Jump to content
Mental Support Community

he did NOT just say that!!...?


DahliMOMMA
 Share

Recommended Posts

Oh, I know that this isn't a huge deal BUT it's my #1 pet peeve!

My husband, after I had been up (since 6 am) and taking care of kids and taking on some projects that needed doing walked in and seeing a bit of clutter in the kitchen (where I WASN'T all day because I was occupied elsewhere doing a big list of stuff that has been needing attention for awhile)...said "What have you guys been doing all day?" in that tone ~~like how have you been here all day and this is, ...like this??? Oh, no he di-eent!:eek:

I really really want to vent about this but I have 4 kids to finish feeding and get to bed and several projects to finish up etc... (and husband is out fishing with buddy unwinding after 'a rough day' at work)...I'm gonna be on my feet at least another 2-3 hours before I get to sit and relax much less go to bed.

I HATE WHEN HE SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT!! :mad: I work so hard, I struggle with fibromyalgia and the ups and downs of bipolar, so for him to come out with this when I have literally been on my feet doing on thing after another all day while looking after our kids, man....Not what I want to hear.

Isn't it okay for kitchen cupboards to be a little messy and a couple dishes in the sink, when yon compare it to the big list of what I accomplished.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((((((( DahliMomma))))))))) You do a lot, but unfortunately few people see it right? Story of every Mom..... I remember being home with the kids, babysitting other kids, and frankly I could not wait until my husband got home to get some relief and talk to an adult, but he would often come home with his own issues and needs, and I would feel all depleted and hurt.... I think many woman who work at home feel that way. To someone who works outside the home, I think it can appear that you <get to stay home> and do what you want. Of course it's not the reality... It sounds like you've hard a hard day, so I recommend a nice long bath once you get everyone off to bed... :) I find they relax me a lot, but that may be just me...

Edited by Symora
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi Dahlimomma,

Instead of venting to your husband why not wait until the kids are asleep and have a conversation with him in which you talk about his attitude, how it offended you and how it made you feel unappreciated?

There are better ways to handle situations than venting and confrontation.

Allan ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh yes he did just say that!! Love your title.

As a very, very, very well trained and highly domesticated man (thank God I married a strong willed woman with a powerful voice, and was raised in a matriarchal society), I can say that this is really a process of training from the start. Each of us trains our partners on how we wanted to be treated, and this happens over time and too often by pure default. The only way to undo this is thru conversation, as Allan suggests, and thru actions on your part.

My suggestion is first a conversation, and if that fails to change the behavior, come back and we can suggest very clear step-by-step instructions to retrain him:eek: and yourself--- and yes I just said that word- retrain, just like with a puppy, or lab mice, or chimps ;)... well, ya get the picture!

Cheers and good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Morning all! Thanks for the supportive thoughts and advise. I just needed to get a quick vent out into the cosmos yesterday as that 'little comment' really irritated me but I wasn't about to allow it to blow up into WWIII, nor ruin my night. (PS> David...glad you picked up on my sense of humor with that post too BTW!;))

DH and I have been married now really 15 years and this topic is something that we have worked through starting years ago in our marriage. I could rehash it all (which would be a long and BORING post) but I have a good understanding of his need for cleanliness and organization (how strongly environment affect his stress level and functioning) and also his personality type and history with family expectations in the home & in life. He has been willing to make adjustment to his expectations to allow for children being 'imperfect' and acknowledging my health conditions sometime don't allow me to live up to the standards that I, myself, want..but acknowledged that 'my best' is good enough (or tries to) :)

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on balancing seeing where the occasional ERRANT comment is coming from and focusing on talking about that instead of just MY reaction to receiving such a comment. I realize where his comment yesterday came from....stress from returning to stressful job after being off 2 week (with his bleeding ulcer and stomach problems) walking in expecting that dinner might be on the table (as they had been the last few nights and I had anticipated doing before things came up in the couple hours before he rolled in the door).

I can even let it go when he walks in the door and yes, it DOES look like a grenade of some type exploded everywhere. Even then, I realize that he might be trying to encourage the older kids to get up of their @$$e$ to help me, because I am struggling with health that day... And I am still working for him to avoid reverting to his fathers method walking around criticizing for all to hear and tirades about people being lazy, etc etc. in order to motivate... telling him it just has the opposite effect on both me and the kids and isn't healthy for him either. (work in progress)

But the whole "WHAT HAVE YOU (GUYS) BEEN DOING IN HERE ALL DAY???"...when you talked to me all day as I was doing this & that... walked in past 3 large baskets of clean folded laundry, past the love seat which I cleaned top to bottom (since someone had an 'accident' on so I deodorized to avoid a urine smell and cleaned the rest of upholstery while I was at it.), can smell the bleach in the house from me cleaning the bathroom, bleaching out towels damaged last month by a bleach spill, my sons lizard tank (RIP Max the leopard gecko)...and MORE!!! All while working AROUND my toddler and preschooler after getting 'big kids' off to school. Making breakfast, lunch, snack for all...hence a few dishes...getting out to 'play' and trying to keep everybody happy.

UUUGGG. That was just the WRONG THING to say yesterday ~~Are you kidding me, what did I do all day? Really??!:eek: A comment like that gives me the gut reaction of being an accusation of me being lazy and since that was the last thing I was yesterday that really made me frustrated. One of my major struggles is with focus and energy and not always being able to do any of the things I want to~~~much less the good sized list of things I accomplished yesterday. I would've preferred some acknowledgment of what I HAD gotten done, not what I hadn't. I take such pride in it when I can actually accomplish what I set out to do in a day (or most of it) that this was just a slap in the face! All though I do know DH didn't mean it that way, it just came out in that manner.

...At least I didn't confront about it, since I saw that it was coming from his stress not from me or what I did or didn't have done.... but still it royally pissed me off in that moment. I focused my frustration into projects I was finishing up (not toward him) and just encouraged him to get out and de-stress by taking a buddy upon offer to go out fishing and relax for a bit. I knew he had had a rough day. I also knew if we talked about it right then it would've been about how I don't understand how rough it is at work (true, I can empathize, but will not ever understand exactly what his day is like...and vice verse). I didn't want to do the whole "you're home all day, and I have stress from work and home" debate as that is a 'perspective' thing. I kind of take the 'agree to disagree, both our 'sides' are valid and true' viewpoint and feel it's not worth it to argue and compare notes on 'how rough we have it' but to do our best to support and understand each others individual experience.

But today's a new day, DH and I are in good moods and have moved on. :) PS> Thanks for allowing me to vent here. I needed a 'safe place' to vent about it and get it off my chest last night. Today all is gravy!

Edited by DahliMOMMA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...