out of character

[livewell]

hi all,

it's been a while since i posted. i just wanted some help. i am concerned that i may be suffering from obsessive behavior--i just don't know! I do not think, so but i am not sure.

i am having a hard time getting over someone that I loved. He and I were seeing each other for over a year and a half. He is from a culture that has arranged marriages. His parents, he felt, would not accept me since I am not from that culture. Toward the end of our relationship, he was so torn. Eventually, he caved to the pressure and tactics. He recently got engaged. At the time that he told me that he was going to marry someone (2 months ago), I reacted strongly, but did congratulate him in the end. He was overwrought with emotion and insisted that I not write text messages or call him from the USA where I had returned to get my new visa. It all happened fast for me. It was shocking actually, though I should have expected it.

Anyway, I agreed not to text or call. Then one day I received a phone call from his country. Someone was on the line, but did not speak. I then text messaged him thinking it was him. It had been over six weeks since we spoke that last time. I received no reply which I half expected since he had told me that he had sent his last message. It could only be him or someone he had given the number to.

I found out he was engaged for certain a few days after that.

Now, recently, I had this feeling come over me to write to him. I had this feeling to tell him that there was a way through for him if he prayed about it, it would be made known to him and that he could also pray to find a way for this to happen without hurting anyone.

These messages were not romantic in content.

Then, hours later, I received some messages from his fiancee from his phone telling me that I was a stalker, that he had told me politely to back off, that he asked her not to intervene but now she could not take it anymore, that she knew about me, that he told her about me, that she had my text messages and call recordings ????) saved to her phone, etc. etc.

My reply was that "With all due respect, I was not writing to you. He is my friend."

More came. I again replied with "With all due respect, your thoughts are not where mine are and i have no such intentions [to screw up his life].

Anyway, it was extremely out of my character to contact someone after they have asked me not to. I am very upset because I do not come in between people. I do not believe in it. I have no idea what came over me to tell him all that, but I trust that I must have had a reason. I am just wracked with guilt now that I am somehow being obsessive without realizing it. I do think of him frequently. I do not think he wanted to marry this woman or even loves her, but that is all besides the point, it is not my place. I do wish him and them well. I am not saying it is easy, but I realize it has nothing to do with me.

I understand her. Cannot blame her, though I do not know where she gets the stalker idea since I have only twice contacted. Later a friend of mine did suggest that maybe she was even behind the silent call.

I am wracked with guilt and fear that it has harmed him /them (to be fair to me, the whole thing has certainly set me back). I fear that I projected my own beliefs onto him in that "I had to rescue him." etc etc etc

I would like your thoughts. Thank you.

Livewell

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi livewell,

It is always difficult to recover from a failed romantic relationship. In your case, it is more difficult because of the cultural factors you could not control.

You are correct, you are engaging in obsessional thinking about him. Part of that is necessary as a kind of grieving process necessary to getting over this thing.

However, as long as you keep contact of any type or for any reason, you will continue to feel pain and grief. You will be the one to suffer.

For your own mental and physical health, you need to move on. That means no contact and allowing yourself to grieve.

What do you think?

Allan:(

[livewell]

Allan,

I agree with you. I think the phrase that jumped out at me was "out of your control." I think that is what I am rebelling against. Everything happened so quickly. My spiritual beliefs would affirm that whatever is happening is for your best even if you do not know why. Lately, however, it has just seemed like a platitude to me.

At the same time that things went down hill with him, my best friend and my assistant (I gave a job to help her out when she lost her other job) left to get married, but everything went sour because of the pressure of her arranged marriage (she met the guy on Saturday and by Monday they agreed to marry).

So basically the two closest people in my life pretty much vanished. Communication with both was incomplete, stressed, emotional.

I managed to get through it, but then I was forced to leave the country to get my new visa. I was gone only a month or so when the guy told me over text message that he was going to marry someone. I guess he figured I would not be back.

Anyway, it's been tough. I only came back for the visa, but now i am in no shape to return. I am afraid I will just feel isolated and lonely. Here at least I have family.

Thank you for listening, livewell

[Symora]

That's a lot to live through Livewell, it's OK not to feel at your best I agree with Alan that you will continue to feel pain for as long as you still focus on his needs more than your own. What he did was heartless, and you deserve better than that. Now he has put you in a position of having to deal with the jealous fiancee, etc. etc. You have to force yourself to look away and towards you own future. What is best for you right now? What do you need to do to improve you situation? Do you need to make decisions about where you are going to live now? Try to start getting those things into motion.....

I know how difficult it is, I really do, and some days it's not doable because the hurt is too strong. My challenge is that I remain incredulous that someone would do that to another, someone they say they love. So I ruminate on it endlessly . Does no good, I can assure you... No contact, it's the only way to go....with time and distance you will start seeing things differently and start feeling stronger Focus on you now....

And by the way, you are not a stalker, she is trying to get you out of his life and that is the catty behaviour of a jealous woman. You don't need any of it....

[livewell]

Symora,

I really appreciate your post. The thing that jumped out for me was focus on me. I think that you are really right there. I feel that is the truth. Right now, I feel it is still all about him someway. That I have to keep quiet or I might ruin things for him. And then me having to deal with the fiancee.

And I have been blaming myself for not catching up quickly enough to the madness. One text he is saying we should meet. The next one: "I am going to marry someone. Do not text or call me. This is my last message."

And so much confusion between is he choosing this or being forced into it? What's the truth? Obviously he is choosing to go along with it, but how much of his heart is in it? It's like I am suffering along with him.

Like you said, ruminating is a complete waste of time. I am asking happier thoughts to come to me. I do deserve better, but I need to know and feel it. Right now, I don't know. I think the reason I feel like this is because I feel like I am stuck in it with him. It's strange.

livewell