My nerves are shaking! please just a last reach out about this..

[sadgreeneyes]

I am shaking, First he wanted me to go on trip with him even I said I was sick. Told me how he could make food to me, massage me, read a book for me! I got shocked. No one goes to the hut when sick!

Then he called, and he was extremely manipulative. Not about the hut , he understood that. But I told him the truth, he´s not a friend as he has broke the boundaries twice. Coming to the point where he said many are friends with benefit, like I should say I was one of them!! I started saying have you got this idéa from my ex abuser, he got mad and said no. As he wanted a r/s with me. I have told you I don´t want any man from the start. Yes, he knew.

We started arguee and getting loud both of us, he then said strictly he would promise to keep his hands of me and not mention again with words he likes me and so on again, I had to promise not to ever mention my ex abuser again! Because I mentioned him all the time!!! Ok, I wont mention him. I asked him the same could he keep his promise. I asked you first, he said. And oh, what if you break the deal?! what then? I don´t break deals. Oh let´s see and how will it go then, he said.

I started feeling threatened and said is it a threat?..that I don´t want to listen to this anymore and that this is higly manipulative to thousands!! oh you are breaking the deal off!!

What is the problem I mention him, you are friends with him yourself, what do you have against him.

He wasn´t so much against him, but I should never mention him again when with him!

I am shaking, what makes him have the right to say what I can do or say? Because if I was a good friend it should go both ways as he should keep his promise.

I said this is ridiculous, it´s two different things. He said it´s not!!

He got mad in the end and hanged up the phone.

What was this? please, a last reaching out for help about this, my nerves are shaking

[danni]

greeneyes,

I think you are still being manipulated. You already know what his intentions are. You know you don't feel comfortable with him and even feel scared and threatened. Please stop taking his calls. Cut off contact. There is no good that can come out of this. This is not the kind of friendship you want. I worry for you. You need to take care of yourself and I really don't think you can do that with him in your life.

[malign]

This is a man whose calls you simply shouldn't accept.

GreenEyes, I spent several years trying to get my wife to accept that her ways were abusive, and mine weren't. Neither of us ever convinced the other. ;-)

We simply had to decide not to be together.

[sadgreeneyes]

Puh! thank you so much danni and malign for reply and opinion, I was really getting a nerve wrack, I am slowly starting to stop shaking, I was so dizzy after that conversation. I do mean friends doesn´t makes these kinds of deals and friends doesn´t threat with deals like these, in my opinion these are two different things.

I feel that his calls are rude. I said to him you are damn rude to state that some people are friends with benefit and may wonder was I. Saying so you have never had that. That´s not his business, how rude to ask! I told him why he mention that at all, what has that to do with the case. That is why I mentioned my ex abuser, because I thought he may had got the sick idéa from him. Then he started with this deal.

If he was a friend I would be allowed to mention who I want and I would let my friends mention who they want. I could understand it if this was a guy he wasn´t friend with and who had hurt him, but it´s not. So it is totally ridiculous.

You may start to wonder if he came up with this deal as to if I break my deal by a mistake in a sudden, as it is normal talk can get anywhere, so he can break his.

I really mean friends doesn´t make calls like these. Thanks for saying I shouldn´t accept it.

I mean I deserve respect and what I can see is that he doesn´t respect me. He even tried in the beginning to say hasn´t he proven to be a good friend, that is why I told him the truth about breaking the boundaries, so what should I do.

I mean it is unfair to make such a deal and even have a tone like it was a threat. It felt like that.

[sadgreeneyes]

And not only, what makes him think I want massage from him, have his hands on me, who does he think he is.

[DahliMOMMA]

Hi, greeneyes,

I have been thinking about you and how you've been doing.

(((HUGS))) Sorry that you are feeling stressed night now, it sounds as though cutting ties with this guy has been hard because he has fought so hard to stay in 'the friend zone' in order to have access to you. (And I am going to resist analyzing this guys intentions here, as they are truly irrelevant for purposes of this post.)

I think the time as come to quit bargaining, defining/redefining 'friendship'... So on and so forth. I have respect for the fact that you have tried so hard to establish and maintain boundaries with someone who was constantly challenging them. (True, not the route I would've suggested, but this is how we learn new skills, trial & error, experience...I know you are trying to learn new skills with men.)

I think it is time to cut ties...and be prepared to be as harsh and firm as you have to be. No contact, no exceptions, DONE.

To do this is 'doing' absolutely nothing 'to him' despite what he might say besides forcing him to move on to find another woman who will accept being 'freinds with benefits'. Every time you have tried to make adjustments to justify him having a place in your life, and he has shown you little but manipulation and attempted control. I suspect your desire is for him to respect you (and your boundaries)

...I offer you a thought, "The only way he may ever truly have respect for you as a woman is if you have the backbone to reject him fully and stick with it." He would not like you "cutting ties with finality" but he may respect you more FOR THAT than he does NOW as you allow him access your life.

While you need to know how to handle the negative type of male you have had in your past, maybe now as you are healing and trying to understand what has lead you to this pattern of behavior... now is time to understand yourself.... THEN learn how to recognize and interact with the new type of man... NOT necessary be trying out new ways of handling the 'old type' of man. This is stressful and confusing and gets in the way of you addressing your 2 main priorities...1) understanding self/past 2)recognize new type of good man/learn how to form relationship. The skills for effectively dealing with creepos will come along with this set of self knowledge and new relationship skills.

Best of luck, hon.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for reply DahliMOMMA,

how are you?

You are right I need to cut ties, I can´t always be the polite one when I see men like him try to manipulate me and think they can say or do what they want. I try to be as polite as I can, but when I see it doesn´t work to be polite then it´s time to speak up. I think this guy really annoyed me today, and I did recognize that this was not good.

My problem is that I doubt my own intellect and I don´t know why? I mean, I know it comes from FOO issues, but I find it strange how the confusion comes into the picture? I know so surely it must be and are not normal,that it is bad, but still there is a voice in me that asks is it bad or am I wrong and I run to the board to get confirmations. If I don´t get confirmations I will go and think about it all the time and in the end I end up feeling guilty instead. If I only could trust myself and my mind, my opinions, my feelings, my rights...now that I have started therapy I hope I will not be in need of confirmations all the time. It would be so good to could trust myself knowing I really am right.

You know, men like him will never get respect for me or anyone, one time abuser always abuser, abusers doesn´t change, ever. So even he would respect me more for cutting the ties, it can´t be called respect. When abusers get rejected they usually talk behind your back, saying untrue things about you to make you look bad.

Yes, I thought I would get some respect if I played the cards rights by being assertive and clear from the beginning, but that doesn´t work with abusers, they don´t hear a thing you say, only for the moment so they can get in.

I will try my best now to cut the ties, there are no reason to have contact with this man anymore, he is not a friend. He is just a rude, annoying abuser who thought I would be weak as I was with his friend, my ex abuser.

Well, they can go to Bloksberg both of them! Bloksberg is a better name we use here in my country for the bad name, you know..

Many hugs,

GreenEyes

[DahliMOMMA]

GreenEyes,

Not sure if i missed this before...where are you from?

[sadgreeneyes]

DahliMOMMA, I am from Scandinavia, is there any particular reason you wonder?

[DahliMOMMA]

Sorry if that came from out of blue...I have family ties from that region. My paternal grandmother immigrated from Norway at the age of 7. So just curiosity, and an affinity for the culture--- if that makes sense.

[sadgreeneyes]

Really, how cool...I am from Norway, where are you from if I can ask?

[DahliMOMMA]

I live in the US, in Minnesota (one of the 'cold states' LOL)...My grandmother & father (both now passed) shared a lot of my Norse heritage with me and my remaining aunts/uncles visit there periodically. Hope to pass the appreciation for Norse culture on to my kids.

Reminds me that I have been having a craving for Lefse probably as I am used to having it around Syttende Mai and Christmas etc. I should grab some at the store for myself (even if a week late or so...)

[sadgreeneyes]

Lol, DahliMOMMA, you made me smile about the Lefse:D Lefse is so typical of norway

I am sorry you have lost your grandmother and father (hugs)..I hope too you will get to pass the culture on to your kids.

I googled Minnesota and see it is close to the Canadian border, I believe it is cold yes...like here in Norway it´s very cold too. Does you summers gets warm? We have around 25-33 degrees in summer time. But it is much rain falling here...

My grandmother had a cousine who immigrated to Vancouver, New Jersey, she married a Canadian man...so I believe I have some distant relatives there

Lol... that was funny DahliMOMMA..craving for Lefse.. because we often make positive fun about Lefse here:D

[DahliMOMMA]

Generally speaking we hit 70-90 F during summer...& not as rainy:) I think most American non-Minnesotans have a lot of weather-related misconceptions as to how cold it is (or isn't). I am a 'terrible' Minnesotan as I would like snow, for the 2 weeks around Christmas/New year only. Rain, I love...snow not so much. Probably due to the fact that in my old age '35' I no longer am out in it to have fun, ie skiing etc...but driving in it in metro area to go about daily life.

Rural farming Minnesota where I grew up has a heavy Scandinavian-American population so more of these typical things (like Lefse, and lutefisk...which I HATE!!!) are available than in a lot of areas in US, I think. US Norwegians have a good sense of humor about this as well.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi DahliMOMMA,

you have the same warm weather as here then in summer.. I don´t like snow anymore either, only during christmas as it is very cozy..just like you think

It sounds cool, to have Scandinavian American population...oh yes I hate lutefisk too and many other fish food..lol:)

Fun to hear the humor exist in Minnesota too:D:)