Over-react, me ???

[SweetSue]

I find myself yet again feeling like a damn fool.

I over-react, I am over-sensitive, and then like a bull in a china shop allow my emotions to blow.

Even when I realise Im over-reacting, and try tone my reactions down, and to a certain degree even manage it - kinda

And it dont matter none, either, when others are kind enough to point this out to me, coz when Im caught up in it all, it just adds to the emotions and wierdly makes me worse, just gives me that extra bit of ammo to throw at myself,

Its not till hours later, when I finally manage breathe that little bit of calmness, look at the mess around me that I have created, and thats when I finally realise what a damn idiot I really behave like.

How just one thought can control me so completely, get blown to a whole other proportion, level and dimension of its own.

It dosnt even have to be something major that sets me off, something simple, like messing things up for the upteenth time of trying, or yet again forgeting the obvious. Something so small and insignificant, becomes so frigging huge.

Over-react, me - nah ofcourse not, may aswell add denial to my ever growing list of faults

[Lindamomof7]

No faults, Sue... just life is throwing you some curve balls and I dont know exactly what has set you off but it's ok to blow and let it all out!!!

Dont forget though you are on meds and hopefully you are taking them so allow yourself some ok time and know it could be side effects to the meds, your illness or just a real crappy day.... we are all there right with you Sue.... so hang in there... tomorrow will be a better day...

[SweetSue]

hmmm, I dunno whats set me off so much lately, probably be easier for me to try work out what hasnt. And d'ya know I cant think of anything, so guess either now Im getting damn selective memory like my stupid parents had, or I really do need to take a "chill pill"

Im taking my meds, although I hate them, with a vengence, and one of them always gets lodged, its like one of those darn plastic coated things, and then for the next dunno how long, but too long, thats all I can taste, despite my best efforts to rid it - yuk !!! (ashamed to say I even managed to over react to having to taking my meds aswell,) Dunno how people manage to still be civil to me.

Dunno if I can blame the pills, or my illness, but I suppose its an option, why didnt I think of that, Im usually good at finding excuses for my behaviour

I guess if Im aware I stand a chance of leveling myself out, just have to try harder, stop being such a drama queen and if all else fails, put it down to a shitty day .......

Theres allways another day , tomorrow

[Lindamomof7]

Oh yes there are plenty of shitty days... so stomp your feet, scream , yell and get it all out

then have some chocolate ice cream with a cherry on top...

[SweetSue]

Linda

Thats funny

Stomping my feet, screaming and yelling, etc... is kinda just the type of over-reacting that I was on about.

And although it is kinda funny, in a warped, demented ironically sarcastic kinda way, its also unnacceptable demorolising and embarrasing and I reckon I have to try harder to change how I am.

Im getting too old to keep throwing things outta my pram,

Maybe Im just becoming more self aware, and just not liking the person Im aware of. Think Im finally seeing what others see in me, and its not nice.

Time to go "sulk" for a while - I mean contemplate

Ice Cream seems to be doing the rounnds tonight, kinda glad mines chocolate Ice Cream with a cherry on top - Thankyou

[Lindamomof7]

------------------------

[SweetSue]

hmmm, well back inside again

got myself in a right state last night, and well look where that got me, a nice little room with en-suite for the next few days - well done Sue :mad:

I have got to STOP this crap. :mad:

Why the heck cant I just deal with this hand ive been given, its so frigging simple, what I hear isnt always what has been said, what I see dosnt always exisist. When will I get it into this thick brain cell of mine !!!! And learn to tell the difference, damn Im so upset with myself.

[katleen]

Dear SweetSue,

I read your post. Hopefully you are sleeping now.

Just hugs. Don't despair. Grief is crazy makin.

love

katleen:)

[Symora]

That's what I was getting from your posts as well SweetSue, you are in a deep grieving process and it's a roller coaster ride. A few weeks back I was some angy, for no reason really, just seathing anger within myself, and I was lashing at anyone that came in contact with me. I know it has to do with the anger I was feeling about the injustice of what I have lived in recent years. It is not fair and I don't feel I deserve it, and I'm upset about that.

I've also noticed that your posts have more negative language about yourself lately, and as we all know that is never good... When I do that I end getting this feeling like I want to get out of my skin, just escape from myself, and since I can't really do that, I end up all frustrated and I easily lash out. Acceptance, that sure is a difficult one isn't it!

[SweetSue]

im just dissapointed in myself, but beyond that point.

cant take back things i have done, things that have happened, taken, lost. irreplaceable loved ones gone forever, knowing they are out there some where, but like heck I aint gonna ever know anything about them. too much , just to damn much idk.

im grumpy, fed up with it all and just so sick of myself not being myself.

its hard to even pretend to be possitive about myself when, ive screwed up so damn much, lost like everything, and left with this really annoying stupid self that just dont work anymore.