Is this normal or should I be concerned?

[foxxxy]

I am divorced from my 13 yr old daughter's father. I am remarried now. Recently I have noticed my daughter has become quite attached to my new husband. She follows him around everywhere and always wants to "hang out" with him.

My daughter has never been the type to show a lot of physical emotion like hugging, holding hands or even a pat on the back. Lately she is hanging all over my husband. Hugging him asking for piggy back rides ect.

I hadn't really taken these things serious, until my mom had mention something about it.

My questions are:

Is it normal for a 13 yr old to have a “crush” on her step father?

I have heard that it is normal for daughters to seek “special” attention from males especially if the relationship between a girl and her bio father is not very good, is this true?

How should I handle this? I do not want my daughter to mistake actions for something it is not. My husband is a very sensitive man, he hugs our kids all the time and “cuddles” with them.

Thank you for your help!

[Mark]

foxxxy,

Is it normal for a 13 yr old to have a “crush” on her step father?

I have heard that it is normal for daughters to seek “special” attention from males especially if the relationship between a girl and her bio father is not very good, is this true?

How should I handle this? I do not want my daughter to mistake actions for something it is not. My husband is a very sensitive man, he hugs our kids all the time and “cuddles” with them.

I really don't know what is normal in this regard and what is not. If you are concerned about this, you would want to talk to other parents of teenagers to see what their experience has been. It is also possible that you might consult a child or family therapist. If you do that (consult a professional), be aware that the elephant in the room suspicion to be ruled out will be that there could be sexual abuse happening here that would need to be reported. Such fears would be concerned with how physical your daughter has become around your husband possibly being interpreted as evidence of premature exposure to sex. Is an actual sexual relationship here between your husband and your daughter a possibility at all? Sorry to raise such an ugly spector, but it will be on people's minds, and it does unfortunately happen from time to time. Knowing that this is or isn't happening is something you should be very clear on before you start talking to people about the situation.

I don't think there is necessarily anything more sinister happening here than that your daughter has felt stressed out by the events in her life, finds your husband to be emotionally accessible, and is attracted to that, and the possibility of healthy appropriate father daughter physical contact. At age 13, your daughter is half a child and half an adult. It is very normal for there to be affectionate physical contact (hugs, etc.) between children and parents, and this tends to taper off as children become true adults. If this was not an option for her in earlier parental relationships (such as with her biological father), it may be that she is attracted to it (the possibility for healthy physical hugs and such) with your new husband, and this need not be sinister at all - in fact it may be a real gift that your husband can give all of you in the family (e.g., that he can show you how to be more affectionate).

I would think the starting place is a discussion with your husband so as to get his own opinion about what it all means, and then a discussion with your daughter so as to rule out the possibility of inappropriate sexual contact as best you can.

[needsomehelp]

Hi,

I'm not sure I can help, because I'm going through the same thing. However, I think in response to Mark, some 13 year olds are more mature than others. My daughter acts a lot younger around my husband now -- no piggy back rides, but other sort of pouting, babyish episodes. I am concerned, but I'm not sure if the concern is because I'm afraid of what she will do, or afraid of what he will do. There are so many stories out there of terrible things growing out of these situations.

At the same time, my daughter's relationship with her father is failing at best, she sees him only very rarely. So her relationship with my husband is that much more important for both her and I.

I would be very interested in learning what you decide to do.

Best of luck!