Not sure where I fit: anxious, depressed, angry....

[JessLL]

First off I'm 32, married, no kids. Mostly happy with marriage, my husband is very supportive with my health/mental issues, however, a lot of things have happened in the last 2 years. I keep letting them get to me. I keep avoiding dealing with these problems. I don't want to have those feelings again. But, I think it is all catching up to me. Ive been so emotional and want to cry for almost no reason.

I have not been to a psychiatrist, even though my General Practitioner keeps telling me to go. Part of me is afraid of what they will say is wrong or what they will do with me.

I have been on a few different meds through my regular doctor. About 4 years ago I was put on Lexapro and 0.5 mg Xanax, which was the first time I had ever tried any antidepressant/anti anxiety. It worked well at first, but they had to go up on my dose and then said they couldn't go any higher. Then tried Paxil, which made me physically ill. Then Zoloft which made me more anxious. I'm also Hypothyroid so they thought that was causing the anxiety/depression, but I'm allergic to all the synthetic thyroid meds and have to use a natural pig thyroid supplement. It doesn't work as well as the synthetic meds.

Anyway, my doctor thought I might also have Fibromyalgia, so they put me on Cymbalta and later Amitriptyline.

I eventually over 3 months weaned myself off both meds due to elevated liver values and I felt the anxiety getting worse, so figured the Cymbalta had stopped working. The Cymbalta was very hard to get off of.

To the point since this is getting long:

My mom died 2 years ago from basically not taking care of herself. She continued to smoke and eat badly even though she had several heart attacks and a mild stroke, also diagnosed with congestive heart failure. When we went to take care of everything, my older sister fell apart, and I had to be the strong one. My dad was not there because he and my mom divorced over 10 years ago, even though he was very upset about it and I know he still loved her. So, no emotional support for me, except from my poor husband.

Basically, I never got to grieve properly, and still haven't.

One year ago my sister moved in with me, because her life fell apart and I was trying to help her. This was a huge mistake. I should have known better. Lets move forward to about a month ago when I finally had enough and kicked her out.

She was serial dating online and going out with scumbag after scumbag. She was not paying rent and she was only doing the dishes once a week to make up for it. I let this go on too long, by the way she is 35.

One of the guys she dated gave her some "blank" CD's which she then gave to me. One night my husband was trying to make a music disc and he ended up using one of those "blank" discs. It wasn't blank, and neither was another one of those discs. 2 of the 4 discs given to me by my sister who got them from one of the many guys she dated had child pornography on them.

This was the last straw. Yes, we turned the discs and the guys name over to the cops.

But this event has completely traumatized me, on top of everything else. I was so sickened by the whole ordeal I couldn't eat anything for almost a week. The smell of food made my sick. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything.

The worst part is, my dad thought it was wrong of us to turn the discs in, I felt so alone and shattered by my own father not understanding how disturbing this was for me and my husband, and how wrong it was.

To make things even more confusing and messed up, my sister started dating this guy's friend a few months before this happened and my sister didn't want me to turn the discs in because her boyfriend was in a custody battle for his 2 daughters and didn't want it to mess things up for him.

I still can't believe how they could just forget about what happened to those children.

After all of this I had to go back on the Amitiptyline, but it isn't helping my depression.

Now it has been a month and she moved in with my dad. I haven't spoken to either of them. Except a few words here and there with her. But she is mad at me and thinks I was too hard on her, my dad thinks this too. But she was ruining my relationship with my husband. I couldn't stand to be in the next room from her. I was so stressed I didn't want to come home. And she was bring horrible things into my life, even if she didn't do it on purpose.

Now in the last month was my mom's 2nd death anniversary and then Mother's day just passed. I had no one to talk to except my husband, but I don't want to worry him. And I think he may not know what to do to make me feel better.

I'm so sorry there is so much here, but I feel like no one will really understand unless they know all the different aspects of what is happening. This is only a small portion of the whole story too.

I also work as a Veterinary Assistant, and have for 14 years, but we have been losing so many patients to sickness and old age. We have never had this many patients either die or have to be euthanized. I'm starting to have a really hard time dealing with it.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, I wanted to hurt myself and I never wanted to do that before.

I just feel so alone and afraid. I'm tired of being sad, or angry, or scared to go anywhere.

Sorry again for all the rambling, but I needed to get this out somehow.

Thank you.

[Luna-]

Hi JessLL and welcome to the forum.

This a great place to ramble to people who are listening sympathetically, so ramble away.

My sense is that you been through an awful lot in the past 2 years and it seems pretty natural that it would 'get to you' and have emotional consequences. When things pile on top of things they have a knock-on effect and it wears you down.

Don't be afraid of going to see a psychiatrist... There is a perception that somehow this is a step across some or other line but they help many people whose life events and stresses have just exceeded their ability to cope. They have greater expertise in this area than GPs and this can be extremely useful. They will listen, they may refer you for therapy and they may or may not prescribe medication. That's all. It is your choice whether or not to follow their advice - they can't "do anything" to you.

Have you ever spoken with a psychologist? Psychotherapy is also of immense value in helping to make sense of how you feel and how to deal with your thoughts and feelings, so you can move through this.

Good luck.

[silentmist]

You'll fit within your own skin, within which you'll find all three of those ingredients.

[Symora]

Hi Jess, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you're having a hard time ...

I agree with Luna, going to see a phychiatrist may be a good idea, especially if it is something your doctor is recommending. Of course you have to find someone you trust, but it sounds like you've been struggling for a while now, especially with medication, so a mental health specialist may be your best option.

It sounds to me like you need people to talk things out with, and we are pretty good here at providing support and encouragement, but talking to psychiatrist or therapist may also help in sorting out your feelings and clarifying your boundaries.

What I could really identify with in your post was the part where you help people out, give them everything you can, and they end up making you out to be the bad guy. You're not, stay clear about that. I think that's where the boundaries thing comes in - you have now set a clear boundary with your sister and she does not like it because she was getting away with a lot for a long time.... I don't understand that dynamic, never have, and I too have been the recipient of it many times .

Hope you stay with us, it really does help to able to talk things out with others on a regular basis, and to get feedback with regards to situations. Puts a little perspective into things...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Jess,

I agree with what Symora and Luna have said. Your medical doctor is not a psychiatrist and that means that he is no trained in using psychiatric meds. That is a science unto itself. You would suit yourself well by seeing a psychiatrist. I am not sure what you fear about it but they can really help.

However, medication is not enough. You have been through a lot and both anxiety and depression are the result of the many things that happen to people. You really need to be talking to a capable psychotherapis to help you sort out all that has happened, to help you learn to cope without medications and to help you control these feelings or emotions when they come up.

What do you think?

Allan:)

[JessLL]

I really appreciate what all of you have said. I'm feeling better today, but I know I should go ahead and make an appointment with a psychiatrist regardless. I know that my good mood won't last forever and I will fall into the darkness again.

I will keep you updated if anything happens, good or bad.

Thanks again.

Jess

[Symora]

I often postpone when I'm doing well, because it's not that bad after all. But I also pay the price because when I wait to long it's harder to get back to the normal side. Personally I need to discuss things, to understand them better in order work my way through them. I've found out that having a therapist or other mental health professional available to discuss thing with once in awhile is very helpful. Now I see a therapist once a month, regularly and it help me set realign. I used to have my grandma, but sadly I no longer do He used to be a pastor and perhaps that works for me too - that may be an option if you are in a spiritual community...

Anyway, putting that energy into your own needs is worth it, and sometimes it's just for a little while until you get back on your feet...

[katleen]

Hi JessLL,

Wow. Do I relate. Childhood sexual abuse issues are indeed traumatic to deal with. Am so glad you acted as you did. Children need protected.

Thank you

katleen

[JessLL]

It's so stupid...it's like high school all over again....Why am I even on there????

I think my sister is trying to hurt me by posting comments on there.

She is posting really sweet cutzie things to our father, who never even go's on facebook.

She also is referring to her ex-fiance's sister as her"beautiful lil sis".

And yes, this is upsetting me, because I am her little sister and she is completely ignoring my existence.

I don't know if maybe I should just delete her? I don't know if I should try to work things out or if it would be easier to just "pretend nothing happened". Or to cut her out of my life...and my dad??

Jess

[Symora]

Hummmm ... I think sometimes we are the hardest on our closest family. It's like we know they will love us anyway so they don't have to put in effort with us. I've always hated that, although I'm probably guilty of it too Perhaps she is just doing her own thing, in her own little world, and not thinking about you very much, do you think that may be possible?

[JessLL]

I guess it is possible...maybe I am reading too much into it. I guess if she is doing it on purpose, it is best for me not to get worked up. That would be what she would want. hmm...

[Symora]

Given you background together recently, that may the wisest thing to do. Perhaps you have been focusing on her alot in the last few years and it's a habit that you are finding hard to break....

[JessLL]

I never thought I would feel this way but I do. I want to move to another state or country and never speak to my family again.

Sometimes I really think they just don't care about me and it makes me not want to care about them.

So, I tried as I think I said previously to see how my sister was doing. (Also, our dad's birthday is coming up in the next week, so wanted to feel things out for that) I was trying to be the better person and work toward healing our relationship. She didn't want to reply. I became a little anxious and then hurt after her posting to other people how great she was doing.

Anyway, I needed to sort out something financially with her. She purchased a computer for me with her credit card, but I was making payments on it with my own bank information. So I asked her several times over the last year to find out how much I still owed on my part. A few months ago, I figured out on my own, because I was tired of waiting for her to do it, that I had paid my part in full and would only pay for two more months and wanted my information removed from her account.

I just today asked her to please go ahead and remove my information. So she half-halfheartedly replied to my first message. After saying she deleted my info but wasn't sure I was done paying it.

She said she hadn't gotten back with me because my dad has been fighting with her and his wife and otherwise she was "fantastic". Then said when she found out what dad wants to do she will get back with me.

Ok, not too bad I guess.

But then my dad calls me on his way home from work, which he is usually drinking while doing this and not in the best mood.

Says he hasn't heard from me since I kicked my sister out, complaining that I don't call him. Which is funny because he never calls me either.

He says my sister is driving him crazy and she is a pain in the #*! saying that one day she is fine the next she is freaking out. Which she did this while living with me and one of the reasons she is gone.

Then says she has yet another boyfriend who isn't even in the states right now, in the army. I told him I haven't heard from her, and tried to contact her and he laughed and said "you think she's gonna write you back after you kicked her out? Oh come on, right". Then says he's not getting in the middle of it and he guesses we aren't sisters anymore. Which this is news to me. I didn't make that decision.

I tried to tell him things would have been different if she had done more to make up for living with us for free. Then he said she has said bad things about my husband and I. Which I would really like to know what she has said, since we didn't do anything wrong! But he didn't offer any details and said he doesn't want to take sides.

And it seems like my dad has taken a side, even though he said he isn't.

He really thinks we have been too hard on her, and she thinks this too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!?!?!?!?!

I mean really, am I the only half-sane person in my family???

I'm so emotionally exhausted by both of them.

There are so many issues from childhood with both my dad and sister that I haven't dealt with, which are coming back in my head. I know my relationships with them are totally messed up because of those issues.

It really does feel a little better to rant away in here and get other people's opinions about these things.

I just want them to either leave me alone, or get their heads out of their *#@!s. and realize they did a lot of things wrong, and treated me badly.

I don't think they will ever do either thing though.

Anyway..let me know if you think I am wrong here..or any advice/opinion is welcome.

Thanks.

[Symora]

Here is my take on it. Everyone is upset at you and trying to make you fell guilty because you got out of the mess with your sister, and they still have to deal with each other. So it's easier to treat you as the scapegoat for their misery than take a look at their life. Let them duke it out for themselves and don't take it on. It sounds like a very good thing that you did for you and your husband to ask her to move out, and now your dad is stuck with her drama, so he is not very happy, and she had to live with him and his wife, and they'll get tired of her too. You are not responsible for any of that.

Don't feel guilty, that is where they are trying to get you. It's very effective to manipulate people, make you do what they want. I personally don't like it because it makes people feel yucky, but I know my grandmother used it regularly and it was really quite effective in making sure people continued to go see her and not forget her. My advice is let them do their thing and don't get sucked into it. So she is mad at you for asking her to move out, so what... You would have had to do that eventually anyway since she was making your home life miserable, and you now have peace and quiet at home.... I know it's not easy to have family mad at us, but it's always OK to set limits on how we let people treat us. It may even be an example for them about boundaries.

Anyway, long note to say it's OK to stay a little detached right now... sounds like there may be a little too much heat in the kitchen anyway;)

[JessLL]

Thank you for the quick reply and encouragement.

I will try not to let them get to me so much. It's hard not to though.

[Symora]

Sorry, accidentally modified your post for a minute there - not used to the new moderator options :-(

I know, it's harder with family than anybody else I think because so much of us is invested in those relationships. But sometimes it's worth standing up for something we believe in so that they know that they cannot treat us a certain way. It's a bit challenging at first, but with time it does earn respect in my experience.... The key is not to be agressive or defensive, just assertive and pleasant :-) I know, easier said than done...