He said I loved myself

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you so much for support everyone!

Yes, David is right, he needs to be put in the enemy camp right away. He has shown me he is capable of hurting me. My x abuser is a rapist and this is his friend, this is a clear message that he likely is exactly like my xp.

I honestly didn´t like his norwegian friend either, just looking at his attitude made me think he´s an abuser too. When you can see in their eyes and this superficial look.

He still texts me this guy, saying he is listening music and are very emotional now. I will get far away from this person. This isn´t about him not being a friend, he is a dangerous man, can be. I´m glad I got to see this before I invested more time in trying to see could there be friendship.

I will now concentrate about my positive things to do. In about one week I will have my first appointment at a dv center for woman who are in violent relationships, I will go there a few times till I start therapy:)

[David O]

Hi Sad (may be time to change that username so that it doesn't define you too much:)),

I had one final thought, while I'm not sure what the goals are that you're looking to set in therapy, one I would suggest is to look at your "picker"-- that part of you that chooses male partners. It serves two functions, picking partners that feed it (i.e., feed or fulfill your needs and desires) and as a homing device for men on the continuum from predator to good guys. In your situation, I'm wondering if you think this may be a emerging issue requiring deeper focus.

Thanks Sad for being such a good sport and open/honest with us, and listening to our words. Good luck and keep us posted on your therapy progress.

David O.

[silentmist]

I have to admit, I'm a little concerned about how you describe this guy as a friend of an ex-abuser.

If you're not attracted to him then that's the end of it. You should tell him in clear and certain terms that that's how you feel. That would be respectful to him as well so that he knows for sure where he stands with you.

You're under no obligation to give this guy a chance, to wait and see, give it time or anything like that. I say that just in case he feels that he can pressure you into spending time with him, in case he tries to make you feel guilty about pulling away from him.

If he starts to try and persuade you change your mind he might be a sexual predator and might think, that because you have low self-esteem, that he may be able to have you if he just keeps on at you for long enough.

Be assertive!

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi David and Silentmist,

again thanks for replying! I want to get therapy for exactly what you mention David, I want to start taking care of myself so I can chose a healthy man who can give me love and respect. I am thinking sometimes finding someone who loves me with that safety and care will never happen, so I just stay in the same bad circle as I have always done. I don´t pick the bad guys with consciousness, but it´s they I have been attracted too. But I don´t want that anymore because I know I will never find the love I deserve and want and wish for if I don´t get help for this. I want to find love and hope it is possible.

I have learned that these abusers doesn´t love you in any way, it is false and you will always get hurt, they can never give love or change. This is why I now really want to change, don´t want to be abused anymore. I want to learn to attract me good men, good people. Good friends.

My issues are deeply rooted from traumatic childhood and I guess trauma bonding has something to do with my problems, as codependency, I get confused sometimes about my mix of issues. But I know I don´t want to be abused anymore.

This guy knows I am not interested in him, I have told him twice, early on. So it is him who are not respectful against me, he has now crossed the boundaries by sending such a message and he did it with no warning, it was just out of the blue, done with purpose to see what reaction he got. I know much about narcissists and psychopaths. The best way ( or one of the ways, there are plenty of ways) to recognize a narcissist, I read, is that they speak in contradiction.

Silentmist, I will not let him steal my free time, it´s true and thanks for saying it too, that I don´t need to feel bad for pulling away. He should understand that after what he texted me. I will not be alone with him anymore either, that scares me, I don´t even like him. He probably is a sexual predator as he can send that message. I know they try to guilt you, but I think I will be strong enough because I don´t like him, AT ALL.

How do I change my username?? I tried to look it yesterday, but didn´t find out how?

Thanks so much for advice and for listening, you are amazing people!

GreenEyes

[silentmist]

This guy sounds like a creep ... I'd think about getting in touch with the police.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Silentmist,

as long as he hasn´t harmed me there´s nothing I can do. But yes he´s surely a creep. After he sent that message I said to him he was now crossed the boundaries and I told him for the third time that we will only be friends and that he can find a woman somewhere, that there are many out there. After this he said sorry and that he just wanted to say it. Holy crap! After this I haven´t heard from him luckily. Anyway, no normal man say like this to someone they nearly don´t know, so it´s clear what he was after. And no normal man say this to a woman he likes either, because it is so rude as it can be. If a man like someone he would never ever DARE say such creepy thing, he would have treated her with respect and asked her out. It´s clearly this person is a sicko who doesn´t respect women sexually or in any way. A man can respect a woman as much as he can, but if saying what he did all his respect goes right down in the toilet.

GreenEyes

[silentmist]

If you've not heard from him maybe he's finally got the message. I'm still not sure why you'd be willing to be his friend though. If he doesn't respect you enough to have sympathy and empathy for you then I think friendship is a risk to you.

I've discovered that it's better to have no friends than have one friend that abuses you. There are a lot of people out there that want someone to put down and bully and they tend to target people with low self-esteem.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes it might be he´s got the message, or he lay low and wait for next round. You are right, silentmist, he´s not a friend, but I thought he might "could" be a friend, even I actually had no interest being his friend in the first place. Now I don´t want him as a friend, he isn´t a friend. You know, some hours before he sent that creepy message, he wrote a message back at me :

"Thank you, and home at your place I didn´t hit on you, I didn´t touch you, I also show my personality and one of them is that I respect you".

I wrote back of course, if you did hit on me you would not be a friend, friends doesn´t do that.

Then not long after he sent that creepy message. Talk about showing his personality, first say he respects me 100 times for then to say that :eek:

Yes, it´s better to be alone than have friends who abuses you, no doubt. You are right, they target people who are vulnerable, and it´s no surprise this guy is an abuser as I suspected in the beginning and as he is friend of my ex abuser, but I wanted to give him a chance in case I was wrong,now I see the truth again, that abusers usually have friends who also are abusers, they co- operate and are just out to control and abuse.

[David O]

So armed with all of this knowledge, you now know to cross the street at the very slightest hint that the person has the potentail to be abusive. They tend to have a homing device that spots vulnerable people.

In the meantime, I can introduce you to My Cousin Vinny:eek:, who lives in Tierra del Fuego, he got no teeth, no shoes, no home, no hair, and can't read or write--- but he treat you real good, like he treat his llamas!........... he is a bello man, although he is now 87, is rounder than he is tall, (he's 5'2" tall)--- will that work for you? Yes, the very handsome men come from down south.

David

PS: Sorry bout that bad humor, had too much Coast Rican coffee again!

[sadgreeneyes]

David, that was funny though! lol..

Yes, they spot their targets so easily, if there is 20 woman in a bar the abuser will for sure point out the one or two vulnerable woman right away, it is scary, but with knowledge we can come very far with protecting us from them:)

[sadgreeneyes]

When this guy said the reason I am insecure and afraid of not being loved was because I loved myself, it was probably projection.... They say ( I quote someone here) ... N's love themselves so hearing you say those things makes them think of themselves and all their deep seated anxiety about being inferior.

[DahliMOMMA]

Heehee. DAVID, I knew I liked your sense of humor!!

GreenEyes, if creepaziod does make any attempt to restart contact. I'd haeva planned response set to go so he wouldn't catch you off guard.

*** Say "I've had enough time around you to know that you have no place in my life, even as a friend. Don't contact me anymore (please, optional)" And then refuse to talk, text etc from that moment on (and move on.)

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi DahliMOMMA,

I was just near by being abused again and abuse myself:( I was in the shop and back to home my ex abuser was right outside my home as I live in an area that has lot of people circling, said he was about to call me, I was thinking let me just pass as he is in r/s. But I talked with him, feeling safe he had r/s now. He wanted to talk to me and I did, he sat 10 minutes at my place, again he came with a ridiculous explanation of what it all was about. He wanted me to drink with him later, forced himself to hug me and kiss me, but I brushed him off me. When he went I didn´t know what to do as he he had said he couldn´t garantie he wouldn´t force himself on me. I struggle with codependency and have difficult having a voice, that is why I´m going to start therapy. So, I knew I had to do something, I could not let myself be abused again. So I texted him a warning, "again", saying I have to go to police if he force himself on me and that he must promise not to do that. I knew that with such a message I would be safe and he afraid. Like last time. He texted back he had company now and probably couldn´t come tonight. Even it wasn´t much of a voice I had, I did at least safe myself from being abused again. I DON´T WANT TO GET ABUSED AGAIN:(

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sadgreeneyes,

Good job. You are right. You need to be safe and what you told him was quite right.

Allan

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks Allan!

I think that this is the best weapon I have right now till I learn to have a clear and decided voice.