clearing the air

[ruby1]

I have decide that to help my bipolar partener i must help myself first by being honest about my feelings.

When i was really young my parents separated for about 6 months and we stay at the grandparents place. I was always left home with my mums uncle usually on my own sometimes with the other kids in the house.

Mums uncle started by telling me to jump under his blankets because it was cold and putting on kids show to keep me in the room. This slowly turned to him giving me a hug which didn't feel so right to me. After a few weeks he started putting his hand in my shirt. This made me real uncomfortable and i told him i would tell my mum, He told me that i couldn't because she wouldn't believe me and i would get in trouble. I cried all the time and begged my mum to take me when she went out almost daily leaving me with him.

Slowly this got worse until he was making me masterbate him while he did they same to me. I felt really bad about myself all the time but i kept his secret because i was to scare to tell my mum because i truely did think i would be in trouble.

Mum finally went back to dad and i never spoke of this to anyone but things would constantly remind me of this. I would wake at night and i could smell him and here his breathing feel his touch.

When i was 15 i finally got a boyfriend who seemed really nice we had sex for the first time when i was 16 and a few months late i finished high school and moved away for home to live with him. It was ok for a few weeks and then if i said no to sex he would punch me and chook me while i was forced to do oral sex and more. This was my life for the next few months until i overdose on painkillers to escape him a friend helped me and the found me a place to stay.

After this i had many failed relationship that all led to abuse or the guy sleeping around. I have a loverly boy from one of the parteners along the way and i see him as the only good thing to come of this time in my life.

Until i met my current partener i never really loved any one and i hated sex any form of forplay always left me feeling bad reminding me of my childhood

I would always do most sex acts because i learned really quick not to say no. I became great at pretending it was great . I couldn't let go of the relationships when they ended and even thou i didn't love these people i wanted them to stay because it was better than being alone.

When i met my partener the man i really do love that tought me so much. I was so confused by how different i felt it scared me. I was currently the other woman in a relationship with his "mate". He held my hand and and hugged me when this was going wrong and one day he told me he really like me. We slept together while his mate was with his girlfriend and he said if I was his girl he would never leave me. I wanted him to stay but my mind kept saying he will be like the other he will use me and leave so i went back and slept with the devil I knew for the first time this felt really wrong .

For the fisrt time i was finally in a relationship i wanted but i was in self destruct mode all the time i would tell him nasty things all the time or complain everytime he left my side spoke to others I just couldn't cope with this new feeling of "love". After our first son was born it got worse and i went to my parents to stay the "devil" was there and he was sleeping with my mum I told my brother he went off and mum and the devil left. But not before she told my partener i did the dirty on him with the devil. After that he did the dirty over and over again saying it was my fault.

We moved to the country to start a new life and i had my drink spike and was raped but he wouldn't believe me saying i was sleeping arouund again.

Finally this stopped and we were finally happy with each other until he had a serious bipolar episode and kept yelling at me about our past saying he hated me for it.

I know he never ment most of what he said but some of it he did we are now going to get some help for us both.

I wasn't really keen until i came on here and now i see that i need help to stop me from doing the same old things. I had admitted about 10 years ago that i was abused but i have nwver talked about it and as much as i hate it i know it is still affecting our relationship because i still do thing sexually that i dont like to keep him happy and then when we argue i will tell him i hate it and now he wont have sex with me because i have him hurt and confused. Some things i didn't like i miss when he stops and i then i confuse him even more by saying i wont it.

I feel that i cant make him understand me and i cant really help him till i help my self. This is my first step its out there all of it and now i can get help for us easier. I might even show him this

Thank you all for listening to me rave on and on

[Symora]

Hi Ruby, sounds like you've been through a lot... It's a good thing that you are reaching out and trying to see how you can improve your relationship by helping yourself. It's the most important thing really, the only place we really have any power. One step at a time my dear.....

[katleen]

Go Ruby!

Lots of hugs for your courage.

Me, too. The stuff from abuse.

Hug yourself lots.

love

katleen

[SweetSue]

Hi Ruby,

I hope your ok, after sharing this with us.

Are you seeing a therapist, to help you with all you have been through ?

Hope today is kind to you

Take care

[ruby1]

I am feeling ok about talking about all a this here.

The parts that i hate are that my mother knew he was like it because he did the same to her at a similar age. I wonder what kind of mother would basically hand he child to a predator like that.

The other being that When i found out about mum and the ex she left and then rang to speak to me a while later and we had a big fight and i finally told her. It felt good that it was finally out there but My dad was so upset about not being there to help me and the a few short months later he passed away ever since i feel like i should have wait to say anything because he died burdened by this and it wasn't fair.

I also hate the way it all still affects my sex life even thou i truely love my partener thee are still time my past cime but to get me at intament times. Due to this horrid man and the guy that beat me up i still find that i cant say no to acts that i dont like and then if we argue about stuff i start accusing him of making me do stuff.

I talked to him gently about this last night but i had to stop because he his still very depressed. i now have hope for a better future thou