How does this sound?

[sadgreeneyes]

How does this sound : He is X and I am Y.

X :I don´t go out often, I usually go out with two friends, I know no women, I have a colleague, he has female friends, I can ask him ( his plans), we can meet at his place, you will be picked up and I accept if you have other suggestions.

Y : Since I don´t know anyone of you I would prefer meeting in town first, I don´t mean anything wrong, but I like to step carefully, where does he live? do you mean tonight or till weekend?

X: Or we can meet out, I take my norwegian colleague with me and you take with you a friend of yours ( then we wont have any prelude)

Here he made a command I take my friend out. Why does it have to be two men two women to go out? to not get boring? what is the deal?

Y : All my friends has children so I can´t make that unfortunately.

X: I understand and that I like, I meant at the weekend, you decide, friday or saturday

Y. Friday is best I think, if that is ok. But I can´t make a friend going with me. Take with you your buddy and we can sit all 3 ( now I made my own command)

X: Ok, see you tomorrow, hug

[sadgreeneyes]

I guess it sounds all fine, but why it has to be two men two woman I don´t understand. It sounds like he need his friend to have a woman because this guy intention is to talk to me all the time. I get a suspicion he isn´t out to be with friends, but with me.

Anyway, I guess I will see quickly if he gets overly interested to the point I will puke, then I RUN!

I wont forget the RED FLAG DahliMOMMA gave me, where he said he´s rather go out with a beautiful woman than with his friends. What the heck is wrong with me, I should know just by that sentence he´s out to be with me, I am so easy to fool. How could I forget in all this.

[malign]

GreenEyes,

You may have already thought about it, some more, but maybe I can help with some questions.

Do you like him? Not necessarily as a man, but, is he interesting, fun, or anything? I mean, you wouldn't hang out with a woman that you didn't at least think was interesting or nice, would you?

It seems to me that he'll keep asking you, in different ways, until you tell him "no". After all, the reasons you're giving him might make him think there's still a chance, if he changes the conditions.

Cultures are different; here in the U.S., it might be possible for a single man and a single woman to go out together, without feeling like a date. Usually, it's better if they are already friends, so that they know each other well enough to know each other's intentions. It's still easy for people to make mistakes, and get hurt.

If even that is unusual, in your culture (and you'd have to be the judge of that), then trust your instincts, and don't be afraid to act on them.

Most languages have a word for "no". :-)

[DahliMOMMA]

Hey, GreenEyes,

Well, I am glad that you are trying to make a situation out with this guy feel as safe/comfortable as possible. Maybe it's good to have a night out with others to see if you are interested/comfortable being around him.

I hope that you don't take my "RED FLAG" post as 100% literal.**RED FLAG was my way of noting my strong gut reaction to the dialog/ behavior you mentioned in your post.** He may be a very nice man despite his association w/ the ex... He also might be a real creep trying to manipulate you into getting comfortable with him. The way you describe your interactions with him could be manipulation to prey on you as a weaker person (per ex) or maybe he'd trying to move into the friend role in order to get close and hopefully be more. This varies by person (and culture is a big difference in approach as well) but definitely sounds like he has smooth-talker potential. It's impossible to judge his motives especially through an internet description.

Hell, when you are there and involved it's hard to judge correctly!!! :)

My advise to you is based primarily on what I am picking up on as your gut reaction. I have learned to listen to mine... I would far rather pass on a situation or person I had serious gut reaction too that worry about 'hurting their feelings' or turning down a 'nice guy' because I misjudged them. When I let my concern about hurting or misjudging someone I was wary of rule what I did and who I allowed to be close to me I would find myself talked further and further in especially if I was hurt &/or lonely, doubting myself the whole way and never really comfortable about it. Even if the other person doesn't really hurt you how you fear, living with talking yourself into trusting them is no way to be feeling in a friendship or relationship.

This is where my advise to you is coming from. Coming from abuse you are more vulnerable, also, there is often that need to 'people please' and to feel like you need to avoid 'misjudging' anyone (sometimes giving chance after chance).

Malign has made great point to think about as well: Does he interest you as a friend (or possibly more)? Would you be going out to hang out if he was a woman, doing and saying the say things?? Is he nice? What, if anything, do you know of him? If you have never really met before what is drawing him to get to know you aside from physical...and then as friends??

Lastly, while I am so glad you find my advise helpful or all least helping you think though things the person to whom you should be paying the most attention to... is YOU. Trust your gut! If you feel like maybe your can't trust your thoughts, feelings quite yet...simply, ... TRUST YOUR GUT!

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks Malign and DahliMOMMA,

First of all, it´s all ok to go out man and woman here, but I bet if we were in Turkey this would not be right at all, but this isn´t turkey then and he has lived here all his life nearly. No, I don´t like him as a man. As a friend, I don´t think so, I can´t answer that question because I don´t even know him, I don´t know ANYTHING about him. He said one day be free to ask me what you wonder about me, but honestly I don´t wonder anything about him, he doesn´t interest me.

Further I´m thinking isn´t it bad of me to not want to know someone just because I don´t like him, his look? Of course he may be a nice man for all I know, but still.

I think he has other intentions because I " talked him around" in the bar when I got left alone with him by my ex abuser( I think they abused me by proxy), so I talked him around after my ex abuser left and I got him to say : and maybe something more later. I said clearly NO, NO, NO, that would never happen and I´m sorry. So he knows this, so he shouldn´t think he has any chance, on the text messages he has always said I should not worry he mean something more, but that can just be smooth talk as you say.

Even I will never be attracted to this guy, I can say "NEVER" for sure, I will follow my gut. I think he will lose interest when he see nothing happens. And you know, I am not interested in spending time with him as a friend, but I guess I have to see how he is before judging him. My reason is because he is my ex abusers friend and my life is private. So I wont be the friend he wants me to be because of this.

He do has a way of talking that I find strict, one message he told me he could be sad, happy, angry and so on, but he never shared his inner thoughts with just anyone! So if so is, how can he talk so easily with me whom he doesn´t even know, that I found strange. If it wasn´t just a confirmation. To me it seems like he thinks I am someone like that, that he meant he could confide in. Ok, that is nice and true, but why he thinks he know me so well what I want and not want, that I don´t understand.

I am actually afraid his "we will be good friends and confide in each other" thoughts are a way to report my life and thoughts to a third part, for example my ex abuser. But I will not let that happen, my private life is all mine and no one elses who might will abuse it.

My gut say he can be a good friend, but my gut also say he might have a mask on now to lure himself in, get info and so on, but I don´t know.

I think I will let it rest and see how the night out will be tomorrow, if he shows up alone then be it, but I personally aren´t interested in him. I am giving it a chance only because I have few friends and it would be foolish to turn down a friendship if it really is good intended, time will tell.

I only wonder isn´t it strange to say he doesn´t confide in just anyone when he say he think he can confide in me whom he doesn´t know?

I find your opinions and view very helpful, thank you so much both of you!

[DahliMOMMA]

Hi, GreenEyes...

Re-read that post you just wrote::eek:

*You aren't attracted to him as a man, "NEVER",

* you know nothing about him, he knows about you and wants to be friends "to be out with a beautiful woman and not his friends"...

(but it's not like you want to be friends and see where it goes with him as possible BF in future)

*His strict talk gave you a pain in chest like a parent to child!

*You said NO,NO,NO and about going out and here you are getting up what looks and sounds like a double date.

* you worry "Bad" of me to not want to get to know him because you don't like him, his look"..

*(YOUR HEAD)says he could be a good friend, (YOUR GUT) says but he could have mask on to lure in...

*I am actually afraid his "we will be good friends and confide in each other" thoughts are a way to report my life and thought to a third part, for example my ex abuser.

*"he told me he could be sad, happy, angry and so on, but he never shared his inner thoughts with just anyone! So if so is, how can he talk so easily with me whom he doesn´t even know"

NOTE: this is manipulator 101~~~"I don't share with anyone, but you (a virtual stranger)...I could trust you." All this opening up, especially with contradictory messages and tones, is to get you to want to trust and protect and emotionally bond with him.

YIKES! I'm about to poke my eye out with all the RED FLAGS over here;):eek:...

Listen to yourself:..."I am giving it a chance only because I have few friends and it would be foolish to turn down a friendship if it really is good intended, time will tell." Also, "I think he will be board/ tire of freindship when he sees its not going anywhere" Nope. Once a manipulator (if threat is what his is) sees that they have made a little ground it is a challenge to keep going and see how far they can get you to budge.You agree to an inch or a centimeter a day, here and there is little at the time but soon you've already moved it feet, miles beyond where you set your limit, all to be 'nice' and accommodating to them.

Honey, friends come and go...other friends are out there. If you allow this man in and he ends up being your next abuser (they don't have to be a BF to abuse and control you) how will you feel about letting him in your life then??

****I just don't want you to regret ignoring the signs you seem to be seeing just for the chance of a new friend, a man you don't know trust or like!!**** The more you share about this guy the worse that my instincts are screaming...RUN!

[sadgreeneyes]

Wow, DahliMOMMA,

I have to admit I got some chills now,I doubt myself easily still, try to see the good in people and give them a chance till they eventually show they are not who they say they are.

No, there is no way I ever will be attracted to him or have him as a boyfriend.

Yes, today it seemed like he tried to fix a double date, as "take your friend with you".

I feel too that this isn´t quite right, well now I will go out tomorrow, but after this I will back off slowly.

The strict talk was on text message, I forgot to edit my post about this, but even on text message I felt that bad chest feeling. So there must be some signal going through my body that say this person isn´t good.

I don´t know will he give my info to third part, but I do feel he can and this is the biggest reason I feel uncomfortable, and of course because I don´t like him, EVER, will never happen.

I believe your words, I believe to he might be a manipulator, it sounds like very ackward and abnormal to me this situation.

Thanks for saying this, I wasn´t so aware about this, that he doesn´t have to be bf to abuse me. I have thoughts he can abuse by reporting stuff about me, but didn´t think far enough to think he can abuse in other ways, for example stalking or other things. I would never ever go outside town or anywhere with this guy, that is why I said meet in town, my ex abuser is a rapist, so why should his friend be any better, he can be the same for all I know.

Gosh, no I will back off, I will find a way.

Thanks so much for opinion, I will watch me and take care of me, wont let this guy think he can invade my life.

Hugs,

GreenEyes

[sadgreeneyes]

DahliMOMMA,

you said something I had forgotten, and so important to remember, once a manipulator always one, he probably wont stop or lose interest. I am weak when there is a guy I like, but with this guy he has no chance, I will make so.

[DahliMOMMA]

Good luck on Friday. I will be interested to hear about how it goes, assuming you follow through with the 'date'.

BTW, One thought: as you are regularly texting each other, he kind of already has access to you, so to speak. If you do decide not to pursue friendship and steer clear after this weekend, the first step would be to ignore and not return calls or texts (after you let him know that you are not interested in getting to know him further) and don't worry about whether or not it appears 'rude'! Be okay with being 'rude' or 'bitchy' or whatever and be proud to stand behind your choices to do what is truly comfortable to you, not guilty!

Hugs & support...your friend:)

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you:) lol, yes I will follow through and see how it goes:o I might have something to tell about the evening out:D I will let you know.

That is true, I have thought about it, this texting, him having access, sometimes I have waited a couple of hours before answering, I have refused to let myself respond whenever he texts me, have no interest letting him know I´m available to text there and then. I will gradually be more and more distant, not responding, I am a person who needs to do things like this gradually, it´s my codependency, I hate it but it´s my way of dealing with these people. I am going to start therapy soon so hopefully I will get much stronger saying a "no" when needed. But if he starts something out I will not respond at all back.

Many hugs back, your friend too

GreenEyes