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He said I loved myself


sadgreeneyes
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I have been out with this friend of my ex abuser, ( my two earlier post says why):(

Everything went fine, he sat at my home talking till now.

We talked, he asked me what love is for me, I told him what love is for me, how you live for that person, think of that person, in the end I said I am scared I will not be loved that way, scared not being safe and know I am loved.

He responded with : it´s because you love yourself:(

I am so sad how he can say that, I even explained him how insecure I am, my abusive childhood and I think I am not good enough to be loved.

How can he say this? I told him it was very bad to say, that it is insane, he just said he wanted to explain but that I didn´t want to hear.

When I said I want to hear how he can say something like that he said I didn´t want to hear.

He didn´t want to say over again why he said it, as he meant he had said it twice, but he had not. He just left, took his jacket on when I said I wanted to hear how he could say I loved myself when thinking I´m not good enough being loved.

I said it was cruel to say. He had no answer.

How can he say that, it was cruel:(

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes, I'm afraid I don't get it? Its OK to love yourself, apparently it"s even very important. Do you think he meant that you were selfish? Do you think it may be a cultural thing? The way he perceives what a woman should be, and the contrast with what you had just said ... I don't think he got the nuance about trust.

I think what you said was valid by the way, open, honest, sincere. I think there were two different mental filters at work there and a clear lack of understanding.....

Edited by Symora
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Hi Symora,

I have told him about all the abusive guys I´ve met, when I say to him I am scared of not being loved or safe, my opinion is that a normal response would be " of course you are good enough to be loved".

He just said it´s because I loved myself. I know that if you are insecure of yourself you don´t love yourself.

I think he was being cruel.

If someone told you they are scared of not being loved, wouldn´t you have said of course they are good enough? would you say it is because they love themselves? and that´s it?

If someone said to me they are afraid of not being loved, to be afraid not experience the beautiful love that can be, the safety and comfort in being loved, I would never ever, in my heart, say it´s because you love yourself.

For me it is shocking.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I´m not hoping to have a him as a friend, I don´t know. I wonder more why he said I loved myself. I didn´t think about it, but yes that was intimate to ask about. Maybe what he asked me is to go to far when he´s suppose to be just a friend, it´s not what friends ask? I can say he just asked me right out of the blue, what love is for me, so I just answered.

Can someone help me why he would say that? because I know I would never say something like that. Do you think he wanted to abuse me and make me believe I am selfish, so he thought he could brainwash me with that?

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Sadgreeneyes, I am wondering why his words have been so hurtful to you? As Symora said, it is very healthy to love yourself. Could it be that due to your past, you feel it is not okay? Taking gentle care of yourself and having positive feelings about yourself is a wonderful thing. It's not only okay, I believe it is essential for anyone's well-being.

As for insecurities, well I have plenty of them myself, but I still love myself. I just need some extra reassurance sometimes. And now maybe I can offer it to myself. Knowing that one is "good enough to be loved" starts with self-love. Embrace yourself and you will find that you are more capable of sharing your love with others...and also more willing to accept love as something which you deserve. It is okay, sadgreeneyes. I can't say why the person you were with said this, but I can say that loving yourself is not a bad thing. It's a wonderful thing.

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Hi IrmaJean,

I don´t love myself, I am in healing process and are starting therapy so I can start and learn to love and respect myself and make good choices. His words were not hurtful, I mean they were ridiculous.

I find it very strange someone say : "you are insecure and afraid not to be loved because you love yourself".

If you love yourself then you know you can be loved, you know you are worthy of love, you know you can be safe.

So I still don´t know why he said such ridiculous thing.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Yes, maybe his words weren't logical in the context or perhaps he had a deeper thought? Hard to say without asking him to elaborate further. I was thinking more of your reaction to what he'd said and how looking at what you're feeling within this could be meaningful to you. I hope your therapy goes well.

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Thanks IrmaJean,

I have no idéa what he meant with what he said except for that it was really out of context as you say. If he said to me it´s ok to love yourself, that would be something else. But he didn´t say that.

I don´t know did he have a deeper thought. For me it doesn´t make sense saying what he said. Maybe he tried something ( since he is friend of ex abuser:confused: I don´t know.

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It's very confusing when the person leaves and you have not figured out what it was all about and can only speculate.... I know that in some cultures a woman's love is supposed to be all about sacrificing herself to others ... perhaps that's what he was referring too...

I think he jumped the gun in talking about something intimate way too fast. You had said earlier in the week that you were not sure about this guy given his relationship with your abuser, and perhaps you were right. Given that he knew your situation, it seems to me he could have waited to get into such intimate subject ... one way or the other he is not a very good communicator :(

Don't let it get to you Sadgreeneyes, he's just a random guy who made a stupid comment, someone who does not know who you really are. So any comment on his part reflects on him, not on you....

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Hey GreenEyes,

Hey hon, Sorry you are feeling upset/confused right now.

I'm gonna give you a brief bit of advise & I hope it makes sense to you: Put aside why this guy said what he said, it meant this or that, how could he say it...etc. Those things don't matter and I wish you could quit trying to figure them out and consider this:

If he can hurt/upset you like this with one statement about yourself and love...you have no business being around him (or any other man) even as a friend for the time being...You need to give yourself some clear head-space to get yourself together and build up your self-worth and self-confidence after some of the things you've been through.

Shut the door, not because he's a 'bad guy' but because you need space and time to figure things out and get yourself together & deal with some of your past. You ARE worth being loved~~~ by yourself and by others. If you can't love yourself how can you give and accept love, even platonic?

Let's focus on you finding a good therapist you can trust to work things through before you have to deal with examining the motive of guy 'friends'...Honey, it just doesn't sound like you are ready for this quite yet. (And that's okay!!! :)Take time, then you can enjoy the friends, and 'more', when you meet them, because you'll be in a good spot!!)

((HUGS))

Edited by DahliMOMMA
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Hi Symora and DahliMOMMA,

I am starting therapy soon, so that will be good.

He didn´t hurt me with saying what he said, to me it was ridiculous. "You are insecure and afraid of not being loved because you love yourself". Who says something like that. I have never heard such a contradictory thing to say. If he should talk that contradictory with everyone he met he would live in a world were no one understood him.

I think everyone would be confused by hearing such thing. I don´t even think he has an answer, how could he possible get a justifiable answer out of such nonsense. Who knows,maybe he said it with purpose to purposely confuse me. I know abusers use words to confuse. Or he is totally dumb.

In town he said his opinion was that woman and men has same rights ( opposite of his friends opinion who are norwegian), so it´s not a sacrificing issue.

I think he´s not that good guy as he pretend to be, you know, all the red flags. And yesterday when we drove home in taxi, he should further to his home after dropping me off, I didn´t reach to say bye before he rised out of the taxi so I had to go out of the taxi too, he didn´t ask could he come in with me, I only wanted to say bye, I was tired and he just pushed himself on me so I had to let him in. A good guy would ask first so I could be able to say no, I´m sorry, I am tired. And I also think that a "real friend" would not make this move, and then start to ask me what love is for me. I think he has all other intentions.

Just that he didn´t ask in the taxi is a red flag.

I will not think more about it, it was ridiculous anyway to say. I believe you guys here don´t see any sense in what he said either..lol:)

Many hugs,

GreenEyes

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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A million therapists, psychologists and forum members could debate until the end of time what this guy meant. There is only one person that knows though ... the man who said it.

I think you should just ask him. The more you think about what he meant the more you're going to project your own hopes and fears into his words which'll just drive you nuts.

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Hi silentmist,

I just got his explanation. But wholy crap what a explanation, listen to this :

Hi L, yesterday I tried to be as polite and nice to you as possible,why? because you interests me. Home at your place I said something that made you angry, that was not the meaning, because I don´t mean that you love yourself, but there is a man who loves you, L. If I really meant that you love yourself, why do I have contact with you, why did I go out with you. You said : no man can love me, yes L, many men can love you, because of your personality ( I am one of those men)

This is not what he said yesterday,but anyway. Is this just a very nice message or should I worry here?

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Good morning Sad,

This may be where monkey intelligence far exceeds that of humans... when they look in the mirror all they see is a monkey-- nothing more, nothing less:eek:! DahliMOMMA is 100% correct, but the bigger picture may not be what he did or didn't say or mean: it's how much emotional energy, time, effort and analysis you've put into his words that is most revealing and worth exploring. An excellent therapist would start here.

Please understand that my intent is not to be harsh or insensitive, it is to be compassionate and sometimes the most compassionate, caring, and respectful thing we can do for each other is to replace heat (emotion, conjecture, anxiety, worry, the need for approval in someone else's eyes) with light (logic, self knowledge, self examination, reason).

With great compassion,

David O

PS: Well, we both posted at about the same time so I didn't read his response. I would reread DahilMOMMA's post again, I think it needs careful attention. Also, understand that men have perfected this very simple technique, with great success I might add, where they use words to manufacture feelings within women which do not necessarily exist. You're posts have all suggested this, with multiple red flags... do not ignore your own wisdom!

Edited by David O
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Hi David,

thank you so much for reply, I do understand very well, you have a very great and true point here, why I use so much energy on this, and the fact that this is a man I´m not attracted to and will never be, still I use so much energy. You made me wake up a little, why do I do this? does it help me in any way except for just knowing why did he say that. Not really, I do mean too that this is an issue within me. So I do know you all mean the best, I do see my issue. I will start therapy soon and hopefully with time I will become better at not giving so much of my energy on people/stuff/wondering this or that all the time.

I think you all are right, I see there is something very wrong here, specially with all the messages he sends about saying he really do respect me and want me all the best, and again a message how he respects me. It´s too much of what should be normal, I mean this is abnormal communication.

Friends don´t have to say over and over again be sure I do respect you. He even said I didn´t touch you and bla bla..I starts to get mentally tired of all those messages, it´s draining my energy soon.

I guess you are referring to DahliMOMMA´s post to me about the flags? I will read through it carefully again, sometimes I have difficulty seeing things for what it is, I doubt and sadly I usually have to experience the abuse to be able to see it really was wrong. Hopefully when I start in therapy this will not be the case anymore.

I feel pretty safe since this is a guy I´m not at all attracted too. I will take care of me, I try every day, can´t wait to start therapy:)

GreenEyes

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hello,

As I was reading through your post one question kept coming back from me. What do you want out of this friendship. You've mentioned many things that are red flags and that make you uncomfortable. What are the qualities that keep you coming back???

Also....understand I'm not trying to hurt you or be callous but I can't help thinking that this is a toxic friendship for you. All relationships have bumps in the road including friendships. My friendship circle has an unspoken "rule" when we argue or inadvertently hurt one another that one apologizes, the other says "I forgive you." then we both move on. But most of the time the friendships are safe and comfortable and easy.

But in this case, even the attempt at friendship is causing worry for you. Rather than lifting you up, it's causing stress and making you uncomfortable. Also, being with him is a constant reminder of your abuser.

So here's the question: What are the reasons you would pursue a friendship with him and what are the reasons that it would be better not to? When you look in your heart and listen to your gut, what are they telling you????

You deserve friends who love you and want what's best for you. If this friendship can't do that for you, is it worth the pain it's causing?

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Hi Danni,

I appreciate your opinion and I know you are right, I have got confirmed by his last message he is not a friend, he is toxic. He really isn´t a friend.

Yes, I thought I could give him a chance, finding new friends, see if they really were good people, but I will chose to be alone rather than having toxic friends.

A new lesson learned, I can only grow stronger, will start therapy soon. I guess I am to naive and show to much good will.

I have difficulty stopping for a minute and really take a serious look what my gut is telling me, I usually have to test out everything to see this was wrong, or this was ok and so on, but I do better if I start to listen more to my gut and stick with from the beginning.

This man just wrote this text messaged, which are far from a friend and he also said he could have lost control and be rough. This is bad. And I have to step back from this false friendship.

I just got to know narcissists speak in contradiction, Sam Vaknin has a page about this, and this guy is very much likely an N/P as my exP.

Hugs,

GreenEyes

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Now I really know this is BAD!

He just sent as new message saying : I was drunk and wanted you last night, I could have been rough yesterday ( maybe you wouldn´t have liked it)...as said I wanted you.

Oh my god, I have to step back. This is clearly evidence he´s not a friend.

Sad... this is not about him "not being a friend!" he has just sent you a powerful message about where he's at and what lengths he may go to to force himself on you-- drunk or not! I would move him into the enemy camp immediately--- now, what does one do with enemies when they text?? I'm sure there are some strong words/lines you can use and I'm sure others here will give you some excellent zingers to let him know you want absolutely nothing more to do with him-- EVER! _______, don't write, don't call, don't text, don't e-mail, don't send smoke signals, don't drive over, don't telegraph, don't use telekinesis, don't use a transporter, don't beam yourself over Scotty, don't fly... well, you get the picture and so should he, unequivocally.

Good luck dear,

David

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GreenEyes,

At least he has finally sent you a clear message to help lessening the worries about if you are misinterpreting him. :D

Truly he is a creep! If I may say...Good riddance to bad rubbish!! Perhaps now is a good time express a short, clear and firm ADIOS!, turn off the phone and purposefully turn attention to exploring the positives, even if it is looking into the lives of the people on this board or taking a walk, turning on a good tune. It's not so much choosing to forget or ignore ('cuz we know how that has opposite effect sometimes;))but choosing to explore the positive possibilities.

I hope to see some new conversation threads w/ ya and the memories of this jerko:mad: can slowly die off with this thread!

P.S> See David posted at same time as me... HE is absolutely correct this guy is clearly moved into enemy camp!! With prejudice!

Edited by DahliMOMMA
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