Getting this off my chest too!

[Calla]

Thank you for your message. And yes I get the point I have been through nothing in comparison to most people. Consider me shamed.

[David O]

Thank you for your message. And yes I get the point I have been through nothing in comparison to most people. Consider me shamed.

Good morning Calla,

Please don't interpret my message as intnded to bring you shame, it should allow you to feel understood only-- that was my intent in telling it, so that you would know that this journey has been traversed by too many of us. Malign has definitely been there and knows what you talk about and feel in an intimate way. And like the rest of us, he's learned to start by dragging one foot in front of the other, at first crawling, then using a psychological wheelchair and soon a crutch, then he began to slowly walk... in the end, he managed to walk again. It was not an overnight success for him, and for me it's been well over 50 years of hypervigilance, not sleeping but 4-5 hours per night to this day, self medication at times (drugs and more drugs), countless nightmares. To this day I cradle that wound that gives me a limp of sorts.

This was his point-- that no matter the pain and complete exhaustion, sometimes one starts to live again by starting like a baby, crawling around until one can balance enough to get into a wheelchair, and so forth.

We all carry our pain differently and each of us has struggled-- no one's struggle is scored here to see who has the worst one.

Calla, whatever we do, avoid adding to our message in a way that brings you more anxiety and frustration, you have enough to deal with. Maybe just listening and talking is all that can be done today, and so this we're comfortable with and know to expect. When you're ready, you can take your first step--- but only when you're ready and no sooner. If it takes month, so be it, we're not going anywhere soon, we'll always be here.............. Malign and I will simply be getting more and more bald and grayer.:eek: Actually, my hair is peppered platinum, how dare anyone say gray.

David

[Symora]

I've appreciated reading this thread, and your sharing your frustration Calla has comforted me because it made me feel that I was not alone with this tiredness. I think I know what you are going through, and I recognize myself in you.

I think what we are trying to do here is help each other stay off the ground - a support group of sorts. I know that two days ago I was a crying puddle who did not have the energy to make myself a coffee. So I came here and people cheered me on and somehow I was able to go back to work yesterday and function. Sometimes the cheering on does not work for me, as a matter of fact it makes me feel worse because I still can't bring myself to be positive, but I know that people are trying to be helpful and I find that comforting anyway....

I do know what you mean about being a certain way because of what you have lived. I wonder about that too. What would I been this way if I had been treated well by others, if I had not suffered abuse, and to this day I continue to isolate so I don't have to feel peoples negative vibes... I also have days where this site triggers me because I compare myself to others who seem to be doing better than I am and I get down on myself for that... I try to tell myself that I am human and that overall I find more comfort here than I do in may other places in my life, so I dare to come back and try again.

This thread has been helpful, I'm glad I found it today...

[Luna-]

Hi Calla, can I add something?

... I thought people would understand that if sometimes you don't have the strength or energy to get out of bed or walk out the door, how are you meant to have the strength to change your whole life and beliefs?

How well I recognise this - how are you meant to have the strength, indeed? Every time I get depressed again and struggle to get dressed, I wonder this!

My therapist has called me on this a couple of times and I'm now getting the picture. He says I'm doing that "all-or-nothing" thinking again. And yes, the automatic thought I slip into is "I can't change my whole way of being, so it's not worth even starting." It's either "change all my beliefs" or do nothing.

And there's an error there. If you believe it must be all, then you'll give up before you even begun, because that is too overwhelming to contemplate. There are steps between 'all' and 'nothing'. They feel woefully inadequate when you look at how far you have to go, but broken into very small chunks, they're possible. You keep on and on reminding yourself that you only have to do one step today.

Remember the grey-scale (errrr, sorry David, 'platinum' scale!). I think this is what David and malign are saying.

Oh, and don't fall into the trap of looking at other people's suffering and feeling inadequate because theirs has been far worse (like I have too). It's really unhelpful and only knocks you right back down to the ground. Stick to your own journey, it's enough.

We aren't really able to see any progress in the day-to-day, but when you look back after some months you see that you have moved - two months ago, you'd never have been able to do x, y or z.

If anyone tries to tell you it's easy, 'just do steps 1, 2 and 3', they're seriously deluded.

How does this land with you?

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Calla. I missed this thread yesterday and have been catching up with it today.

There are many steps on the path to healing and we can only walk along the way at a pace we are comfortable with. I am wondering if you are at a place right now where you feel you need to be heard. Life is a struggle and having support can be helpful. I don't believe that anyone here intends to judge you or push you ahead more than you are ready to move. Hopefully our sharing in this with you can help you find your way a bit easier.

I do think that being treated poorly by others over a long period of time can sometimes attach to our sense of self and our way of being. In time, you will come to understand that these beliefs are untruths that, through healing, you will one day feel free enough to let go. Finding a way through the journey can only be yours, so take it in the way that you are comfortable with. We would just like to be here to support you along the way. I hope you allow us the privilege of getting to know you better.

We value your voice, Calla. We hear your words and feelings. I hope that today brings you a little less pain and a little more serenity. Little steps and little gains. Take care, Calla.

[Calla]

Sorry was feeling particularly over sensitive! I don't want people to not offer me advice because I seem ungrateful and bite back. I just know I should be doing something and can't at the moment. And I feel shame that I feel like this for stupid reasons. So everything I accuse others of saying about me is just what I am feeling about my self I guess. Like someone pointed out about projecting?

Sometimes I just feel I need a hug!!! I'm sure that wouldn't cure everything but it would be a start (

[malign]

{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Calla]

Awww, thank you. And sorry for reacting badly before

I think maybe I was also a bit annoyed when I realised David's earlier post didn't mean the answer was for me to eat as many cookies as I liked!

Curiously I do APPEAR to sleep quite well mostly. I get over 8 hrs most nights. Yet still feel tired. But clearly this is something most of us struggle with. One in foot in front of another is easier some days. I think maybe I have found comfort in my little black hole, if that makes sense.

If one of the self help books I've read it said that some people distance themselves from others as part of their depression and mistake this for a rejection by others, forgetting it was THEM who had actually rejected people. This made sense to me. With all this helping myself stuff though I have to remind myself about it daily, hourly even. It doesn't "stick".

[IrmaJean]

I think that is very true, Calla. It was true for me in that I felt no one liked me, but in reality they were probably afraid to approach me. I hadn't been presenting myself in a friendly way because I was fearful, anxious and cowering. A bunch of miscommunication going on... I imagine the same would hold true for depression. I also think that we tend to find comfort in the familiar, so what you wrote about being in the little black hole makes perfect sense. When you feel ready, challenging your comfort zone will help you find your way back out in the light. In the meantime, I'll offer you another *hug*. ((((Calla))))

[Luna-]

Can I get in on this hug-fest, too? {{{ Calla}}}

Comfort in the little black hole? Oh yes. Snug, safe, familiar and comforting. We all know it's not helpful, but heck - in those times when the fight has just gone out of us, we'll take our comfort where we can find it!

[Symora]

Me too (((((Calla))))) Sending some good vibes your way for the weekend ~~~~~~~~

[Calla]

Thank you all, feeling very comforted

Been listening to some songs which could have been written by me! Actually uplifting even though the lyrics are a bit dark. Some of the greatest songs, poetry and paintings were most likely done by people suffering somehow. Sad irony in a way. Something so beautiful out of something so dark.

Hope you're all having a good weekend.

[Symora]

Mine started off with me feeling nothing but internal pain the moment I opened my eyes today. Where the hell does it come from and why it is so damn persistent? I can't even associate it to anything in partitular.... well, that may not be true since it is the first anniversary of my grandma's passing today.....

[LaLa]

*hugs* for Calla and Symora!

[Calla]

Sorry to hear that Symora. It does sound like you have a reason to feel like that today. Anniversaries are powerful things especially for the grieving process.

It's strange isnt it though, how sometimes from the moment of waking it's going to be a certain way. No rhyme or reason always.

Hope you are ok. Did your day get any better?

And thank you LaLa. I'm liking this hugfest

[Symora]

It got better, thanks. My heart has been in my throat all day though, and tears have come randomly since I got up... A number of family members got together to attend a mass in her name, then we went to one cemetary to see my dad's grave, then the other to see my grandma's, then everyone came over to my place for supper. It was good to have others around, to laugh a little, remember them in the stories. I still can't believe they are gone, forever. I don't know who to turn to for comfort anymore, I still find that quite painful ....

[livewell]

Symora,

I like that you can grieve and talk about it openly. I think that it is extremely brave and, I think, has a powerful healing effect for others feeling similarly or, even not at all! I hope that it is also bringing that same thing to you.

I was thinking about what you wrote, and it struck me: anniversaries for good things! I don't know about you, but lately, I have been thinking about anniversaries for things which are for grieving. Yes, of course, we think of birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc. etc, but because of your post, I am not considering radical celebrations!

What if one created anniversaries for things that were important like a celebration for having work or, if you like, meeting a great friend, or making an important change? I am really thinking about this deeply.

I am thinking about Happy Grandparents Day!

New and creative ways to change your life for the Good!

[Calla]

It's nice that you could all get together and share some stories. Keeping people's memory alive is so important I think. I don't have a strong faith although I do believe in some sort of higher power. So I think people we love watch over us.

Life is so much harder without someone to turn to. I know how that feels. Hope today brings a better day.

[Symora]

It does help me in that in releases the internal pressure... sometimes I feel I'm going to sufficate if I don't let it out... I may sound like a broken record on the threads because of it, but I find it helpful for me I came to faith late, and sometimes I forget the power it has to sustain and give strength, yesterday reminded me to pay more attention to it....

I really like the idea of celebrating random things, important things like work, friends. I"m going to think about that too...