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No Bad News


goose
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Well my latest coping strategy is not to tell my Husband any bad news.

I can't cope with him not coping, so it's easier not to tell him.

His first reaction would be "You can't be serious!" - like it's all my fault - I'm only the messenger.

I have a suspicion that I am only enabling him, but If I tell no-one, it stays in my head and I don't get grief from anyone else. I hate to see the disappointment and worry on my childrens faces, so why should I burden them either.

The latest bad news which happened on Wednesday, well it gets harder to tell anyone the longer I leave it. I think I want to block it out too - I dealt with it, it's over for now ( a short reprieve).

Goose

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But goosey, the difference is that we do know you're serious; that you're not the cause, only the messenger.

The difficulty with your plan is that you end up carrying the world alone, and if you remember, Atlas was a Titan, not a human.

Spread it around, if you can, sweety. We can take it.

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Thanks Malign for your support.

It's the usual story, I get a call about my son, I cry, I deal with it, I feel hopeless, helpless, useless, suicidal, homicidal, talk about it in therapy, then I pick myself up and try and forget about it until the next time.

Goose

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Doesn't that make it always a surprise, goosey?

I'm not sure what the calls are about (which son, for instance), but maybe there's something you can do in that between-time that would improve things?

Personally, I particularly enjoy the homicidal phase of that sequence. :-)

For one thing, I've just started to realize that anger doesn't have to be a bad thing, so long as it's dealt with responsibly. I've come to realize that I only really lose patience with somebody when I feel like they're abusing me, and that's important information that I used to stuff away somewhere. Now the trick will be to use that information to make it stop.

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Oh, the calls are always about the 16 year old. :( I have seen the inside of 4 local police stations at this stage.

Calls about my 14 year old now that certainly would be a surprise, I doubt anyone outside the family knows he exists - he is so quiet and well behaved.

The anger is always directed at myself - I am convinced that I am responsible for the way my son has turned out, I have ruined his life with my avpd - I'm almost never angry at him. Although I do think he has to take responsibility for his own actions, and I make sure he does.

Goose

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What about the family members who weren't avoidant?

It seems odd to blame the avoidant one for having the biggest effect on her surroundings.

How has your son "turned out", exactly? He's sixteen, and he's obviously angry, but that happens to a lot of sixteen-year-olds, really. It seems a bit early to write him off as damaged, and yourself as the culprit.

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I believe my son had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), although this has never been officially diagnosed, he had been diagnosed with ADHD and comprehension problems.

ODD can be caused by harsh parenting - his Dad can take responsibility for that one.

He needed a strong advocate growing up - with my avpd I was not as good at it as I should have been.

He has already had 3 cautions from the junior liason officer before Wednesdays incident, public order offences - I think the limit is 3 and then you get taken to the Children's Court.

Anyhow we are awaiting specialist Family Therapy, geared for teenagers who have behaviour problems. I hope it helps.

Goose

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I've wondered at times if my being anxious and likely overprotective has had a negative impact on my daughter, who is very socially anxious and is barely functional out in public. I've also had feelings of self-blame for not speaking up to my husband about his drinking sooner, allowing her to be in that environment for too long. But then I began to see that being consumed by these thoughts was not helping her now. When it comes down to it, none of us are ever perfect parents. We can only do our best and love and care for our children the best way we know how. Helping yourself by going to therapy is a great way to help your son as well. I have a brother who had several run-ins with the law during his teen years who has now become a fine citizen and parent in his adult years. There is definitely hope that things will change in a positive way. Beating yourself up about the past can't change things for the better now. You've made steps toward helping your son with scheduling therapy. This is proactive. I hope you will be gentle with yourself, Goose. I also hope the therapy helps.

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Hi Goose, My daughter got on a bad track between the ages of 14-16, shopliftings, drugs, ... What worked for her was being assigned a <mentor>, or someone in her age range who me with her regularly and coached on seeing what the consequences of her choices would be if she continued on that track. The girl was assigned through a program in place as a consequence of the shop lifting offence, the punitive potion was meetings with her regularly. It really woke her up because it came from an older peer - my daughter did not like her, but it did clear up her head... I don't know if they have those types of programs available in your area??? Just a thought..

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I'm really glad I shared this with you all.

Some times I feel so alone with my problems, and getting some feedback stops my mood spiriling down.

I do want to get away from the guilt that I have - I cannot change the past - and actually the past is not all bad - I spent some time today looking at old photos of us as a family and all the good times we enjoyed together.

Thanks again

Goose

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