I hate myself

[D Dub]

I beleive that anything is possible. With that said it's possible I could change my way of thinking. Way more difficult things have been accomplished. I feel I have to really want to change my way of thinking. Sometimes if I want something bad enough I will atleast try to get it. But usually my laziness and depression works it's way back in and I give up. Maybe one day I will learn not to give up so easily. At the same time I have pretty much invested my entire adult life into hating my self over this. That's a pretty big investment to get rid of. I guess it will just have to take some time. One day at a time.

[IrmaJean]

You can do it, D Dub. We will be here to support you. Where there is hope and will, there is great potential for change. Can you think of one place you would like to start? What do you appreciate about yourself?

[lifeless existence]

But usually my laziness and depression works it's way back in and I give up. Maybe one day I will learn not to give up so easily. At the same time I have pretty much invested my entire adult life into hating my self over this.

I'm the same way, D Dub. I think a lot of us here are like that. One step forward, then two steps back, or, in my case, one step forward and six or seven steps back. Maybe if we could just learn not to give up so easily. Maybe that would be a start. Maybe just being able to do that much would help. Does anyone have suggestions as to how we can reprogram ourselves to not give up so easily?

[IrmaJean]

Why do you think you give up so easily? Challenging yourself is hard work without a doubt.

My first suggestion to you, LE, would be to try focusing on that one positive step.

[Recluse]

sfgsdfgdfgdsfgfd

[lifeless existence]

I can't make myself do anything. I have a complete lack of motivation and ambition. I don't want to do anything if the end result is always going to be the same. Why bother? In the end I'm just going to live alone and die alone anyway.

[malign]

Maybe. The same thing might happen to me, or anybody, if we don't try. Heck, even if we do try. But the only way it might not happen, is if we do try.

[curtailed]

We're acting like we had small dicks or something.

[lifeless existence]

Maybe.

I don't see it that way. To me, being alone is guaranteed for life and there's nothing I can do to change that. Could I have a different life? Yes. Would a different life be better? No, not to me. As long as I can't have meaningful, intimate relationships with women like normal men do, then I'll never be truly happy. It's not that I need someone else to feel happiness, it's the fact that I'm not even eligible to have someone that makes me so unhappy. So much is missing from your life when you've been alone for so long. There's so much I miss out on every day. It's the little things that most people take for granted. A simple hug, having fingers run through my hair, holding hands while out for a walk. People experience these things daily and don't even give them a thought. I'd kill to feel those things...the feelings you get from them. We're human. We need to feel accepted. We need to be touched. We get mentally sick when we're deprived of those things.

[Recluse]

gdsfgsdfgdsfg

[IrmaJean]

I don't see it that way. To me, being alone is guaranteed for life and there's nothing I can do to change that.

It's only guaranteed if you don't try to change things.

As long as I can't have meaningful, intimate relationships with women like normal men do, then I'll never be truly happy.

You can have the relationships you are seeking, LE. Life is full of possibilities if you are open to them and give them the chance to blossom.

It's not that I need someone else to feel happiness, it's the fact that I'm not even eligible to have someone that makes me so unhappy.

You are only ineligible if you don't try. You sound as if you are hurting from a lack of interactions with others. Could you do something simple to start with such as go to a restaurant?

[D Dub]

Sounds like me and LE are in the same boat. It hurts me so much to see others going on and living their lives. I don't hold anything agaist them except maybe jeliousy. They live their lives of happiness and take all those small things LE mentioned for granted. I'm sure not all of them do but most of them probably. It hurts deep inside our souls to deprive ourselfs of love and affection of another. It really hurts me more now because I realize now that I do want a family someday with kids and a wife the whole nine yards. My whole life I never wanted that. I hated the idea of me being a father and doing the family deal. I will be 27 years old this friday and the older I get the more I realize I really don't want to miss out on having a family. But lets be realistic, who wants to be married to a guy with a baby dick and balls that never dropped? Like everything in life the odds are against me.

[IrmaJean]

You are a good person aren't you, D Dub? Many women would love to be with a man who is intelligent, kind and respectful. All of us deserve to have what we want from life. It's a matter of finding the right person, one who will appreciate and love you for the person that you are.

[IrmaJean]

I think a lot of people who have been single for a long time tend to glorify relationships. The truth is, being in a relationship isn't all that great. You can't do what you want you have to compromise. Having children is nothing so good either, they're expensive and you have to waste most of your life looking after them and for little thanks for it.

Skynight, I've been married for over 20 years and have three children ranging from age 8 to age 18. Life is not perfect and there is struggle at times, but I would not change one moment of it. You're talking through your own worldview here. I could never seeing raising my children as a waste of time. The thanks you get is in watching their joy and zest for life, watching them step out into the world and knowing you have been a part of their journey.

Having someone tell you they love you doesn't really mean anything anyway. A lot of relationships and marriages don't last so I don't see why people care so much.

Being in a reciprocal loving relationship brings to light our positive attributes, it helps us to feel effective. It feels good to be valued as a person and to cherish another back. I am saddened that you have been unable to experience any of this in your lifetime.

The most important thing in life is to be healthy and then it's money. If you have those two things you can live a good life. The rest is all rather irrelevent really. Depending on others for happiness is never the way to go, chances are you will end up disappointed as most people are out for their own happiness not yours.

You speak with such cynicism...

It is true that one should not depend on others for happiness. I believe it is more about a sharing of the self. The happiness comes from within, but others may help draw it out. I'm not sure one can truly love another unless they first love themselves. Does anything effect you in an emotionally positive way, skynight? Music? A good movie?

[IrmaJean]

I do sense that you have indifferent types of feelings, Skynight. I know you are stating your honest beliefs about this. But if you have never felt love, how do you know what you have been missing? Do you feel anything is missing or are you content with things as they are?

[nearlydead]

Irma said:The thanks you get is in watching their joy and zest for life, watching them step out into the world and knowing you have been a part of their journey.

How would you of felt having bred a deformed loser child? One that had no zest for life, and failed at every step in its life?

My failure to be happy has led me to reclusion. I have not seen my mother father, brother for 14 years, although I speak with my mother on the phone about the weather or 10 minutes every two or three weeks. I know I have been a blight on my parents lives, in that they are dissappointed with how my life has gone, its hurts them both that I stay away. But again I think thier lives would be worse with me in it, although they cant understand it and would love to have me back.

Again that decission was probably wrong, but was right for me (and I think them) at the time.

Women, kids, parents, love, I could never allow it to happen, and now its all too late in life to change it. Even if I did, instead of being able to enjoy the reamining time, I would focus on the loss of the past.

If you are deformed do not breed, it is not worth causing the misery of another lifetime for one of your own.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nearlydead,

Women, kids, parents, love, I could never allow it to happen, and now its all too late in life to change it. Even if I did, instead of being able to enjoy the reamining time, I would focus on the loss of the past.

I am sorry you feel this way about life. However, I want to remind you that the idea in life is not to regret the past but to live now. What about starting a new life now instead of dwelling on the past or degrading youself?

Allan:)

[IrmaJean]

You mention feeling an emptiness inside. What do you think that emptiness means? What does that ache long for?

[nearlydead]

Hi Nearlydead,

I am sorry you feel this way about life. However, I want to remind you that the idea in life is not to regret the past but to live now. What about starting a new life now instead of dwelling on the past or degrading youself?

Allan:)

Im in the process of starting a new life from absolute scratch. I have lost a lot of wieght, improved my fitness, got a job starting around October and been studying and working through my problems with self taught CBT. My goal is to go on a date with someone I hope to meet online through a dating agency. Then to date a few and hope to have sex by March 2011, my birthday. I also have to build a social life, and come up with a convincing story to tell these new people about myself to cover up the reasons WHY i have no freinds, WHY i have no assets,blah blah.

Im doing all this not because I believe that in 2/3/4/10 years I will be happy, but rather because I dont have the balls to kill myself.

I cannot stay as I am, I cannot bring myself to kill myself, which means I have to change.

Irma, with all due respect I think your world view is as distorted as my own. Just with different consequences.

[malign]

Maybe, in that sense, ND, all world views are distorted (who can have a completely accurate view of something as big as the world?).

So, why not go with the one that works best, for you?

[nearlydead]

M, I know its all just opinions anyways..... Im just in a mood today, so anything I post is biased.

[malign]

ND,

Who hasn't had an off day? Heck, even Beth has 'em. :-)

A world view that tells you that you deserve them, well, that just makes them harder to deal with.

As for the cover story, personally, I'd go with people you could tell the truth to, if you can. Much less complicated, and people like that, you could trust with anything.

I went into a mental hospital, feeling suicidal, over New Year's, 2007-8. I knew which people were my friends (there were a few), by whether I had any hesitation telling them where I'd been. Most of my co-workers only knew that I'd been sick. And, had any made fun of me for it, I'd know which people to drop from my life.

[D Dub]

I just can't shake my depresson it's killing me. I can't stop thinking of suicide either. one minute I want to laugh, then the next I want to cry. I just don't know what to do with myself.

"Life submissivness

hypnotizing the ignorant a little boys best friend is always his mom atleast that's what she said.

Life for the simple man

taught, that everyone else is dirty and their love is meaningless

I'm just a soiled dirty boy

I'm just a soiled dirty boy!"

- Mudvayne

[malign]

D Dub,

Do you have somewhere safe to go, if the suicidal thoughts get to be too much? A friend, a loved one, a therapist, a hospital?

Suicidal thoughts tend to trump every other concern, because you can't change anything, if you're dead. But it's also an individual choice, because there's not much of anything anyone else can do, if you're determined. Personally, I had to make that choice several times, and the worst time, I went to a police station and asked for a ride to a hospital. {Okay, it wasn't that neat, but that was the outcome.}

The only way I know of to "shake a depression", is to ask someone for help. Someone professional, who knows what to do.

Life may not be easy, but death never ends.

[IrmaJean]

D Dub, I hope that you have found a place to be safe tonight. Please check in soon and tell us how you are feeling.

ND, I think maybe sometimes I try too hard on here, but I hope you know it's because I care. In honesty, I don't think all of the world is how I see it. But it is a vision and a hope of mine that the world can be a more caring and accepting place. So in some way I am fighting for that. I hope that you understand and can forgive me for getting carried away sometimes.