Some of my thoughts

[D Dub]

Here I am again right back at the begining. right where I just started. Didn't take long to once again fuck up. That's the only thing in my life I'm getting good at lately. It's funny, almost like I'm ment for it no matter what happens. It's like no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can't stop it. Just be glad if you even seen it coming. I'm the guy who always loses in monopoly because I can never advance. consintly has to restart over and over again. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. Poor bastard can't even help himself. The more and more I think about what and how it went wrong, I can only see one conclusion. The obvious problem is me. I'm the problem. The past 5 or 6 years have just passed so quickly. I just can't believe how fast the years go. I take it all in and can see only bad decisions and laziness. I'm just so empty inside it drains me and I just don't have the energy to really try at life. To try and have the will is a whole other deal. But just to have the energy is really all I can ask for. The rest is on me. I take full and total blame for the path I have found myself on. The guilt is hard to deal with. The shame is even harder.

The amount of humiliation I have been through is completely unbarable. It makes it harder to get out of bed everyday. I'm back to the point where getting out of bed is an accomplishment. The only thing I do all day. One more fake reason to hold my head up. Pathetic if you ask me. If you care what my worthless opinion is. And if you don't, I don't blame you. Most people believe there is a purpose to life. I did at a early stage in my life. But now seeing life for what it is, I gave up on it. No energy left to invest in those hopes and desires. But at one point in time I had a purpose in life. A reason to get out of bed. A dream, a vision and goals. And I came close to just getting it going. Just getting ready to start and then BAM! Right back to the begining. It was a fun ride. Short but fun. Sure didn't seem like short at the time. Felt like forever. ten years I guess can in a way seem not that long. But in the end, just not long enough.

So now is probably one of the hardest parts. Moving on. Leaving the past right where it lays and pick up the future. Holding it up to display like a trophy. An award. And just like any award you have to earn it. Proving yourself to the world is one thing, proving it to yourself is another. But I know no matter how hard I try my mind will often drift back to the past. Fighting me like a boxer who knows his time is limited. Knows the knock out punch is closing down. I guess everyday I get out of bed it helps me fight back alittle. Every day the same thing, chin down hands up and move around. All day long taking jabs and trying to defend them and counter when I can. The whole point of a jab is to eventually wear your opponent down. Not a hard punch but just a little sting to keep them in check and keep the pressure on. The jab is effective, lately I've been getting worn down. Losing all hope. Must improve my defense. Toughen up a bit. What doesn't kill you only slows you down and wears you out. I guess for some people it makes them stronger. Wish I was like that. Wishes! Man do I have alot of wishes. Too many for one soul to bare. I invented wishful thinking. The king, the messiah, the very definition of it. The physical presence. I feel like one big wish. Well that's another thing I'm getting better at. For somebody to have the amount of wishes that I do to me my guess would be that person must be pretty miserable. Well I am. No denial or ignoring that. I think it shows for the most part. People can just look at me and tell by my sad eyes that I'm miserable. Hell even I can when I look in the mirror.

There's days I wake up and feel like somebody killed my whole family. Killed everybody I ever liked or loved. How do you hide something like that. Ecspeailly from yourself. Yeah I know I'm miserable but atleast I don't deny it. For my misery there's only one to blame. Me again. It's my fault for being miserable. My fault for not keeping jobs, for not keeping good trustworthy friends, for not saying hi to a pretty girl at the store and not having any confidence. My fault for walking around with my head hung so low you'd think I'd have a 50 ton object on my neck. As much as I would love to blame somebody else I know in my heart and soul it's my fault. And for that and many other reasons I hate myself. Not my life but myself. I used to think that was the same thing but I know now its not. I can't hate my life because there's people in my life I still love. And to say I hate my life means I hate the people in my life. That's just not true. My life is what I make it. Which would lead me back to hating myself. Now that brings me back to the question, why haven't I changed my life or better myself? I want to so bad I can't stand it. But honestly once again I don't have the energy. I'm just to worn out from the everyday jabs I take from myself and society. The emptyness inside is just wearing me out slowly but surely. The emptyness is there cause I'm obcessed with my flaws. I can't see the good positive things about myself. Only the bad , ugly side and every thing that isn't perfect. Or atleast to societies definition of perfect. Because no one is or can ever be perfect. But I see how I'm so extremely far from what society says is acceptable at best I just can't escape from it. It consumes me and I become the very definition what society says is wrong, incorrect or just plain ugly. And I torture myself with it over and over again. When will I just let it go and get over my flaws and imperfections. When will I let go of the past and move on. There's another wish for another day.

I know believe me I know there's people and families in every way in life have it worse then I do. I think of it everday to try and wake me up. To drag my head up a little bit. It only goes so far though. I remind myself to just be thankful for what I have in my life. And I am. I swear. But for me that line of thinking just isn't enough anymore. Lately I can't stop thinking about how I would of done things differently. What decisions and choices I would change. No wonder I keep starting over in life I can't escape thinking about starting over. I guess that's another thing in the past I have leave in order to move on. All that leads to wishful thinking. Because I honestly wish I could start from the very begining. Call a mulligan and start fresh in diapers.

I push my fingers into my eyes

it's the only way to slowly stop the ache

and it's made from all the things I have to take

jesus it never ends and pushed it's way inside

if the pain goes on i'm not gonna make it

- slipknot

[lifeless existence]

Forget it. It just falls on deaf ears anyway.

[IrmaJean]

I read your response, but didn't have time to respond. (Our phones died and the telephone man finally showed up.) You seem to have a pattern, though, of feeling you have no control over your life or are being victimized/attacked. The relationship between society and humans is reciprocal in many ways. Environment influences us but we also influence it with our behaviors. You're taking your own power away and minimizing your role in your life.

I come here as an accepting woman and yet I still have the sense that you don't count my voice. Doesn't my voice matter? Doesn't my existence mean there are surely many more like me? Try to focus on the positives in life...the potentials...the chances... When you say society has a set of rules for a man being accepted, this seems somewhat rigid in my view. My H was delivering pizzas when we started dating. I never approached him with a list in my mind. There is always room for growth in life. There are lots of women out there and there are opportunities for you if you give yourself the chance.

D Dub, I am going to reread your post and come back and respond.

[IrmaJean]

I'm just so empty inside it drains me and I just don't have the energy to really try at life. To try and have the will is a whole other deal. But just to have the energy is really all I can ask for. The rest is on me. I take full and total blame for the path I have found myself on. The guilt is hard to deal with. The shame is even harder.

The amount of humiliation I have been through is completely unbarable. It makes it harder to get out of bed everyday. I'm back to the point where getting out of bed is an accomplishment. The only thing I do all day. One more fake reason to hold my head up. Pathetic if you ask me. If you care what my worthless opinion is.

D Dub, your opinion and feelings are not worthless. Your feelings are valuable. It's good that you are expressing them. Depression takes up a lot of your energy...emotionally and physically. It also can distort your thoughts in a very negative way. The first step might be to stop being so hard on yourself, treat yourself with kindness and respect, don't attach negative labels or adjectives to your person. Blame perhaps isn't the central issue here, but it is true that you are responsible for what happens from here on out. I hope that you will offer yourself some kindness and try to move forward in life.

Proving yourself to the world is one thing, proving it to yourself is another.

Why not then try accepting yourself. Separate yourself from the negative self-judgments.

Man do I have alot of wishes.

Wishes are wonderful, D Dub. We all need goals in life. They help provide us with the motivation to attain what we want.

I can't hate my life because there's people in my life I still love.

And this is something to hold onto, D Dub. You have love to offer and people who care about you.

Lately I can't stop thinking about how I would of done things differently. What decisions and choices I would change. No wonder I keep starting over in life I can't escape thinking about starting over. I guess that's another thing in the past I have leave in order to move on. All that leads to wishful thinking. Because I honestly wish I could start from the very begining. Call a mulligan and start fresh in diapers.

How about you start right now, D Dub? Think of the life you wish for and take some proactive steps to make your dreams come true. It's your life. Maybe the time has come to fight for what you want.

[nearlydead]

Dub,

You write very well describing your depression. you certainly get the award for epic post of the year, and you didn't mention your size issue once. The stuff you write off, is how we all feel at one time or another.

The answer for all of us is to accept that we are losers on all counts that matter to us. We cannot be the people we want to be, or have the life we want to have, we must live a compromised life. For most, life is a shit sandwich, some like the taste, some dont.

All of us with small penis's have the same choice to make.

1. Live in misery

2. Live in denial

3. Kill ourselves

Denial and compromise are apparently the preferred options.

Are you doing anything to tackle your depression? drugs, therapy, self help etc.

[D Dub]

If sps is having a normal sized penis but one thinks it's small then I guess I should just post in the depressed or bi-polar forum cause I know my micro is small.

[lifeless existence]

D Dub, none of the regulars here have sps. All of us are below average in size. As far as I'm concerned, while there may have been a such thing as sps in the past, the term is no longer applicable since so many women these days consider even average size to be small. Basically, if you're not at least an inch above average in both length and girth, you have every reason to be worried.

[nearlydead]

If sps is having a normal sized penis but one thinks it's small then I guess I should just post in the depressed or bi-polar forum cause I know my micro is small.

No. Im afraid you belong in here with us, you wont escape that easily. No one who posts here has SPS. But we all suffer with depression focussed around our size.

Its probably fair to say that many women now have an unrealistic idea of size before they become sexually active. But since statiscally some 90% of men are supposed to be under 7.5" in lenght, then once the girls see a few cocks they will quickly realise that there perceptions of size are wrong. I gauarantee you nearly all women would be intimidated by a penis 7.5" long and over because of the pain caused to them when the cervix is hit.

Check out the forum on LPSG there are loads of guys complaining about thier big cocks causing ladies pain, not geting blow jobs or being able to have sex more than once at a time.

It seems that the average size penis is about the preferred real world size, or maybe just slightly larger.

However, believing that statement as fact does not help me when I look at my own cursed carcass. But as I am only 1/3rd smaller than average, perhaps I do have genuine SPS. The diagnosis doesn't matter, the results are the same. So the cure must be the same also. and round and round it goes

[lifeless existence]

Check out the forum on LPSG there are loads of guys complaining about thier big cocks causing ladies pain, not geting blow jobs or being able to have sex more than once at a time.

And not a single one of those ladies would trade one of those guys for one of us. An average guy, maybe.....but not us.

[IrmaJean]

SPS is very real and is similar to body dysmorphic disorder, as I understand it. Whether any of you actually have it or not, I don't know, but almost all of you has the associated negative feelings around it. I could send you a link. In the end, for any of us, it all comes down to how we feel about ourselves. Lifeless, if you met a woman who completely adored and accepted you just as you are, would you even allow it? Or would you assume that no one possibly could? Could you accept being accepted? Until you are willing to take a deep look at yourself in this nothing will ever change for you. I might very well be projecting with this, and I am willing to consider that, but it almost feels as if you have rejected my acceptance of you. You have instead focused on all and everything that causes you pain.

[lifeless existence]

Lifeless, if you met a woman who completely adored and accepted you just as you are, would you even allow it? Or would you assume that no one possibly could? Could you accept being accepted?

Of course I would allow it, though I will admit that there would be some skepticism and it would take time. I think that holds true for any of us here.

but it almost feels as if you have rejected my acceptance of you.

You know that your acceptance of me here is very, very different from the type of acceptance I would like to have in my life. I don't discount anything that you've said to me, but I have to take into account the fact that women as accepting as you are few and far between.

[IrmaJean]

Perhaps it is more that you won't allow yourself to be helped. You want to feel better about your life, right? Then try and work toward getting well. Allow positive thoughts to at least have a chance in your mind...even when it's difficult. Getting well means facing everything that is difficult.

What aspects of yourself do you like?

[nearlydead]

And not a single one of those ladies would trade one of those guys for one of us. An average guy, maybe.....but not us.

Probably not, but the women that are on that site are there looking for large men as that is thier preference. They are not representative of the majority of women as indicated by the results of the UCLA

I think all us small's are sceptical as a defualt status.

[lifeless existence]

You want to feel better about your life, right?

No, I want my life to actually be better. Will happy thoughts and positive affirmations fill a starving person's belly?

[nearlydead]

No, I want my life to actually be better. Will happy thoughts and positive affirmations fill a starving person's belly?

You express desire for change, now you have to mix that with a little "belief" that you can change your situation. If you want to eat, spit out the dummy!

[IrmaJean]

Affirmations can be a place to start. They may give the starving person's belly the energy and desire to find some food. Thoughts don't have to be glowing, and happy, Lifeless. What I have been talking about is opening your mind up to potentially seeing something other than total darkness...to allowing some light. Maybe just a little at first...but it's about giving hope a chance.