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Tired of it all...


jimmyfay2
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Hi everyone,

I'm sitting here at 2am dreading another day of fear and relentless dark thoughts. I have been struggling with what one doctor called an "existential depression". I am obsessed with all of the painful, unanswerable questions of life. I am constantly bombarded with thoughts of death, pain and the pointlessness of life. What's even more frustrating is knowing that I'm doing it to myself. I was exactly where I am now back in 1992 and was able to come out of that episode with an amazing lust for life and total lack of irrational fear. I was able to join the Navy and work on submarines. I was able to start a band and perform in front of huge crowds of people. Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being afraid. I can't drive my car without thinking I'm going to die. I can't lay in bed without being terrified of death. I feel totally trapped and hopeless. I am at the end of my rope, so to speak. I know I won't harm myself, which is part of why I feel trapped. I also know, on some level, that this will pass. I suppose I just need to vent because it seems like I have nobody to talk to about this. I also know that the fact that I've been drinking excessively is only making things worse, but, I can't seem to stop that either. It has become my lifeline. I spend every waking moment looking forward to 6pm when I can slam down the first drink. Once the booze takes hold, I feel ok for a bit, then I get tired, fall asleep as soon as my wife comes home, then wake up at 1am, covered with sweat, unable to fall asleep and the whole cycle starts up again. I lay in bed, staring at the clock, then the ceiling, then the clock again... I can't remember what it's like to not feel this way! ugh...

I don't know what I'm seeking by writing this down, I just feel the need to reach out right now...

Thanks for listening...

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Hi Jimmy, nice to have you with us :-)

I wish I was there with you so we could belt it down together :cool:... I'm also going through an existential crisis of sorts so I can relate. I guess I don't have to tell you that the booze is a depressant and just making it worse, you already know that. Are you talking to a therapist about it? Taking medication? Is there something in your life which has triggered this new onset of depression? I don't feel the fear you seem to feel, but the 'existential crisis' thing is not easy to live that's for sure...

I have found the people in this forum to be quite helpful and encouraging, and helped me through a tough time. Just having people to talk it with and who understand can be quite helpful...

Hope you feel better soon Jimmy!

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Symora,

Thanks for responding. It helps to know that there are people out there who "get it". My wife tries to understand, but, has a certain amount of fear, or willful ignorance regarding depression and anxiety. I've made a sort of peace with that, mostly because I know that nobody can change this but me. You asked if I was on medication. I am not. I tried everything under the sun when I was younger, but, nothing worked until I learned relaxation techniques, meditation, writing in a journal and ultimately learning to just let go. Acceptance is such a HUGE tool in getting over these things. It's funny that right now I am starting a new job that requires me to be VERY high up on ladders... I have had a fear of heights for some time now, and the thing I have to do to get through the day is let go. ( Yes, I get the irony of letting go on ladders!! ) I have to just calmly climb up, one step at a time, and accept that I am going to be alright... that I am in control of all that I can control... everything else is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do about that.

Man am I rambling! That was some good coffee... speaking of stimulants etc... I am aware that alcohol is a no go when it comes to depression. I am using it as a crutch for when I am really having a hard time. I have three children under the age of 8 so, when my wife gets home ( after 7:30pm ) I sequester myself, have a shot and a beer and feel 'normal' for a few hours before bed.

I guess the bottom line for now is that I want to thank you for reaching out to me... it really helps. I'll keep you posted on how it's going...

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Did not sound like rambling to me.... actually I liked the reminder about letting go. I've had jumbledupmind this week, trying to keep it all together as were but, but I perhaps needed to do some acceptance, not get all wrapped up in it. I'm trying to process the loss of 3 close family members in the last couple of years, and sometimes it feels like I don't get life anymore, it all feels very surreal. How come you're going through an existential crisis?

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Hi again!

Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'm feeling MUCH better. I've been sleeping better, not drinking as much, and have adopted ( or should I say re-adopted, if that's a word! ) an attitude of acceptance toward life. Things are still a bit up and down day to day, but, that's how life is. Overall, I am doing well. I just completed two weeks of what I call exposure therapy. I had to climb 38' ladders which were hanging on a wire suspended between 40' poles. It was HORRIBLE the first time... but got progressively easier each time thereafter. I realized I could apply the same attitude toward the challenges in my life. Instead of looking at the huge pile of things I had to accomplish, I started to look at one thing at a time. Then, I'd tackle that one thing, and if I got it done, great. If not... no big deal. Same with the ladders. If I looked at all the stuff I had to do ( setting up the ladder, climbing the ladder, strapping myself to the wire once I ascended, working on what I had to do while atop the ladder and so on... ) I was overwhelmed. Taking it literally one rung at a time made all the difference.

Once again, thanks for being there for me to vent to. I'm sure I'll be back from time to time... but that's ok with me!

Talk to you soon,

Jimmyfay2

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