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dignity and BPD?


Sherzade
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I am a borderline. The so known roller coaster of emotions stopped by and I am finally exhausted. Two days in bed feeling emotionally drained.

I have rejected the determinism of my condition and have been in therapy for 6 and a half years trying to change. This has proven to be really difficult and now I feel, as I felt other times, defeated.

I think of the losses I had in life (the ones not caused by me and the others I take account for), but as I am close to resignation I think of my dreams that I didn’t want to loose as well: the job, the romantic relationship, the children, the peace, the simplicity, like the dream I dreamt where I was playing with a dog on a beach and nothing seemed to be missing. All seemed to be complete and right.

I just thought “If I am a borderline I want to be a borderline with dignity”. I had expectations so did my friends. I had potential. I am failing and feel deeply ashamed. I feel intense (obviously!) negative feelings and I am profoundly (obviously) ashamed and disappointed. How am I going to dignify my persona is a mystery. Can borderline and dignity walk together? How dignifying can hatred, envy, rage, sadism be?

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I also have BPD among other "labels" it helps to forget the labels . work on self respect and having dignity that you deserve. It is so much easier to write to someone else about these things , but deep down , I struggle with many of the same things you written about . WIsh their were easy answers to this but so far I found out that heir are not. The best thing to do is to keep trying and to do the best you can.

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Mscat and Lindamomof7 thank you for your replies.

I agree that it helps if i don't give myself a label. I don't usually do it. However, i felt so disappointed with yet another cycle of fear and difficult negative feelings that i thought i shouldn't keep on hoping and dreaming for a better me, for a better future. “I am a borderline” meant that i am tired of trying to do the best i can, so i should stop. Stop, accept who i am, be it and still feel worthy of respect.

The difficulty lies in knowing that i am at times a sort of dehumanized being that looks to dehumanize others. They could be only feelings. Everyone feel all sort of feelings. I feel all sort of feelings for a longer period of time. Unfortunately more than enough time to destroy what i tried to build with so much effort.

Perhaps the dog can actually be a very good idea. I always had and identified with cats, but since therapy longed to be more like a dog: faithful and able to trust. :)

I don't think that it's always undignifying not to be able to function. We all feel very sympathetic towards people with physical problems that are completely dependent on others, but not so understanding towards people with a mental health problem. There is something about stigma, which has its own long history. It's difficult to understand what one can't see or what one doesn't know. It's too abstract, too challenging.

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