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Man with hidden agenda?


sadgreeneyes
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Is there any reason I should be friends with someone who is a friend of my ex abuser? This is the story : I cut my ex abuser off, wouldn´t let him abuse or use me sexually anymore, he raged on me, but didn´t rape me as he tried to, some days later he presented his friend to me ( in a bar) , think I got abused by proxy, when my ex abuser chosed to leave not wanting to be responsible for the abuse by proxy, I sat left with his friend. The friend said his intentions are only to be friends with me ( as I said I´m not interested in a r/s with anyone and protected me) Half hour later I got him to say "and maybe something more later". I said no, no, no, that would never happen and I´m sorry.

I can say that many weeks earlier my abusive ex tried to hook me up with this friend, EVEN he himself had sex with me the same night. How abnormal isn´t that!

Now this friend don´t nag on me or try something, but I don´t know what to think about his messages. It´s all from what he had till dinner, his work, what I like, and today what colour I like and if I am an out door person and that I should be free to wonder what I want about him. Wanted me to comment his love poems.

Seriously, why should I wonder something about him, I don´t know him, and after all he is friend of my ex abuser. I want a private life and I have, but feel that being friends with this guy is the same as letting both him AND my ex abuser having control over me, what I do with my life.

I don´t even know why I ask this, but is there any reason I should give this guy a chance to be a friend? I don´t want to be rude or seem like a bad person, but I think this is not good intentions from him.

So I still ask how does a good male friend behave? do you think too this guy has a hidden agenda?

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I must add that one day he called he said he would rather go out with a beautiful woman than to go out with his friend(s).

In my opinion that sounded like quite something else than a friend.

One time he said as a joke : and later one day dinner followed by no, just joking.

But it´s not often he message. That is good. Still not sure do I like this.

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GreenEyes,

Hi, and welcome to the boards...Glad you are sharing all this.

I think I would be hard pressed to guess at this guys intentions but just the fact that this ex abuser introduced/set you up is a big RED FLAG to me. Think I would worry less about worrying whether if you'll hurt his feelings or not and worry about not making yourself available to be a victim to someone new.

I agree to that being friends opens the door to him and ex-abuser having access and control of your life. Right now focus on regaining the control of your own life. Do you really need another 'friend' right now, or a chance to get yourself back together after the last guy?? :) Care for yourself sweetie, your new 'buddy' can handle himself.

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I must add that one day he called he said he would rather go out with a beautiful woman than to go out with his friend(s).

RED FLAG>>>RED FLAG. :eek: All the complements with diffusing after, this is so manipulating. This is what men say to women they feel are 'easy targets' to feel them out and see if they can be broken down to go against their better judgment. ( Been there, done that!! ) It sounds like this guy is trying to work you.

My gut reaction is to say "run, don't walk away!" I guarantee he would/will turn it around on you and say you are judging him for ex-abusers mistakes and try to talk you out of it. But don't listen. Just walk away.

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DahliMomma,

thank you so much, your advice was of much value to me and I am glad you also agreed being friends with him would be the the same as letting a door open to them both, which isn´t good. I don´t need this friend at all, I personally have no interest being his friend since he is my ex abusers friend, it makes me feel like an object, as my ex say "just take over, maybe you will have luck" or "good luck", I didn´t chose it myself, but got thrown into it. It feels like all I say will be reported to my ex abuser. Or they will somehow talk.

Usually abusers are friends with abusers. I also have a feeling that this guy can be extremely manipulative if he wants.

I never message him if he doesn´t message first and if he message I only write simple responses to not get involved.

Thank you, I will think very hard about this and not getting myself involved.

I think to he will do just fine, why should he chose to go out with me when he can be with his male friends, it doesn´t make sense. And why he thinks I am interested in going out with him I don´t understand. I believe it would be to have control, them both, him and my ex abuser, I wont let that happen.

Many hugs,

Sadgreeneyes

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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RED FLAG>>>RED FLAG. :eek: All the complements with diffusing after, this is so manipulating. This is what men say to women they feel are 'easy targets' to feel them out and see if they can be broken down to go against their better judgment. ( Been there, done that!! ) It sounds like this guy is trying to work you.

My gut reaction is to say "run, don't walk away!" I guarantee he would/will turn it around on you and say you are judging him for ex-abusers mistakes and try to talk you out of it. But don't listen. Just walk away.

Thank you! so much! I am so thankful for you saying this and value my thoughts, that they are right. I have had a feeling this isn´t right, but a man with hidden agenda.

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