emotional avalability

[nightfalls]

A big problem I'm having in my relationship is me not being emotionally available to my husband, well that is how he puts it anyway. He expained to me that I am not involved in his life/issues/emotions/problems, he feels that I am not available to him. I try so hard to be? I don't see it all like this:( mabe I am, mabe I am not involved. I really don't know how else to try to be, I do feel detached from my life at times, sort of numb to all the stress, I get overwhelmed easy. I don't know why I am like this, I guess it is the anxiety/mood things. I am working on it but it just does not seem fast enough for him. Last year the relationship crossed a emotional abusive line I'd say and I thought to leave but have not, I chose to stay, the situation is better mostly but mabe this is where I have got stuck. I can't seem to forget it all, and go forward a new. He also says my mood shifts at night and some days he says it is obvious and he see's me not able to hand things, get all hyper and energized in conversations and emotional till I break down. Any ideas to what he might be talking about, why don't I see this?

[Mark]

I don't know your unique situation, but I can say that when you are depressed, a feature of that is to become self-focused (on your failings, on the things that feel threatening, etc.) and when you are that way, it is easy to be not very attentive or available to the other people around you. When you have vegetative symptoms (physical depressive symptoms beyond just feeling worthless), it is that much harder to unstick yourself beyond just the normal depressive self-focus because you tend to lack the energy and calmness necessary to focus on someone else. all of this is to say that some of this your SO is describing may be simply symptoms of your depressive condition, which are hard for you to notice because you are self-focused enough so as to have a hard time imagining how you are coming across (or likely to immediately jump into self-loathing should you perceive yourself as a failure).

I don't have any easy answers for how to turn this sort of thing around beyond the normal suggestions for how to deal with depression. Wish I did.

Sometimes it is helpful to visualize putting your problems down for a while, secure in the knowledge that they will be there when you get back to them, and then that helps you to have some space to be present and focusing on what your SO is experiencing. Sometimes there is anxiety that if you stop focusing on what is bothering you that it will get worse or something. Not usually true.

[nightfalls]

thank you,

I think that I might have lingering depression issues. hard for me to tell, some days I think I'm ok others not really. It really is back and forth. but there is always a bit in me that feels withdrawn/alone. I think mabe I could explain the symptoms bit to him and mabe point out which one's are troubling me still vs. my past (which was really much worse) and mabe he could see then that things are getting better, slowly but better.

I don't like the pressure to just "be better now" it is sort of imposible standard, not alot of room there for me to work on. I just smile and say " ok all perfect now" "happy"

wow that is a bit off reality.

at least I have a bit of a sense of humor:D

[paula]

Hi Mark & Forgeting,

In my opinion, I would say that he should learn to control his behavior as well. It sound like it's all one sided here. Him going on about your depressive days, Attitude problems etc. Why doesn't he understand that we can't all be perfect!

Us women have a lot more to contend with than men. Cooking, washing, ironing, you name it, and we do it. That's in between taking the brush from up our arse! Sorry! but that's just how I feel.

Us women can't afford to be ill like you men. We can't just get up and off we go to work and expect our dinner on the table at a certain time for when we come home. Life isn't that simple but you men wouldn't know that would you?

No! I'm not getting at you Mark, but your a man.

I suffer deeply from Manic Depression and when I'm in one of my down episodes that can last for god knows how long? I don't get any sympathy from family/friends. All's I get is left alone till my episode starts to lift. Which makes me worst because the state I'm in, only makes me think that nobody cares about the way I feel which puts me further down!

It takes two to make a relationship and two to understand one. He should be offering you help, not criticizing you. At the end of the day, were all human beings and the sooner he learns that the better!

If life was only that simple? Men, who'd have em! About 95% of the population, but let's be honest. There only good for one thing and half of the time there not even good at that!

Paula:mad:

[Merits]

I feel the same way too sometimes, just emotionally unavailable, especially if someone is trying to tell me something and Im in the middle of trying to do something else entirely. I think its because I focus on getting something done or getting to another place.

There are times too when I try not to get too involved in other people's lives, issues, emotions and problems. This is because I dont know what to say and usually end up saying something inappropriate or odd because I want the conversation over and onto something that I feel more comfortable discussing, something light. Most times Im looking to fix whatever the situation is, and many people dont want the situation fixed, they just want to discuss or complain about it.

I get overwhelmed easily as well. Especially when I am learning something new, doing something that I havent done before or meeting people for the first time. I feel that knot in my stomach, such is anxiety.

[paula]

Hi Merits

I know what you mean when you mention that, you get overwhelmed easy? Same here! There's nothing more frightening when you know you've got to go some where and you haven't a clue on how to get there? You see, there's still some of us, that's not fortunate enough, to have a Tom Tom, or Auto-route fitted to our car.

I get more frustrated thinking, should I have gone that way or does it mean go here?

I suffer badly with Anxiety anyway, and am on Medication for it. But it doesn't change the fact that you've still got to deal with these situation's anyway!

I can't complain really. Because of the symptoms that I suffer with Anxiety, I'm usually accompanied to these places by either my son or a friend.

Regarding, learning something new. I also suffer. I am Dyslexic so I have to get my Mind's eye on anything that I want to learn. It's no to bad now because I get help when I attend my courses. Before I was assessed, I found it very difficult! I just couldn't concentrate! I found the more I tried to concentrate, the more confused that I was getting! Upon trying to read, I can read but find that after so long, the words on the page start to look as if they are in 3D and all start to jump in to one another.

Well enough of that!

Take care!

Paula.