Jump to content
Mental Support Community

I want it to stop


Endlessnight
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi Endlessnight ... I feel for you... hang in there. You are not pathetic and useless. I know your pain, please hang in there and ride it out as best you can...

Although you feel really bad, what can you do to help this feeling? Is there someone you can call ? Someone who can be with you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've got a large workload. Have you become overwhelmed? Sometimes we drain ourselves dry without even noticing it happening until one day we just crash. Happens to me. I never get what is going on, until someone points out to be that I've been burning the candle at both ends.

Is that part of it? (I'm guessing.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Going with Luna, assuming that this is a "crash situation", all that needs to be in order is relaxation and perhaps the best remedy of all, sleeping. When we tire ourselves, we also give our brain a lot to worry about underneath our conscience, seeing as our brain processes all that which is going through your head while you sleep. Is there any way you can take a break, or possibly arrange one? If it's only to kick back, relax and enjoy some quiet time, that might be a good thing too.

Either way, I'll also be peeking in on this thread to keep you company if you need to Endlessnight, you're not alone. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel so alone there is no one I can call on. That's why I'm writing here. I don't want to feel the way i'm feeling. Why can't I ever do anything right? When will I be able to have some self respect and not hate myself so much? I haven't been able to stop crying all day I feel so lost. I don't want to be alive, not like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not being able to sleep is also a problem which'll perpetuate your mind churning - leading to overwhelm which leads to the feeling that you're is useless, and then the self-hate and self-recrimination piles in. Does this ring true at all, M, or not?

To be pragmatic, maybe a short-term idea might be to get a few sleeping tablets just for 2-3 nights. Getting some sleep may enable you to appraise things better and try to identify triggers that you might need to do something about. Do you still have some Lexotan left. (I have a small supply of a benzo for this kind of occasion, so I can knock myself out and then take another look in the morning, with a rested mind, and better work out a longer-term plan.)

What do you think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are right to some extent Luna. I have been feeling overwhelmed and my mind has been going non stop about my jobs. It won't shut down. Sleeping pills aren't available here but i have been taking 1/2 of the Lexotanil at bedtime for a couple of weeks now just because I knew I would be feeling overstressed and upset with this second part time job. But it's not just the job that has me feeling overwhelmed like this. I do things, I behave in ways that makes me despise myself. I say I won't do them anymore but I seem to have no control over myself at all. Even when I know something is bad for me I do it. And then I feel worse. This sounds so childish but I wish so much I had never been born. I've had enough of living in endless night.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Many anti-histamines (Benadryl, in the States) can be sleep aids, and non-addictive. I once had a pharmacist recommend them as the only over-the-counter sleep aid they would use.

I know the second job is adding to your stress, M, but you said "Why can't I ever do anything right?" and my feeling is, getting that job is just one example of something that you have done right, recently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it's a very lonely feeling. Few understand, do they?

If you put yourself in the place of a friend who came over to help, what would you do? Can you step outside yourself for a moment and think what you would do for someone who felt as you do?

And... um... here's something that needs some reframing: "Why can't I ever do anything right?"

It's not true, M, I know this from what you've previously written. Talk back to those thoughts of how you never do anything right and you're pathetic. Heck, I don't think you're pathetic. No matter how it looks to you, it isn't true.

So now, what can you do for your friend? What does she seem to need right now? (Part of you, deep inside, knows. You just need to find it. The outside perspective helps me access it when I feel lost.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm thinking, too, that now isn't the time to tell yourself you will or won't do something. You need to cut yourself some slack to help with the work stress. Can you let go of needing to be or do these things for a while? Getting through the day is enough, while you're working two jobs. don't expect more of yourself. You can pick those things up later when you're not so exhausted.

??:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wasn't in any shape to go to work this morning so I didn't. But now I feel guilty. Guilty because I have to lie and say i'm sick, guilty because I know my boss needs me and I have work to do, guilty that I feel i'm letting her down as I know she trusts me. So again I feel dirty and ashamed of myself for my lies. I have given my resignation in to the place where I work full time but I have two more months to fulfill my contract and I don't know how I am going to be able to get through those two months working two jobs. I feel pathetic and useless because I guess I never realised it would be so hard and I wanted to be proud of myself for doing what i'm doing but i'm falling to pieces.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You should not feel any guilt at all Endless, it's not like we can all carry the world on our shoulders. You have your rights, and right now you need rest and some proper relaxation. This is something your boss should (in my point of view) understand and respect, but then again that's just me claiming equality.

Seeing as you've already handed in your resignation though, I only wish you further luck in getting back up. Be easy on yourself, and try to hand yourself as much time as you can! :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(Judgement: Endlessnight (or M as she sometimes signs herself :D) is transitioning from one job to another, but they currently overlap, as she needs to complete her first contract. So she is working two jobs at the moment.)

How did you sleep, M?

Let's make "cut some slack" a little more concrete. (I've been told that too and I'd think "that's great but what about all the things that have to be done?) It needs to be more specific.

Think about the things that need doing each day. What are the really vital things that have to be done? I'd imagine work is one. And you'd know others.

Then, if you really think about it, what is actually not that essential right now? We all do things every day that can wait another day without things falling apart. What can you let slip, shed, do less often or even just drop for the time being? It's temporary. You'll have to accept a temporary lower standard of whatever it is, but you'll get back there.

If you cook some of the meals (or all) for your family is there someone you can ask to do some for you while you're so pressured? Failing that, are there things you can make that take less time to make. Prune down your "To-Do" list to the essentials and take the short-cuts you can.

Now: what you have to do is get the essentials done today. Nothing else. And no guilt-tripping yourself about being useless or pathetic or anything else! :) You have to be gentle to yourself, as if you were a friend, you're not allowed to criticise, that's not nice. No-one can feel better if they're constantly being nagged.

It might also be worth making a phone call to your pdoc to tell him/her you're under more pressure than usual and you're doing much worse. Leave a message if you can't actually speak to the pdoc. Better yet, get an appointment. Maybe he can increase the Lexotanil for a short time or once every few days or substitute or whatever s/he thinks is best.

I don't know how this sounds to you, I hope I'm not coming across as prescriptive. You know what helps you. This is just how I've been taught to handle overwhelm in those stress-filled times that throw me into depression. You plod through - there is an end and you just have to make it there.

I'm really feeling for you. Having to cope with stuff when all you want to do is go to bed and never get up, is a mountain of a task. It's tough and what makes it tougher is that people don't understand just how tough it is for you, how much it takes out of you just to get through a day. I know what's it like, I've had the stuck-in-bed times when it would take me 45 mins to psych myself up just to go to the bathroom. Forget about getting dressed.

You may not be able to see it, but you have the resources inside you. But you will have to cut yourself some serious slack and not expect anything else of yourself, than to make it to bedtime. Every day you do this is a victory, no less. No criticising for the next two months! :) (Tall order, but vital.)

Thinking of you, let us know how it's going...?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Luna: thankyou, thankyou. Your understanding and words make me feel like i'm being hugged by a friend. They help so much. I slept okay last night. When my alarm went off at 5:30am shutting it off and deciding I just couldn't go to work made me feel such relief. I went back to sleep. My full time job (the one i'm quitting) is causing me such anxiety that even with taking the Lexotanil I haven't been able to sleep. On Wednesday, when they asked us to come in on our weekend for a few hours that was the last straw for me. I gave them my resignation (we don't get paid overtime here no matter how many extra hours we work). I lost most of my savings a few years back and since then it's been all I can think about. I'm scared that i'm leaving this job and going to take another one. All I can think about is what if i'm making the wrong decision? What will I do then? As for excluding things that aren't necessary - i'm barely functioning as it is. All I do is go to work and come home, then go to work again and come home again. I don't seem to have time for anything else, not to mention I dont have the energy. I guess I should go and see the pdoc but I was so discouraged by him last time I went that i'm hesitant to. I feel it might be a waste of money to go to him since he told me there aren't any other suggestions regarding medicine that he can give me. I might follow your advice and keep taking the Lexotanil along with the Endep at night. I hope it helps and that I start feeling better, or at least not quite so desperate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you about worrying over the decision. But it sounded to me like you were basing it on good information. Sometimes you just have to trust what you've decided. If things turn out wrong, you will cross that bridge when you get to it. Don't try cross it now 'cause that adds to your stress. The worry drains you more, see if you can't put off the worrying till later?

Have headache, need to go to bed, see you tomorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Luna I hope you are feeling better. Just wanted to let you know I took your advice and went to see the pdoc. He told me to take the Lexotanil, 1/4 in the morning with the Flozak, and 1/2 at night with the Endep for a period of three or four weeks, or until I I feel better. I'm hoping it will help me cope with the stress i'm feeling. I don't want to go back to feeling the way I was feeling when I first wrote on this thread. Though I would still rather sit curled up in a dark corner somewhere I know I can't do that. Wish me luck. Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi M. I'm SO glad. I'm sure it'll get you through this time. :) Keep your eye on the prize - think of something good you'll be able to do with the extra time you'll have. Even if it is doing nothing while staring in the general direction of the TV at first. :) Then there'll be time to regroup.

Big hug!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...