want it all to be over

[Endlessnight]

I don't know where else to put this. I need to say it to someone, anyone. I feel this huge scream of pain inside of me that won't come out. I want to cry and cry and not stop but the relief of tears won't come either. I want to give up. How many times have i said that? felt that way? and yet here I am still. I just want to have some feeling of peace inside me and not this constant state of frustration, anger, pain and whatever else that is inside of me. I dont want, I dont expect happiness. I only want peace. i long for oblivion because that seems to me the only way i will ever know it.

[musemuse]

Hi Endlessnight,

I certainly, at times, have those feeling too. When I do I notice what is going on around me, what thoughts are rushing though my mind, and then I just sit down and cry. Sometimes I cry none stop and even sometimes in conversations that don't seem to have any relevance, I start crying. something triggers it.

As you know depression is so horrible. It makes me not want to be here sometimes. I pray a lot, sometimes continuously, especially when I can't figure things out.

I say all this because only you really know what is going on in your mind. But peace does come, eventually, for a time. I go up and down in my moods. Sometimes, it is rapid in changing. I don't expect happiness either. But I continue to be here. Even look at the animals, whether it be birds, squirls or the lions on tv. They have to scramble to survive, in order to pass thereselves on. And that is what we have to do. Where you pass yourself on is not necessarily in the form of children either. A friend is given your goodness or even a stranger that longs for something unknown. You pass a part of yourself on. And in all the scrambling and chaos to live, there are always moments of peace. So your peace will come when the mental warfare is over or the fires of depression are squenced for a bit. They do squence. It will be over for awhile.

[Symora]

Hi Endless, sorry to hear your feeling blue. You must be tired from the two jobs and that's not helping with your depression I'm sure.... I came across something on another thread that I found very enlightening and I'm passing it on here and there because I think it's that useful... It's a bit long but well worth the listen in my opinion... You may find it helpful to understand why you are feeling like this over and over again.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...65246830785946

Hope you feel better soon...