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Idealism vs Reality


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Hey guys, I've decided to post a problem of my own for a change in hopes that it might help my current position a bit.

Now, where to start... Lately, about a month and a few weeks ago, I became acquainted with this girl attending a neighboring school, and it didn't take me long to find out that I was in love with her. And so I chose to give chase to this newfound love, and by saying that I mean that I got to know her, met up and talked a few times. It turns out we're pretty alike in our way of behaviour, even she has stated multiple times that I'm a lot like her, something I believe she values given the regular reminder. But along the way I thought was going like a typical teenage crush concept, I quickly found a few interesting facts.

Her cousin attends my school and most of all my classes, and I later learned that they were related, eventually revealing to him that I was in love with this girl. It was from this point on that he told me a lot about her, seeing as he grew up with her. This girl that I'm in love with, she's had a heck of a tough life, and I'm not sugercoating it either. Apparently her mother died of cancer a few years ago, and she's been bullied ever since her cousin can remember. Another girl-friend of her cousin (who also attends my school) has also been around while she grew up, telling me that she often saw other boys sarcastically putting a move on her to seed false hope, then later throwing her aside. Classmates only attended the funeral of her mother in order to skip school, and on top of all that, she's diagnosed with a mild type of aspergers. Might I also add that this girl has never been in love? Of course, this is not a definitive fact that I know, only what I have been told by her cousin.

I'll be blunt here, I sincerely love this girl for who she is, her personality, the way she looks, her hair, the eyes, everything about her. Strangely enough sexual lust came second, not that this was the point. But I can see that there's something still bothering her, ever since I saw her, there was something other than an avarage crush that drew me towards her. Now she looks like an avarage high school girl, but I've been seeing these strange symptoms from her. She never shows any emotion, be it the occassional laugh from a joke perhaps, but nothing else whatsoever. She never shows sadness, grief, any form of helplessness, nothing at all. She always has that neutral look about her. And considering aspergers, I do know that one of its symptoms are social withdrawal, at least to a certain extent, but somehow that doesn't add up. Reason being that this girl continually shows interest in wanting to socialize with others, it's like she wants to be like others in order to be with them, she even thought out loud once telling me "Maybe I can pretend to be drunk." But I'll leave that as an example.

About a week ago, I confessed my emotions to her through and through, telling her that I really like her a lot. She told me it was easily readable, undoubtedly because of my outgoing behaviour, but she only really likes me a good friend that's possible to talk to she said. Of course, there and then, I was filled with excruciating pain and decided to end our conversation abruptly and call it a day. After a long evening with a lot of crying, the next day came about, and at school I met up with her cousin and this other girl-friend I mentioned earlier, I told them what happened. Reasonably, you would want to move on if rejected, this is only common knowledge, however even after hearing my story, these two consistently encouraged me to keep going. True they have known this girl all the way while she grew up, so they know her much better than I do, but even telling me that I "am the best person she'll ever have." is something I consider dangerous encouragement. But I have taken a lot of through to this, and decided to throw myself into the fray again, not even 24 hours after my moment of grief. And yes, me and her have had a normal conversation after this.

I am a reasonable and understanding individual, I may be naive and idealistic, but that doesn't mean I'm not smart or responsible. But after this incident where they kicked my butt back into gear, I find myself relying on naivety, I constantly throw a blind eye to reality, even knowing that it'll hurt someone in the end. I say to myself that I'll spend as much of my life on her as I can, in order to see this through and find out the truth. Even if may turn out that she'll never come to develop feelings for me, or even end up aggressively attacking me, right now I am as naive as naive can be, but I just have this constant feeling that there's something underneath all this that doesn't add up, but I can't explain what it is. I want to help her out any way I can, I'd even blindly devote my life for her right now, knowing that I probably won't say the same thing years from now. But there's just something, something I can't put my finger on.

I will fill anyone in on any requested details as we go along in this topic, for now this is all I'll settle for writing. But please, come up with more than "leave her alone and move along," I am a mature individual with a sense of understanding of reality, I am capable of listening to harsh critique and any possible opinions.

But even by saying this, I can't help but think that this naivety of mine won't honestly appeal to anyone. =]

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Well... you sound very young, and this is not the time for a serious love. I remember when I was very young, and a boy whom I was friends with told me his true feelings and got hurt when I said I just liked him for a friend. He was a perfectly nice boy. Decent, kind, handsome, but I was a child inside and not ready for adult things like having a boy friend. It hurt me in return when he became hostile to me, making fun of me and generally acting like a jerk. Maybe he showed me his true colors? But of course that seems a harsh thing for me to say given that he must certainly have felt crushed and totally rejected.

I say just be friends with this girl. You have time enough for this kind of thing later, but you will not have your "childhood" for much longer. I know it's not the "cool" thing for me to say, but it's advice from someone who's been through it, and may even be a lot like your would-be girlfriend. Be her friend, make sure she does well in school, help her make wise choices. Maybe later there'll be love between you, or maybe not.

I'm sorry, but that's the best I could do. :-)

Take care!

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Quite honestly, I do agree with cousin. I would continue to be her friend and allow her to come along to be more down the road a bit if she is ready. If she hasn't been in love and hurt by people toying with her emotions I would understand her going quite slow in the trust dept. Tell her you felt you wanted to be and felt you were ready to be more but your respect for her is deep enough that you want her to be happy and comfortable and in your life and if that means being 'just' freinds, so be it.

JaneE is correct as well. Be a kid, be her friend and confidant, her support...Maybe you'll be more, maybe not. Either way you will have a wonderful person in your life.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Judgement,

I agree with the assessment that you should be friends with this girl. Remember, she has suffered losses and has been treated very badly. My guess is that she is very cautious and more than a romance, needs a good friend. That friendship could blossom into a romance later on. Who Knows? I do not think she was rejecting you but protecting herself.


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Thanks for your responses everyone!

I've read through all your posts and come to the conclusion that I wholeheartedly agree with you all. I can see her situation a bit more clearly now, being aware of the kind of defense mechanisms she has put up throughout her life that I'm now bumping into. (Thanks for that Allan!) And I'm now much more confident in the path I'm going to take, I'll become her friend, and a valuable support for her, fully knowing the consequences that this might or might not blossom into a relationship in any given future. But as pointed out, I'll be with a wonderful person none the less, not only that, I also deem myself naive enough to want to pull through with this, even if it might take a lot of time. :)

I turned 18 the 2nd of May, even though I feel like my youth is escaping me, I am aware of the reality that I am still just a kid. Thank you too JaneE, DahliMOMMA, I'll take your advice to heart and keep moving forward at a steady pace.

May you have a good weekend!



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Hi, Judgement,

I'm sorry, it's too late to respond (I wasn't on this forum sooner this week) :(, because you've already recieved the answers, but... I'd just like to add my agreement with the others and with your decision.

I can also add my own exemple. My husband and me became best friends when we were 17! It was a wonderful friendship and none of us was in love (well, in the beginning, he was still a bit in love with another girl (she didn't want him) from our class, but... this was just ending). And we both felt in love in around 5 months! (And after 9 years, we got married) So... "everything is possible" :o And what's more; I also was "quite a strange girl" (as you probably know a bit from my posts here...) with some "intimacy issues" (I mentioned it in one of my posts here, but... I didn't describe it and I don't want to, but... you can believe me, it was (and still is, a bit) quite... unpleasant...).

Moreover, I was also hurt by a boy I loved when I was 12-13 (at primary school). He (also) was my classmate. He got to know I was in love with him (I didn't wanted him to know, I even denied it, but he didn't believe me...) and as I was the kind of girl that almost nobody liked, he got very fed up, he surely felt abased that "such a girl dared to love him"... and he began to humiliate me as he could: calling me names every time he saw me (we were classmates, so he saw me every day), forcing me to aviod him... So this experience "teached me" that "I can't dare to love somebody", ... Fortunately, it was possible to "unlearn" it ;)

Your girlfriend surely also has some very ugly experiences (even more than the mine), but you can't expect her to tell you such things now, in the beginning of your friendship. How could she tell you (as a reaction to your professions of love) "You know, I have such and such experiences, so I think it's not a good idea to have a closer relationship"? She can't say such "psychological explanations" to make you understand everything in a while to avoid your disappointment! You surely understand this. So... you also should understand her reaction was very natural and appropriate. When you'll get a little closer to each other, she might explain you more... You'll see.

I have a suggestion based on my experience: What about correspondence? Maybe you could write letters to each other (as my friend - now husband - and I did for several years) to get closer.

And let me pose you one question in the end: What precisely do you call "naive and idealistic"? Your expectation that she'll love you? Oh, what else could you expect and wish, being in love?! ;)

I wish you both good luck!!!


Edited by LaLa3
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Me being naive and idealistic is pretty much that, recklessly moving on with the hope that she'll return my feelings one day. But I am aware that we may end up as "just friends" and if so, then there's nothing I can do about it. But as previously mentioned, she has been through her own experiences and this might be one way for her to protect herself because of what those experiences have brought with her. But my choice is awfully clear now, if she's worth it, then I'll take up the role of a good friend and run this race to the end.

For a newsflash, I sent her a text where I told her how I didn't mean to scare her with my confession, and also said that I can see she needs a friend more than a romance and how I wished I could still be that friend for her. Her reply surprised me, she answered "Thank you for understanding.:-)" straight out. I don't know if it scored me any points in this matter, but I replied again telling her she's got all the time in the world. I guess if anything now, she'll contact me if she needs me, I don't know what else to do quite. =)

But thanks Lala, your comment is always appreciated. :o

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