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which came first - the penis or the problems?

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My attempt at paraphrasing a common saying, but another confession I have to make is periods of huge depression - if anything I feel most ashamed of that. Rarely does it centre on my penis though, more on anything and everything about life. Money, success, what someone else thinks of me, I got up late, I ate fatty food.

Its something nobody else really ever sees - they see me perform, they even see me network and do my thing, but rarely will they see the days I just cant get out of bed, and if I manage it I get nothing done and really am quite hopeless. Sometimes it can last two or three days at a time, I'll find myself projecting forward to a time without my parents and get incredibly sad - when I really will be alone as it were. I see them alot at present.

I read up on things like bi-polar and sociopath - I knew them under the old names, and often wondered if I had these things or not, or to what degree. But you know I wonder, is this as a result of the small penis and the weight of carrying it round, or merely co-incidental to it. After all there is only me, I dont know how to compare to whats average or normal in terms of everything Ive written.......

sorry, just having a hard time clearing my mind

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That was witty actually :-) I've done that most of my life too, put on a face for the world, even when I am so deep in depression I can hardly function.... I think that most everyone does that, if they can. Be what people want you to be, that's the default isn't it. I think it has to do with wanting to just fit in, be like everyone else. For me it also has to do with not burdenning others with my issues as well.... Do your parents at least know when you are going through things? I think it's important to have at least a few people in our life with whom we can be completely open and honest, so we can relax and truly be ourselves for awhile....

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It's the chicken and egg thing. I have always blamed my complete life failures on my size. The rationale being "its all a wasted effort, because no matter what I do, my penis will always be small, and people will know it, making any achievement pointless" I have also been majorly depressed over being publicly humiliated over size on a couple of occassions (ruemenating) So I have always believed my depression was a direct result of my size.

However, the pro's on here would say it is not my size that has caused my depression, but rather my conclusions about my size. "I think, therefore I am" They illuststrate this point by citing that there are small men who have great lives, get married, have kids, great jobs etc etc and there are men like us who have let ourselves be beat. Some small men live well, some small men live shit. The only difference is the mental attitude of both men. So the pro's will tell you that depression came before your size, you just picked size as the problem.

The only cure any of us have is to change our mental outlook on our size and life in general. The best tool we have for that is CBT (I googled CBT the other night and it came back as Cock, Ball Torture. I hate my size but not like that)

If you read my first paragraph using the priciples of CBT you will be able to make a list of "distorted thoughts". Once you have identified the mistakes in your thinking, you can then challenge thier validity. It works and the results are quick.

Local library borrow. David Burns: Feeling Good Handbook.

check out: http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

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Everybody assumes I'm a virgin, which is how I want them to think.

Most men would be mortified to be in thier late 20's and be regarded as a virgin. Do your peer's not mock you for being a virgin? Being seen as a virgin would also point to some inadequency on your part, yet this is potential critisism that you purposely invite. Im not critising you, Im just noting that your position seems to be at odds with the majority.

Like you and Rec, I too do not seek a long term relationship, I only want to date and have sex. But I am able to do the relationship thing inorder to get my goal, and I even enjoy it to an extent. What stops me from furthering a relationship beyond sex, is that I dont want to trap a women into a life of sex with a small penis (mad, and irrational I know) obviously because I have a low opinion of myself and my size.

I think we have identified something else which is a part of this problem. We all, including LL and Sky have a distorted view of how we think a relationship should be. We are all putting our own ideas on what "the perfect" relationship should be. Which are probably too strict for the real world. We have to relax our views, values, judgements etc (I think Im getting the religon, I I I I think I want to become aaa therapist! and heal the world's nutters, Noooooooo!!!!!!):(

P.S. Rec, your first post on this thread to performer was spot on. Nice to see your getting your head around the principles of this thing. Just dont wake up next to a Thai hooker, and then discover she has a 6" long clitorius

Edited by nearlydead
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I think you guys are cheating yourselves by not allowing yourselves the chance at having intimate and meaningful relationships with women. Sometimes what we think we want isn't what we truly want, but is rather a means of self-protection. Loving another and being loved by another is extremely fulfilling. What not want to feel the joy in that? What is preventing you from wanting this type of relationship? When you say you don't "care for love", what does that mean? What part of loving another is not appealing?

Edited by IrmaJean
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Hi Sky,

Do you realise that your opinion of love, relationships, and the people who indulge in them, is a very extreme view, in that it differs so much from the normal view of love and relationships?

For many years, I have told myself a similar thing, peoplt who love, breed without reason, or allow others to hurt them through not being emotionally strong. For me the payoff in thinking that way was avoidence. Which is a protective stratergy.

What is the "payoff" in your mind for thinking this way?

My own warped thinking on this is "if they love me, they are baggage" If I were to ever love them "it would just hurt more when they drop me"

Im aware of my distorted thoughts on this, but as I have more pressing problems, this one is on the back burner for me.

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Having an intimate realationship is pointless to me. What can an intimate realationship offer me? Maybe more money if I get with someone who's rich, that's about it. For me, loving somebody is not about self-protection. I don't have a choice, I don't feel love, never have and glad I don't. For me, this emotion is revolting. I actually feel contempt for those who love. To me, such people are weak and pathetic.

I imagine you and I are polar opposites on a lot of fronts, but that doesn't mean we can't have an interesting and meaningful conversation about all of this. For me, showing vulnerability and a willingness to share with another person, reflects a strength of character and not a weakness. Where do you think the anger you feel around this comes from? Could it be something from your past? Please know that I do not intend to upset you in any way, but often times when we feel a strong reaction to something, there is greater meaning behind it. I recognize this feeling in myself now as an opportunity to learn more about myself.

As far as what an intimate relationship can offer you...well for one it helps you become more aware of yourself. Often times your partner will bring out your best qualities, which in turn helps you to feel good about yourself. Almost as if when we think of another is when we often become most in touch with ourselves. An oxymoron, but there you have it. At any rate, Skynight, these are my opinions on all of this and I'm sure yours are different. I'm cool with that and totally respect your thoughts. Only talk about it if you want to and feel comfortable with doing so.

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Having an intimate realationship is pointless to me. What can an intimate realationship offer me? Maybe more money if I get with someone who's rich, that's about it. For me, loving somebody is not about self-protection. I don't have a choice, I don't feel love, never have and glad I don't. For me, this emotion is revolting. I actually feel contempt for those who love. To me, such people are weak and pathetic.

What angers me more about love then anything, is the very fact of what it symbolises. Somebody who loves another is weak for putting someone as equal or above themselves. To me, I could never do this. That would be an insult of the highest order.

Hi skynight :(

Sorry I am joining this thread late.

Just wanted to say that I am one of those people that have loved, have put others before myself, and always treated people as equally as possible. I dont feel this makes me a weak person, or pathetic. Though I could be wrong.

Is it possible that you just havnt felt capable to love someone coz you are scared of getting hurt later down the road ?

Why does love or the thought of loving another anger you so much ?

Sorry if I seem rude I am just trying to understand a little better.

Take care :)

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