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Transference questions


appleby

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I wrote that an hour ago -- THings were better yesterday and I'm sure they won't be as bad as they were those first 36 hours. But a wave of grief hits again and I am crying -- Just want to say:

Bad terminations suck.

I really feel the loss of not being able review those 4 years I spent with my therapist with her.

I guess I was idealistic -- I never dreamed that the therapy would end the way it did. I always thought we would be able to reflect on our work together, my growth before ending...

AB

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Awe Appleby, Don't cry! You'll set me off!

I don't know the full story behind all this, and tell me to mind my own buisness if you want, but why are you finding a new Therapist in the first place when you was so happy with the one you had? Or that is how it seemed at the begining?

Whatever has gone on between you, is there no chance that you could sort your differences out? Correct me if I'm wrong, but has the relationship gone further than a Therapist, Client, relationship?

It's just that I can't understand why you say that you have had therapy with her for the past four years, or two years with this one, and yet you go and look for a other therapist and cut yourself up about it. And as far as I can make out, the Therapist feels the same way. I can't see the logic in it.

Obviously, this is a personal matter, but it just puzzles me that your hurting so badly (you & the therapist) because you've broken this friendship.

All I can say is that were all here for you if and when you need us?

Some people come into our lives and quickly go..... Other's stay for a while leaving footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.....

Take care!

Paula

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Hey Paula --

We left our therapist who we've been working with for four years. we decided to terminate therapy with her because there were too many instances where her counter-transferences got in the way- where we would remind her of negative people in her life and she act some way towards us or think of us like we were that way and tell us our motivations for things were different than what they were. This would set us off and we would try and try to tell her she was wrong, we were a different way, we'd ask ourselves if we were the way she said and always come up with the same answer, ut ut hurt us to have her projecting on us like that. So for that reason we decided to terminate. Despite that stuff we did a whole lot of good work with her.

But once we said we wanted to terminate -- All hell broke loose and she really lost the capacity to be a good therapist -- we had several very painful and hurtful sessions after that one and then we just had to end it to not get hurt further by her.

We had thought we could say we wanted to terminate and that together we would plan the termination with time to complete some things and to review our work together etc. This ended up not being possible.

That's what is so sad for us now. We weren't able to end properly at all.

We now have no therapist -- though our back up therapist has been helpful and we did meet with a potential therapist this week and will check into another referral.

So no, it's over and very very sadly not salvageable even to create a better ending -- she is not capable of being a good therapist with me. I'm very shocked it ended this way and I'm mourning the loss of the relationship -- we were very attached. And I'm mourning my fantasy that when we would end, we would do it well and consciously and there would be time to review and begin the inevitable grieving process. It seems she was not capable to do this at all. We're very sad.

AB

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Appleby,

How terrible to feel misunderstood by your therapist even after you have tried to explain yourself over and over. One of the things that makes therapy work is the belief that you feel understood by the therapist, "most of the time." I say "most of the time" because understanding is not possible all of the time. However, when there is misunderstanding it is up to the therapist to work harder and understanding and not proving him/herself right.

Allan

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Hi Appleby

How awfull! Now I can relate to what you are saying. Have you not put in a complaint! I would. She's destroyed four years of your lives. Within them four years you was hoping for some answers? Some conclusion to why you are feeling the way you are?

You didn't attend her sessions to be judged! Thats exactly what she's done! She's judged you! Infact, she's compared you! She's compared you to her dropout's! In reality, she's judged a book by its cover! She should know better! Having the occupation that she has.

You did right in doing what you did and you should not mourn over it! Think of it this way. It's her loss! She's turned what could of been a good buisness relationship, into a bad reputation!

So what little progress has been achieved over the four years, has just gone out of the window with her unprofessional attitude! She won't be bothered that she has lost some good clients. No! She won't care! At the end of the day it's no loss to her. She's still getting a wage no matter what! But it's you that's affected by all this! It's you who is sorry that it ended the way it did! You've probably got out just intime.

Remember this! A Leopard will never change it's spot's! If she's acted like this now, then she will act like this again! Comparison is no means to a good practice! You know what they say don't you? What goes around, comes around! It's a true saying. Mark my words!

I'm so sorry for you, but maybe she did you a favour!

If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me!

Paula x

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Hi Allan --

Thanks for your response and validation -- It has been awful to keep trying to get her to understand and I just really couldn't. I tried and at some point it was not at all healthy for me to keep trying... I am left(at times) with irrationally feeling that I failed in not being able to get to understand me, but truly it was her limitation. And now that I have left her it is clearer to me that she just really did not have the qualifications or proper training to work with me in this sort of intense therapy.

Hi Kay -- thanks for writing me -- No you can't "fix it for me to make "feel better" but you wrote me and let me know you read what I wrote and that helps. I appreciate that. I don't know what you were thinking of saying to me that you felt was intrusive, but I am curious if you want say...

I did meet with the possible new therapist again this week and I think we may be going to work with her, I have another appointment next week. I met with someone else today who I think is excellent but she is way over-priced for my budget and scheduling was going to be difficult, so I have pretty much taken her off my list. It was good to talk with her though -- got more validation about the therapy relationship being unhealthy for me.

Hi Paula -

Thanks for your understanding and support.

AB

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appleby,

It sounds like you are making the best of a painful situation. I am so attached to my therapist right now and I cannot imagine how torturous it would be for me if I felt she had turned against me and then we were unable to work through the issues. My therapist is such an important object in my emotional life right now and it would maim or kill a vital part of me if we had to end in such a horrible way.

I hope you quickly are able to find the "right one" and I hope you are able to work through this tragic loss of one of the most important relationships in your life. Perhaps that alone is reason enough to find a new therapist--at least so you can go through the closure process you've been denied with your previous therapist.

If you decide not to immediately pursue a therapy relationship, do you have other support systems in place with whom you can be open when things are rough? The grieving process can be so exhausting and we humans tend to lose focus and become irrational when we get exhausted. It sounds like you needed your therapist to be a vital part of your support system and that was a role she was unable to fulfill.

It is clear through reading your story that you've already faced many obstacles and your growth is evident in your wise words. There is fog on the road ahead, but we can keep walking as long as there is ground under our feet.

Peace,

Sean

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Kay and Paula --

Thanks for writing and checking in with me. I am doing much better. I met with that therapist 2 more times and I had an appointment with another therapist. Both were good and I have decided to work the first one. I am pleased that she is trained in working with DID and that she is experienced and well seasoned. I was away on vacation last week and did some more internal work in regards to the situation. I now feel more ready to get back to doing my work with the new therapist instead of grieving and replaying what happened etc. I have work I still need to do. I feel like I can do it now. I know that there will stil be times when I feel the hurt or miss my old therapist, but I think i have made the shift to be able to my work again.

AB

PS Kay I don't remember what you wrote - I guess it got deleted when you wrote today, but I do remember that it was fine with me that you wrote it.

And Sean -- thanks so much for writing me and for your support. I appreciated your thoughtful post.

and PPS -- In a couple of posts, it is suggested that I am male -- actually I am female.

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