Man and depression

[Joelli]

I have been dating a man for a year now. We met on a dating site. I slowly discovered that he never unsubscribed from this site and he is still meeting women. I am 46 years old, he is 50, he has 5 children and I fell in love with him and his children. He says he likes me very much, he also says that people are telling him "what are you waitting for to marry her". He is a depressed man, I know that but it is not obvious. He is very charming, manipulative in some ways, likes to show his knowledge, love to attract and be attractive, very smart...and you know what I just don't know what to do! I became depressed, he has a way of making me come back just by saying things. I know he is confused and sometimes he says to me "I just don't know what to do with you"! Well I just don't know what to do either. I am confused big time! Can someone help me here? I am originally from france, that explains my "english".

Thank you very much.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Joelli and welcome to our community,

Actually, you English is excellent and you have nothing to apologize about.

While I also want to read what others will say about this situation I know that I have a definite reaction and here it is:

1. Do not remain in this relationship because it ends up making you feel awful. He keeps dangling the "bait" in front of you but never gives you want you want and, presumably, that is marriage. Please remember that, after marriage, the relationship must continue. You need to ask yourself what you would be getting yourself into if he did decide to marry you? It does not seem as though he could make you very happy.

By the way, I doubt that his behavior has anything to do with his having a bipolar disorder. For some reason he cannot or will not make a commitment to you.

There are "other fish in the sea" or men in the world, those who could make you happy.

I would like to hear from others and can you tell us more about yourself?

Allan

[Joelli]

his name is also Alan! I want to thank you for your response. I work from home for a company we are developping and commercializing webserver applications (e-commerce solution, search engines, newsletters...) I like my job. Well anyway, here is a little more about myself. I am 46 years old, I have been married for 18 years, and in a relationship after for 6 years. I don't have any children (lost a baby). My ex husband and my ex companion and I stayed very good friends. I am basically a happy person, I eat, live and try to think in the healthiest way possible. I have stayed single for about 2 years after my relationship with my ex companion, I needed to stay alone...needed to have this time to think about all sorts of things and becoming a little stronger. It is the first time, I feel that close to someone, having been, right from the beginning adopted by his children and me feeling the same way, I have to say that it played a big role because it is not always that easy to feel comfortable and natural that quickly.

I do love him but you are right, this relationship doesn't make me happy. Of course I would love to have some sorts of a "stable" relationship because everything is there to make it happen, the only missing part here is him! Even his children would love us to stay together and he is the first one to tell me that. Sometimes I have the feeling he is satisfied with people telling him those kind of things. I don't know what and whom he is looking for, all I know is that I am having a difficult time to understand what is going on. I want to protect him in some ways, by making him smile I am being good to him. Physically sometimes he looks handsome to me and some other times I view him as being sick. I have been doing all kinds of things to make him a little happier and I just don't understand why he is still meeting some other women. I wish I could send you a picture of us, we are so cute together and he knows that. He once told me that he was taking some medication in order to make him feel better because he wanted to have a "normal" relationship with me. I am very flexible and understanding but now...well I am depressed. I just don't know what to believe in what he is saying to me. Few years back he has been in a very big depression, I heard that his second wife filed for divorced because she couldn't handle him being depressed all the time. I have mixed feelings, he makes me believe he wants to feel and be better and in another way he does things that makes me feel he is not really telling the truth here. I have questions like "can he be obsessed with wanting to be attractive"? I know that he is home every night but I think he has a need to be "wanted", wants people look up and at him and be admired. He doesn't have much money but has a wierd relationship with money issues. he talks about money very often and told me that he was feeling jaleous when he is around rich people (he works as a real estate broker).

He is the one who told me that he was dealing with bipolar disorder and depression and if today I am writting and searching for some help here on this site it is because I don't want to let go on something that could be great because I didn't do my researches, because I didn't understand him, because it was too complicated. I want to help him feeling better...if only I knew that he is telling me the truth...but his depression falses the reality here and he is kind of trapped into something he is having a difficult time to get out of.

He is addicted to a patern, he has been dating for over 6 years, he has his habits, his way of doing, it is like a security for him, something he can more or less "control", his cell phone rings each time someone calls him but also when he recieves emails from the dating site, his phone is his companion, I sometimes wonder if he goes to the restroom with it, it is so anoying but it makes him feel "good"! To know that some people want him! I think that is the thing here...don't you think we are talking about some sorts of bipolar disorder here? I wish I could know better.

Anyways, I want to thank you for reading, it is so nice to find a helping to understand hand as I know I shouldn't complain, and I am not I just want to express what I feel, try to understand and try to help...cause I am also a very caring person.

I'll be waiting for your answer/advices/questions.

Thank you very much.

Joelle.

[herzjm]

Hi,

I was reading through your discriptions of your relationship and the one thing that kept jumping out at me is this...why is this man leading you on and why are you letting him? You sound like a very caring person and I can understand how you want to help him, but this man is not showing you the same consideration. It sounds like he really knows how to work you. He problay tells you all the things you want to hear just about when you are about to say enough. This is pure manipulation and unfair in any type of relationship. It sounds like he really needs to get some help and unfortunately I don't think you can assist him in your present role. You want something from him too...so you are just another person he needs to impress or feel bad about not impressing. You would do better, in my opinion, to break off any romantic ties to him. I know it's easier said than done, but if you really love him then you will do what is best for him. Continuing to be a crutch for him to lean on is doing him no favors and enabling him to continue his negative patterns of behavior. It's just a circle you will continue to go around and around with. Your best option would be to stand up for yourself and let him know that you love him and his children and will be there for them as a family friend. You need to draw a line. Sometimes you have to step back in order to really be there for someone who can't always think rationally. Being without you might finally put things into perspective for him.

[Joelli]

I answered to your message but for some reason I don't see my "post" and I was wondering if you recieved my message. If not I'll send it out to you again. I want to thank you one more time for your very straightforward email, it is nice of you to have taken the time to answer.

Are you a man or a woman? Have you been yourself into a similar relationship? How did you manage to see that clear on what is going on? I am impressed ;-)

Joelle.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Joelli,

I read your response to my questions and I appreciate the struggle and the questions you are having.

On our site, here at Mental Help Net, there are articles on the topic of Bipolar Disorder. I want to urge you to read all of them. You need to gain a better understanding of his disorder so that you can guide yourself in this relationship. It is usually difficult for family and friends of those with bipolar to disorder to cope with the illness. In that, you are not alone. His disorder is not only about depression and changing moods but about his behavior and his thinking.

Yes, he needs to take medication and for the rest of his life. Do you know what medications he is taking? I would appreciate your finding out. Also, does he take the medication regularly? He should if he wants to control his symptoms. Is he in psychotherapy? He should be. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be helpful to him and to you.

Also, some joint sessions with a therapist who understands and treats bipolar disorder would be helpful for both of you.

It could be that he is non commital with you because he is worried about his bipolar disorder. I do not know but you can ask him.

Read all you can and, in the book stores and library, there are many books, for the public, on this disorder. The more you know, the more it will help you and even him.

Allan:)

[Joelli]

that is so reassuring to find a reponse, thank you again. I'll try to have the name of the medication he is taking. He is not in psychotherapy, he has been for a while seeing a doctor few years ago. I am going to read the articles you've mentioned. I have to tell you something, there are days I feel like "dropping" everything, days I feel I am being manipulated by him, lies and else...and I am not even sure that he knows that I am aware of that, days I feel like telling him the truth, what I really feel, what makes me upset and everything but I know that this is something I shouldn't do. I can feel his fragility, his despair and his struggle. I cannot event ask him to tell me if he is worried about his bipolar disorder cause I am not even sure he is going to tell me the truth. It is indeed very frustrating to have that kind of a relationship and I really don't know where it is heading but at least if I can understand better, perhaps I'll be able to learn how to talk to him in order to have an "no lie answer". Communication is so important and I want to thank you so much again.

Sincerely,

Joelle.

[herzjm]

Joelli,

Just wanted to say that I hope things are going better for you now that you've had the chance to read more about bipolar disorder and talk with others. Sometimes it just helps to know that there are other people going through the same things out there. I did not get your post before. I hope that some of my advice helped. I am a woman who has dated a couple men who have had severe depression issues, and currently I am struggling, with the rest of my family, on helping my younger brother come to terms with his bipolar disorder. It is very difficult to say the least.

Neither one of my relationships worked out because the depression was just too overwhelming for the man to deal with AND be able to give me what I needed in the relationship. And with my brother....all I can say is that he is family and you don't get to choose your family. I love him very much and will fight for him non-stop, but honestly, if he wasn't my family I don't think I would choose to fight this battle with him. He is often down right mean and definitely unpredictable. It is sometimes very scary and nothing to take lightly. There is no way to "fix" him. Just make sure you know what you are getting into. This is a life long struggle. If he is resistant to help...well...it's more than one person can take on alone. What kind of support do you have?

You must make sure you think of what's best for you. All to often, us givers tend to worry so much about helping others that we can lose ourselves in the process. Please take care of yourself, and if you find yourself wanting out then LISTEN to your heart. Don't ignore what you need to do for your own happiness. At times letting go takes more bravery than holding on out of fear, guilt, or just plain stubborness.

Take care and Good Luck. You have some tough decisions to make.