was locked and they didnt have the keys for the gate. B-)

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Her good side...fab looking, great taste and great cook.smting my mom isnot. So i look to her for guidance. She doesnt have sensitivity and she lacks showing love. My mom has those. Yea she is a dominating, perfectionistic bitch! Though she does admit she isnt perfect and apologises if she realized she messed up. Luckily for me our gate was locked and they didnt have the keys for the gate. B-)

Good morning Sweetmom,

I found this comment, plus what else appeared on this thread, a bit strongly worded so thot to ask if there might not be more to this issue than simply the keys being handed to your brother? There is an old saying: If you want to study yourself -- look into the hearts of other people. If you want to study other people -- look into your own heart. I'm not suggesting anything as much as I'm wondering if there is something missing from this equation that is much larger than the issue of the keys and a messy house and possibly intrusive in-laws?

David

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