Why are people are looking at me?

[sadgreeneyes]

I experience that some people are looking at me on the street, in the shop, same where it is, not in normal way like we all do time from time, but like there is something "wrong" with me. I think myself I am pretty/attractive, have dark half long hair, with green eyes, I am normal weight, a petite woman of 5 feet 3 inches.

So why are they looking at me? I asked my best friend 2-3 years ago if she noticed it, I wanted to hear if someone could confirm it, she said yes she see it too. So it´s not all in my head. I asked why they do that, is there something wrong with me? she said of course not, you are indeed so sweet. She said she didn´t know either why they were looking at me unless it was because they liked to look at me. But there is grown up women at age 50 who does this sometimes too, it´s not only men, it´s both.

Sometimes I feel not too good about myself, I mean I have days I feel tired, less attractive, my hair is problem and so on, but all in all there is nothing wrong with me.

Sometimes I feel that they look at me like I´m not a worthy adult woman, a self confident woman with brain. I dress nice, so it´s not my clothes either.

I feel uncomfortable and "small" when I notice it, I get a feeling with once where I ask myself quietly if there´s something wrong with me, even I know there is not.

Could it be a reasonable reason why some would look at me in a negative way? not that I know it is negative, but I think so because that is the signals I get:confused:

I also experience people smile at me in the elevator and say hi, then I feel good. I feel appreciated and worthy.

Sometimes I wonder can it be I look sad?

[malign]

Well, maybe you're nice to look at?

Even for women.

I'd be more interested in why you assume it's negative.

One thought is that, after having been abused, it's not a positive for you any more for people to be attracted to how you look. Maybe you feel that that's what attracts the abusers.

Certainly, an attractive woman will have to deal with more attention from men. The trick is to hold out for one who treats you the way you dream of being treated.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi malign,

thank you for replying. I don´t know why it feels negative, but it does. But there are also lot of woman who are prettier than me and I think they don´t experience negative looks. I know attractive women gets more attention from guys, but that is not the case with me, I only get strange look and from women too, I feel at least it´s negative. I mean there shouldn´t be any reason to look at me negative.

It´s interesting what you said about "after being abused" and how I feel, because my abusive relationships started for real about 5 years ago and I can´t remember having this negative feeling before all the abusive r/s started. Could it be I send out a signal who shows I´m vulnerable or sad? maybe it´s me who don´t like to get attention and that it feels negative for me because I´m used to being treated bad and abused. I didn´t feel or experience this before. But my friend saw it too, so I don´t know for sure what it is.

[sadgreeneyes]

Even my best friend here say they look at me in a not to positive way, when she has been with me and witnessed it. I don´t know what it is.

I try not to care, it may be me who is showing some signals of insecurity or something, and that I have been abused. I don´t see what other reason it should be, because it´s not positive looks, at least not for me. It´s more like you see something you haven´t seen before, like a ghost or something weird.

[malign]

It's very hard to judge people's reactions just from their facial expressions. It's just too easy to see them through our own assumptions.

There may be women who are more attractive; have you tried asking any of them whether they feel the same way you do about being looked at? Even then, you would have to correlate their answers to how they feel about themselves. I would expect the ones who feel good about themselves to feel positive about being looked at, and the ones who don't, to feel negative.

I've found this, myself, in fact, despite not being a woman and only being moderately attractive. Still, the way I interpret people looking at me varies depending on my mood and how I feel about myself at the time.

I can't tell whether you "send out" some sort of signal that abusive types pick up on. I think it does happen. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's a "sad" look, though. I would think they would pick up on someone who looks uncertain, not confident. Your attitude shows on the outside of you, too, you know. And it's something you can change about yourself.

[sadgreeneyes]

Your answers to me was a lot of help to me, because I have had times were I have NOT felt negative when someone have looked at me,but then I have felt positive about myself, having a good day and feel good. So maybe it is like you say, that it shows through how you feel on the inside.

I am always an easy pick for abusers, they see through vulnerable people with once, like a radar. But the case about people looking at me, I think is like you say, it´s probably how I feel inside in that moment, good or bad.

I will see if I can get to ask someone and how they feel about it if I get a chance to do so. You say the right, I mean too it is a insecure look I may have, not sad. Or maybe both. I do think insecurity shines through.

I will take note every day how I feel that day and when I go out I will take not does it feels negative or positive, maybe I will see a answer

[silentmist]

If someone has chosen to stare at you with a negative expression on their face I think you should just pull a funny face back at them or something ... stick your tongue out and cross your eyes.

If they're really staring at you they'll notice but if they're just looking in your direction and not observing you, they won't see it.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hahaha, that was funny though, but I better keep my tongue in my mouth so they don´t think I am crazy..lol..

They don´t stare, but they look maybe 2-3 seconds which in my opinion is a second to much, it takes 1-2 seconds to look at someone normally, when you look at someone and briefly look away, in my opinion it´s rude to glue your eyes at a person for too long. Unless you are looking at a crush from distance..lol.. But maybe as malign say, it´s hard to judge someones faces..

I have done the same back sometimes and then they have looked away with once like they have gotten their heart up in their throat, either because of my look back at them or they have noticed they did indeed look to much at me...or I have smiled at them and then they have seemed to be thrown off balance or something...lol...someone have smiled back..someone does smile at me first too..

It doesn´t really matter because I know I am a pretty woman, so I leave it up to them what is going on with them if something at all:)

[Say Again]

This is interesting to me sadgreeneyes because my daughter (who is now 33) reacts in anger when a people “stare” at her (she is not as reactive with men staring). When she is fed up she will say to me, “is there something wrong with me (as she looks down at her clothes for some major flaw) because people will NOT STOP staring” and she is really upset. She does not stand out in style or behavior – always well groomed, wears make up and all that but nothing provocative in dress or that type of thing.

I see her most every day and yet sometimes when she walks into view I am just stunned by her beauty.

As far as women looking at you and you assuming that as evidence it is not about your being attractive and that it must be something else ~ not so. I watch women double take my daughter every single time we are out together. I have watched women come up to her and apologize for staring and follow with some compliment to her. Yet still her first reaction is to think people have some other negative motive.

I wonder if the negative expression you see on the other persons face is just their defensive counter reaction to what they might have seen on your face when you caught them looking. I would imagine they see anger cross my daughter’s face and maybe you have a similar defensive expression. I also wonder if a woman that perceives you as more attractive does in fact have a negative expression on her face because she is feeling negative about herself in comparison. Also, imagine a man and woman walking through a store at the moment she catches sight of you. If she feels insecure and angry that he is going to admire you ~ you might see that anger (at him) in her expression.

It is a different world out there for pretty women. You cannot for example eat in a restaurant, walk in a store without someone watching and I can see where that can make someone feel somewhat self conscious. Most people can move in and out of places without feeling eyes on them and there is a real comfort in that. So it might just be a matter of adjusting to it.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Say Again,

that was interesting post, thank you for sharing. Like your daughter I have an unpleasant feeling too when people are looking, not anger, but more annoying feeling. I can understand your daughter because it´s not so comfortable when people are looking at you and you don´t know why. Like your daughter I don´t stand out in the way I dress either, I dress totally normal/nice/modern and are always groomed. It is interesting though, yesterday I did see 3 young girls sitting together talking, I noticed the one girl was very pretty so I looked at her 2 SECONDS MYSELF..lol, she turned her head and looked behind her, she saw that I looked at her I guess, I turned my head away with once she saw me looking because I saw that she seemed annoyed being looked at, when she didn´t see I saw one more time, but only for A SECOND, as I remembered myself how I just felt the other day when I was the one being looked at. I said to myself that maybe this is it. She might felt the same I felt when someone looked at me. But it wasn´t because it was anything wrong, only that she was a pretty girl.

Like your daughter I have gotten many compliments, many guys have said I´m sweet, pretty and so on, so it can´t be that there are something wrong with me I´m thinking. Still I think is there something wrong when someone looks, one time I was in town I had been looked at and I thought what is it, did have have bird dirt on my sweather or back so I can´t see or what is it, but when I come home there´s nothing.

Maybe she experiences being looked at much and it bothers her. Maybe this is how some of us feel, maybe we should try to not be so angered or annoyed by it. But still it isn´t a pleasant feeling.

I guess I am trying to say that maybe we should try not to care so much and knowing that there isn´t anything wrong with us, the way we look, but that instead there is another reasons. The most important is to know who we are ( if we should feel negative looks ).

My friend said : no one can make you feel less worthy without your own consent. Which are some very true words.

If a person dress nice, look nice and all, there doesn´t exist really a reason for someone looking negatively at someone. Then there has to be other reasons, for example reasons like you mention.

Thinking about you daughter, hope she too will "rid her" of that feeling and knowing that there isn´t anything wrong with her.

Hugs,

GreenEyes

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

Ya know, I want you to conider the possibility that your interpretion of the way people stare out you is an example of a "projective or Rorschach Test." In other words, some of what you are interpreting stems from some self doubt and even low self esteem. In other words, its what you are thinking of yourself at the time.

What do you think?

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Allan,

I think that sounds very logical, because when I have felt good about myself I haven´t felt negative looks and when I have felt less good I have felt negative looks, I find it make sense it probably is how I feel at the moment and that it is a projection of how I feel.